A Deviant's Deviation

Advertising Yourself

2010-12-04T14:16:00.001-08:00

I got a brochure in the mail from a group that's organizing a knitting-related weekend. They sent me the wrong one, but since I couldn't have attended the one on my side of the country anyway, I read through the class descriptions just to see what sort of things are going on in the wider knitting world these days (which is what I would have done if they had sent me the right brochure, those classes ain't cheap!). Then I read the short biographies submitted by each of the teachers, and something struck me. Compare these two biographies:

The author of [book title], [PersonA] is a CYCA certified teacher and is accredited by the Professional Knitwear Designers Guild. She gave up her executive career to create [company name].

and

[PersonB], a former management consultant, now devotes herself to fiber arts, especially knitting. She has traveled throughout the world, speaks Japanese, and has knitted Japanese designs for years. Her designs have been featured in [book title] and other publications.

PersonA using the wording "she gave up her executive career" makes it sound like she made a sacrifice in order to be a part of the fiber arts community full-time, and even implies a tone of regret. PersonB, however, gives recognition to the non-fiber arts career that provided her some of the skills she probably utilizes in her classroom, but without that sense of having denied herself something.

These are very tiny things in the overall scheme, but they make a subconscious impression on the reader. So if you're ever advertising yourself in a similar way, turn the phrase differently. Even "she left the executive world to create..." or "after working as an executive for many years, she created..." would remove that tiny martyred tone that clings to the phrase "gave up".

AAARRRGGGHHH! Bad Yarn!

2010-11-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

I got a skein of Zauberball ages ago (Ravelry link), because so many people talk about it and because the colour changes are so lovely. I've been feeling pretty down and stressed out recently, so I decided I needed a bright, cheerful project to work on that would be a bit of a pick-me-up, and I dug out the zauberball and cast on for a thin basic scarf.

I am never giving this yarn company my money again.

Such an uneven spinning job, in some places it's so thin it's in danger of snapping as I work with it. In other places it's up to four times the thickness of the standard. It's splitty, so I have to really keep a close eye on what I'm doing, can't look up at the tv very often. It instantly felts to itself, the halo binds it together quickly and fiercely, so that I constantly have to spend up to 15 minutes at a time carefully pulling apart the yarn that was inside the center pull and has become one with itself. All that was basically ok, I could handle it and would have just quietly not bought more, until I hit my first knot.

Fuck you, Schoppel-Wolle. You can make a skein of 459 yards without knots, dozens of sock yarn companies and independents do it every day. And you don't need to knot that spot 6 times (seriously, it wasn't a knot, or a doubleknot, it was knotted 6 times in one place, so that the knot stood up a half centimeter--yes, I measured). If this were a one-off mistake, I'd have been pissed but thought "whatever". But then I did what I should have done in the first place, and read the Ravelry comments on the yarn page. Apparently, for years now people have been complaining about all these things, but especially about the yarn suddenly having knots, many of which are completely out of colour sequence. People generally buy this yarn specifically for the gradual colour changes. Knotting in a section incorrectly is completely unacceptable.

So, yeah. Fuck you. This scarf will be pretty when I'm done with it, because I will make it work out properly. But I'm never buying your yarn again, and if anybody asks, I'll tell them exactly why.

Loss

2010-10-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

I've shamelessly stolen all the photos in this post from FB, I hope my friend doesn't mind my having done so. If she does, obviously I will yank them right down again.

I have a friend who is a beautiful soul. She happens to also be just absolutely lovely on the outside, but one of the most amazing things about her is the light that shines right out of her at every moment. No matter what's going on, there is always this brightness that radiates out from her.

My friend Patience Ann.

Now, sometimes when you see someone who has found their perfect love match, their soulmate, their other half, it's a little disgusting. Because maybe you're a little jealous, or because it seems unbelievable that anybody could truly have something so wonderful and not be a fictional movie character. But Patience Ann found it and it wasn't disgusting at all. It was awe-inspiring. She found Owen, and they fell in love, and they married, and they began living a life that was centered on the love they shared.

Patience Ann is nurturing and gentle and kind and quirky. Owen, being a very smart man (as well as being thoughtful, big-hearted, and devoted), allowed Patience Ann to be everything she is. He supported her in every way. Challenges and painful events that they suffered were borne together, gotten through as a team, and met with dignity and as much of a smile as could be mustered up.

Owen died Wednesday, very suddenly, at the age of 37. I believe that his love for Patience Ann remains. I believe that she is wrapped in all the beauty and warmth of the love they have shared for these years together, and I know that she is wrapped in the love of all of her friends and family.

There are no words I can type or say that will reduce or remove her pain, her fear, the fuzzy darkness. There is no way I can turn back the clock, undo what has happened, make it all ok again.

But oh, if only I could.

Because beautiful, loving, gentle, bright Patience Ann deserved to have a full lifetime with her Owen.

And I can't say what I wouldn't give to bring him back to her.

To help get Patience Ann's family to her overseas, and to help her with all the sudden expenses, please donate here. Any amount helps.

Bullying's Victims

2010-10-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Asher Brown
Tyler Clementi
Billy Lucas
Justin Aaberg
Seth Walsh
Raymond Chase
Phoebe Prince
Dawn-Marie Wesley
Megan Meier
Ryan Halligan
Jim Wheeler
Jared High
Matt Epling (pdf)
April Himes
Jeffrey Johnston
Sian Yates
Jessica Haffer
Ben Vodden
Eric Mohat
Michael Joseph Berry
Julian Houts
Austin Murphy
Tempest Smith
Chrystal Eaton
Alex Harrison
Cassie Gielecki
Brandon Swartwood
Kristina Calco
Desire' Dreyer
Maria Herrera
Corinne Wilson
Thomas Trosvik

All lost to suicide after being bullied.

I had originally planned to tell the story of the bullying that I experienced, but I'll post that separately. This list of names should stand alone.

Not Accepting Less

2010-10-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

A discussion started recently that I put on ignore before finishing the first post, because I knew it was going to turn nasty. At a very basic level, the subject was homophobia, and the discussion apparently quickly turned into a disagreement about how best to combat homophobia and how to ensure GLBT civil rights.

One member of the discussion said repeatedly in several different ways that she was not going to try for perfection, that she was not going to work toward changing people's minds on homosexuality being a sin, that to do so is pointless and beating one's head against a wall, because it's never going to happen.

Here's my opinion: that's dumb. Why would any group only work and try and hope for the absolute least they can get? You set your sights high, as high as you can dream, and you celebrate any victory, any advance, any improvement, while continuing to try to reach the stars.

The fight for GLBT equality is the same fight as any other group's fight for civil rights. Did Martin Luther King, Jr. dream that one day his four children would live in a nation where people allowed that they were black but didn't accept them? Did Elizabeth Cady Stanton look for a country where women could vote but not have property or parental rights? Did Cesar Chavez fight only against unfair wages and not for Latino equality? Why should the GLBTA community work for only tolerance and not to be fully embraced?

The process is slow, the process is painful, the process is discouraging. But the process is still progress toward a greater ideal. We take baby steps toward a goal that is far away, yes. I may not see the eventual attainment of that goal. But I place the bar as high as it can go so that those who come after me know that they must leap their highest and keep leaping, not give it a medium effort and be satisfied with mediocrity.

So, Um, Anyway...Fuck You

2010-09-08T22:04:00.001-07:00

There are times when people post things that are so disgusting and bigoted that I can't allow myself to respond to them because it's obvious that they are incapable of having a reasoned discussion on the subject and I am incapable of respecting them enough as a human being to attempt to speak at a level they will understand.

However, any time that I let something go by that is expressing intolerance of a group of people, I feel like I'm letting down those that I love who are members of that group. Like I'm not being the friend I should be, since I'm letting hatred go unchallenged.

A few weeks ago, an individual that I already actively dislike and consider to be beneath dirt made some factually incorrect statements about Muslims, about their aims and goals, and about Sharia law. He confused Sharia law with the laws or practices of certain countries which have a majority Muslim population (not at all the same thing, just because 82% of the population of the state of Montana is Christian, and it was legal to drink and drive in Montana until 2003 doesn't mean that Christian teachings state that driving under the influence is a good thing). Everything he said was either inaccurate, completely false, bigoted, hate speech, or propaganda. One of the kindest parts of one of his posts included this:

Not saying they’re all bad, but I sure as fuck don’t want them involved in politics.

So here is what I wanted to say in response:

When you say "them", you mean Muslims, correct? Let me be sure I'm understanding and replying not to a misunderstanding but to what you're actually saying. You "sure as fuck don't want [Muslims] involved in politics." And since you've focused in your posts on Muslims in the US, you mean specifically that you don't want Muslims involved in politics in the United States, right?

In what way do you mean you don't want them involved? You want them not to be allowed to do any lobbying? That would mean you'd be giving rights to Shell Oil and to Greenpeace and to Foster Farms Chicken that you are taking away from a group of US citizens, based on their religious beliefs. Or do you mean you want them not to be allowed to hold political office? That would mean that you'd be removing rights from a group of US citizens, rights that even dogs have (search for Bosco, the dog mayor of the city of Sunol, if you need more clarification on that), based on their religious beliefs. Or do you mean you want them not to be allowed to vote? Because after all, since you've stated what you believe the Muslim agenda is (to expand the borders of their home nations, to convert all persons, to bring the world under Sharia law, etc.), wouldn't they be using their votes to further that agenda? Voting for people who will make the changes they want, who will "turn" this country toward Islam? Won't they be using their votes to pass propositions and bills and such that get them what you say they want? Being allowed to vote keeps them involved in politics, which you say you don't want, therefore we'd have to strip them of their right to vote, just the way we strip convicted felons of their right to vote, only in this case because of their religious beliefs. Right?

Now, in the place that you've posted these views and this opinion, you are aware that there are a significant number of group members who are Muslim, correct? You know that you are telling LSGers directly that you don't want them involved in the politics of their own country. Yes, some of them are immigrants, some are first generation, and so both of those groups have some sort of connection to those "home nations" you say they want to expand the borders of. But some were born to Christian American families who have been in the US for generations. Their "home nation" is the US. Their culture is that of the mid-west or deep south or New England or Pacific Northwest or similar. But of course they're Muslim, regardless of how long they've been Muslim, and as you say, you don't want them involved in politics, so of course you have to strip them of their rights as well, right?

Or if you're ok with the Muslim LSGers who were born and raised in the US retaining the rights that the Constitution of the United States gives them, how do you determine which Muslims you're going to target in this decision of who is and is not "allowed" in your mind to be involved in politics? Is it just those who were born outside of the US? What about Muslims from Northern European countries who have come to the States? Are they ok to vote and maybe hold office on their local city council? If they're ok, since they wouldn't be wanting to "expand the borders of their home nations" (like Norway or Denmark), do you restrict it to just Muslims that come from a certain part of the world? Do you think it'd be ok to allow Muslims who are not Middle-Eastern to retain the rights this country's founding documents give to all citizens? What about those who were born in the States but have family in the Middle East? Or who were born here but their parents were born in the Middle East? What of those who have a white/black/Hispanic/Asian father and Middle-Eastern mother, or vice versa? What if it's only their great-grandfather who was Middle-Eastern, are they tainted enough by the brush of being a Muslim that they shouldn't be allowed to be involved in the running of their own country (that would be the US, just in case you've forgotten that being a US citizen makes the US their country)?

And how to keep track of which US citizens you're going to make less than full citizens? Should there be a national registry that all Muslim Americans will have to sign onto, in case they should dare to attempt to vote, or report for jury duty, or sign a petition endorsing a political candidate, or donate some of their hard earned money to a particular cause? Maybe it'd be easiest if they all had to wear some sort of label. After all, political canvassers often solicit outside of supermarkets or by going door to door, and they might not otherwise know that they were involving a Muslim in the politics of our country. Should that label be on their clothes or on their skin? I believe there was a group in Germany in the 1940s who tried both of those methods of keeping track of members of a religious group and limiting their involvement in the running of the country. You might want to look into that.

What kind of a moronic racist asshole must you be? The basic foundation of this country says in so many words that you and what you stand for are all that is the antithesis of America. All persons who come to this country, regardless of race, creed, origin, religious beliefs, etc., all are equal and all have an equal say in where this country goes and how it gets there. No citizen will have their rights ripped away from them without due process. It disgusts me to have to share space with you, even in a virtual way, but as a citizen of this country you have the right to verbally spew your lies and your hatred, and the Muslims that you are judging and condemning have the right to be involved in every level of politics that they so desire. Those are both fundamental rights, which you will find spelled out in so many words in the document that is the backbone of this country you're so quick to protect against imagined invaders. You know, the Constitution. Fuck you if you want to dilute that document. Fuck you if you want to attack our Muslim brothers and sisters. Fuck you if you think you're so much better than anybody else. And thank fuck for the fact that no matter what you may "not want them involved in", you can't do a goddamn thing about it. Because this is the US and religious freedom is fundamental. (Oh, quick clue for you, btw: according to Sharia law, stoning is only allowed as retribution for adultery, no other crimes, and even then it requires either a confession or four eye-witnesses. Those restrictions came directly from Muhammad, so there's no pretending otherwise. Countries like Iran that stone homosexuals are not following Sharia law, they're creating a law unto themselves. See my above comparison to Montana if you need to be walked through that concept.)

Anyway, I like the LSG Moderators and would hate for them to have to put their heads on their arms and cry, so I didn't post the above. ;) But my god, did I ever want to.

Home Again

2010-09-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

The previous post was not what I originally planned to post about, but I wanted to explain why I'm in the house I'm currently in, and realized that it was going to be long enough that I should separate the subjects into two posts.

Although my mom and stepdad didn't get married until I was 23, they had been dating since I was 14. When they did get married, they decided to sell his house (much larger than they needed since all their kids were now adults) and live in my mom's house. My mom and I moved into this house when I was 17. So the bedroom that the cats and I are staying in used to be my room. As distressed as I am by the events that have caused me to be here, it is at least a bit reassuring to be in a place that is so well-known. The ceiling is still blue with white sponge-painted clouds and glow-in-the-dark star stickers, which we did for fun the summer after we moved in. Most of the house furnishings have long since changed, but there are some things that my mom has had literally all my life (dining room table, china hutch, side server). The carpet is only about 2 years old, but the walls of the master bedroom, while not white like they were when I lived here, are still the yellow that I painted for them 5 years ago as a favour. Familiarity is comforting in hard times. And the Bay Area is my home, so it is definitely familiar. I know how to get anywhere I need to go without checking Google maps first. I know all the area codes and many of the prefixes for phone numbers in a 60 mile radius. I am in a place I know, and that helps with everything else.

Most especially comforting, on the wall of the bedroom I'm sleeping in, just above the sofabed, there's a framed art print that my mom has had as long as I can remember. Originally it was done in the 1930s, though I don't know how old my mom's copy is, when she got it, or from where. But over the years I have spent more time than I can say looking at it, getting lost in the details, letting it distract me in hard times. It's called The Land of Make Believe, and the artist is Jaro Hess.

Details from RDI:

Maybe escapism isn't always the best way to deal with things, but I think as long as I can sit here and cuddle my cats and pretend that I'm in The City of Many Towers Where the Beautiful Princess Lives or The Enchanted Wood, near the spot Where Fairies Dance in Moonlight or following The Path That Leads to No Place Eventually, everything is going to be ok in the end.

Home

2010-09-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

We're dealing with some stresses at the moment, like much of the rest of the country, due to finances. I've been off work since April 2009, so our savings has been burned through and we're having to live on very little, when we were barely scraping by as it was. With the furlough program in place my sweetheart's income is also reduced (those Fridays when the building is closed are unpaid days off, so that's less money coming in), plus we have to worry about the Controller being overruled and being forced to accept the governor's plan to put all state employees on minimum wage until the budget is signed. Add to that my increased medical bills, 3 uninsured hospital stays, well I'm not going to list it all. Suffice it to say that like tens of thousands of other people across the US, we're struggling.

Our home has lost 70% of its value in the past four years, and there is no way that we can afford to wait for it to recover, if it ever does. We bought it not planning to be in the area for this long, expecting to sell again within about 2 years (as in the past), but the job transfers for his Department just dried up and we couldn't get out again. He even considered taking a job with my agency that he didn't want, in an area we didn't particularly want to live in, just to broaden the options. Well, we waited it out in the IE, where we absolutely hate living, hoping for the best. And now we're losing our home. Well, if we have to take the huge credit hit and lose our home and move and all, at least we can come back Home to Northern California, where we want to be. Except that there aren't any job openings available for him anywhere in the state until the budget passes. And month-to-month leases in CA are outrageously expensive. So we're waiting for the bank to slap a notice on the door, and as soon as that happens the cats and I will be moving north to my folks' house. They're not there at the moment, they work for the National Forest Service from May to October. But there's no storage space there, so I can take 6 boxes with me, and the rest goes to my sister's storage unit in Central California (for which favour I am supremely grateful), which is approximately 10feet by 5 feet. Anything we can't fit in there gets donated, sold, or tossed. While I'm living in NorCal, he will be still in SoCal, living in the car (there's a shower at work) and waiting for the budget to pass so that his agency can start hiring again and he can get a job transfer. Once he gets a transfer, the cats and I will join him with my folks' RV (which is what they live in from May to October) and we'll all stay in that for awhile. Hopefully within a year we'll have recovered enough to be able to get an apartment or a mother-in-law unit or something.

At the moment, I'm at my folks' house with the cats. We drove up a load of our stuff to put in my sister's storage yesterday, then my sweetheart dropped us off here at my folks' and has continued north for a hunting trip with a friend. Get some of our stuff moved, get the cats used to long car rides, get them used to my folks' house, etc. My folks' day off every week is Tuesday, so they'll be arriving home on Monday night and leaving again Wednesday morning, bringing my dog with them. Now I'll be glad to see my dog (I miss him--he lives with my folks because our city down south has restrictions on fence height and he jumps 6 feet so our yard would not contain him), but he is not cat-friendly. So in order to try to make that all go smoothly, my mom asked me to keep the cats confined to the bedroom, so my dog won't come home to find that his whole house smells like unfamiliar animal. Therefore the cats (traumatized by 12 hours in the car yesterday [we had to drive extra slow because of the trailer, stop frequently for them to go to the bathroom and all, and unload the trailer at my sister's storage] and therefore unwilling to let me out of their sight) and I are in a room 10 feet by 11 feet, which is usually a combination office/craft/sewing room, with the sofa bed pulled out, leaving a 3foot square area for me to walk in. Alone.

The cats, by the way, only screamed for the first 90 minutes or so of the drive, then they both peed in their carriers (on my lap) (soft-sided carriers, so the pee soaked through the carriers and onto me) (so that I smelled like cat pee until we arrived at my sister's, where we took a shower).

Poor Editing

2010-08-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Cake Boss on Netflix Instant (don't ask me why, I hate watching people scream at each other in the workplace), and was vaguely curious about the level of actual reality. You know, did they drop the cake down the stairs on purpose for extra drama, or was it really an accident? That sort of thing.

So the episode I just finished, Season 1, Episode 12, Leaning, Lobsters & Lectures, includes a guy who orders a cake but gives the wrong date, and comes back early to say "I'm sorry, I need the cake tonight". Of course, the answer is always "yes, we can do that for you", regardless of how ridiculous the time schedule is, so back the boss goes to tell everybody that the cake has to be made tonight.

Here's where it gets entertaining to me. Buddy talks to Mauro and Danny about how he has just been told the cake is needed tonight, and hasn't even started it yet. Mauro and Danny, who are working on a draped white wedding cake, tell him he should've said no. Buddy begins to work on the guy's cake, and of course they show him starting from scratch because he hadn't even begun to work on the cake before the guy came in. Yet Mauro and Danny's draped white wedding cake in the background is suddenly not as far along as it was when Buddy was talking to them.

When Buddy hadn't yet started working on his cake, the wedding cake in the background had 3 tiers, one completely draped, one partially done, and the third not yet decorated. When he was working on the actual cake section, the wedding cake in the background had 2 tiers, one completely draped, the next not yet decorated. When he was working on the next step, the lobsters, the wedding cake in the background was just the first draped tier, nothing else.

I don't think they could've found a way to make it more obvious that Buddy started with the lobsters, moved on to the cake, and then they asked the guy to come in and pretend he'd given the wrong date to begin with, and had Buddy, Mauro, and Danny stage their little conversation.

I did kind of enjoy watching the magic shrinking wedding cake, though.

Aloof

2010-08-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm very protective of what information is available about me. For 6 years I've used pseudonyms for my sweetheart on different forums, instead of using his first name (our last name has legally changed during that time) (prior to that time I did use his first name now and then). I choose to be vague about whether we're married, domestic partners, common-law spouses, boyfriend/girlfriend, what. I have a PO Box that is where I receive only certain types of mail, and our other mail goes to a total of 7 different addresses, covering 4 counties and 5 cities. The last name I use to receive mail at the address I give out for online interactions (same last name I use for Facebook) is not the last name I use in regular life. I won't state which law enforcement agency I work for, only that I'm technically employed by the State, that it's not CHP, and that I have a civilian position, not a sworn one. I'm vague about where my most recent previous police employer was, though I don't mind that getting out as much, because I interact online with many old co-workers. Since I've moved 15 times in the past 11 years I don't make it clear where exactly my "home" really was, or when I've lived in different spots, or for how long. I mention one sibling fairly often, but rarely bring up the others. I never discuss what type of car I drive and am vague about what sort he drives. I never say how old I am. I never discuss offline friends in online venues. I only give out my cell phone number to a very small select group, and only to those that I can trust won't pass it on. I have 8 email addresses that I use on a regular basis, and only give out two of them. I never refer to my exhusband or any of his relatives by first or last name. If I take photos near my home outside, I carefully avoid including street signs, business signs, or major landmarks.

I don't enjoy these things. I do them for various reasons, including the nature of both my job and his, and a bad previous experience with friends from a discussion board that had been close for several years (and whom we'd met in person a few times) before making personal judgment calls about my lifestyle and trying to end the parts they disagreed with. The biggest reason for being so careful is that I've spent too much time protecting myself from my exhusband to throw it all away by being easily found online. Yes, he's incarcerated now, and there's 6 more years before he's eligible for parole, but a) he doesn't seem to be getting over his fixation with me, and b) he has friends and family on the outside (apparently the longer he's in prison, the more friends he has on the outside who are willing to assist him, it's a serious pain in the ass). It's not just online, we've taken a lot of legal steps to make it hard to find me through any sort of official records, too. Phone bills, utility bills, car registration and insurance, driver's license, personnel records, bank accounts, mortgage, all of it is so mired in loops and confidentiality agreements and different names and third party agreements that sometimes it's hard for us to remember which companies and agencies know us by which names and locations. Even my co-workers haven't known where we live, and most have never had my cell number. If I get pulled over for speeding, when the officer runs my plate the only return he'll get is "Confidential" and the name of the police agency that 10-36ed it for me.

Unfortunately, in order to be safe, I've had to create this barrier between me and the people I interact with the most. This creates an idea to some that I'm somewhat aloof, in the sense of distant, standoffish, or even disinterested or snobbish. From my side, it means I always feel, to various degrees, left out. It feels as if there's a large group made up of many smaller groups, and I'm the individual wandering around the large group who doesn't belong to any of those smaller groups, or even to a pairing. I don't have that "best" online friend, because the people I feel closest to, feel closest to somebody else. In a lot of ways I'm self-contained. I don't need to vent or to unload very often, even when I'm stressed or depressed all I generally say about it publicly is how I'm feeling, not so much why. I usually keep that for my sweetheart and my family. But I regularly find myself disappointed, when I thought I was finally making a connection with someone I particularly care for, to find that I've slipped their mind or to receive a polite, breezy, "acquaintance-only" or business style PM from them.

I know I have to be safe first. It wasn't that many years ago that I had my final in-person run-in with my ex, and neither my sweetheart nor I are likely to forget that in a hurry. But it is awfully lonely sometimes.

Learn From Others' Mistakes

2010-08-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

To get it out of my system since there's no need for me to post it in the thread where it's happening on Rav (I'm not involved in any way), I'm posting this here.

Sorry, you don't get to pull the "it's none of your business" card. Or the "this should be in PM/email" card. Or the "you shouldn't post about this publicly" card. Or the "there's only a couple of us and we're working as fast as we can" card.

You're not an individual in this situation, you're a business.

If you ran a brick and mortar LYS, and had arranged for a lot of classes over the course of several days with famous instructors coming to your store and students travelling from all over to attend, and then this happened, what do you think would be the result, barring the internet completely? The teachers who had arranged to meet privately with friends who were also students would call them to say "I won't be there, and this is why". Those friends would call their friends and say "ohmygod did you hear what happened?!". Those friends would probably call the store and say "what's going on?! I heard some classes are cancelled and instructors aren't coming and people are being deported?!". Would you then ask the caller "are you signed up for the course? No? Then it's none of your business." and hang up on them? If they were signed up for the course would you say "what's happening is none of your business, everything will be worked out by the time you arrive" and hang up? Some local people would probably show up in the shop to ask what was happening. Would you turn to them and ask them to their face "are you signed up for the course? No? Then go away and get out of my store!" or for those who ask "should I still come? are the times different? will I get a refund?" or even ask for a refund right then because they didn't want to be bothered with the whole mess, would you say "don't talk about this in front of my other customers, it's being dealt with privately and what's happening behind the scenes is none of your business"?

Because if that's how you would run a business, let me make it clear now: you would be out of business really quickly. You only have a few people running this whole thing? Then you should have hired some part-time help months ago. You don't like people talking about it because it's embarrassing, hurtful, bad publicity, frustrating? Sorry, that's what happens when you make a mistake in business. You had 10 months to figure out permits and all other involved paperwork, but it's Saturday and you're saying since you don't need them until Tuesday everything is fine. When you run a business and you let things slide to the last minute, especially when that causes personal discomfort and public humiliation for another human being, you can expect to spend at least the next several months repairing the error, if you ever can.

So many times people have tried to use the excuse of family illness, bereavement, natural disaster, or similar personal problems to get out of taking responsibility for business crises that are being discussed on Ravelry, and they rightfully get pilloried for it. Because we all know that "life happens", and if you're a business owner and life happens to you, you either need to have arranged things so that the business could go on despite your own personal misfortune, or you need to expect to suck it up and say "I fucked up here and I am truly sorry. This is how I plan to try to make it right." Learn from the examples of those who have whined and cried and said "my sister died!" "my house flooded!" "there's only two of us trying to deal with all of this!". None of that matters. Small or large business, you are a business and you can't get away with that. Once you start running a business, you become as Wal-Mart or Microsoft. Your personal life and your errors are not your customers' problem, and it is for you to work around them and still present your service as advertised, openly, and treating all persons with respect as customers or possible future customers. Otherwise you might as well just close up shop, because those you've treated badly will close it up for you.

Last on Quilting for a Bit

2010-08-04T18:23:00.001-07:00

One of the joys of a Log Cabin quilt is that it provides the opportunity for using rotary cutting techniques, which is much faster than template cutting. Unfortunately, I don't have a large enough table at home to be able to do any rotary cutting. My cutting mat is larger than our kitchen table, which is round and has a slight upraised lip all around it (it's a glass topped steel café table), my desktop is only about 15 inches by 30 inches, and we have no other tables. After considering, attempting, and rejecting several options for cutting elsewhere (study rooms at the library, tables at the fabric store, etc), I gave in and began cutting the old-fashioned way...sort of. Since all of my pieces are 2.5inch strips (including quarter inch seam allowance), I used my rotary ruler and chalk pencil, drew a line, and cut the strip. I am not fond of template cutting, and for rectangles it seemed that it would be a little silly.

For the first 5 months I could only work on the quilt when my sweetheart wasn't home, and had to get everything cleared away before he got in from work, the gym, or wherever. This was a surprise gift, and while I knew it would be far from complete when his birthday came around, that was the first I wanted him to hear about it or see it. Because of those time restrictions (as well as having to stop entirely in order to do Christmas gift knitting and similar projects), I got about 65% done with the cutting in the first 6 months. Which is a lame speed, I know. I did some cutting out of order and quickly pieced together one block so that I could wrap it and show it to him on his birthday, and he was very very pleased. After that I took a break from the project for a couple of months because a) I wasn't in the mood for it, b) I had other things I was working on, and c) I had worn my chalk pencil down to the nub and couldn't afford the $2 or whatever it was to go get a new one. When I picked it back up again, the remaining 35% of the cutting took a little over a week. (Well, sort of. I still have to cut the border and the edging, but due to not reading my own note to myself I messed up and had to buy some more of the brown fabric for the border, which wasn't available at my local store, so the store near my mom held it, she picked it up, and has it up at her house. It is difficult for me to cut fabric that's 400 miles away. But I won't need it until I piece all 16 blocks, so it's not a big deal. The edging I haven't done yet because it requires more thinking than I'm currently in any state to do--pain meds and all--as my mom and I always do our edging the same way. It is an approximately 880 inch long continuous strip of material on the bias. In order to make that, I have to do math involving square roots and make a square of fabric into an offset tube of fabric and, well, it's a great trick from a magazine that my mom cut out in the 1960s and made about a million copies of, and I'm grateful for it, but I'm not up for actually doing it right now.)

Every piece has been ironed in preparation for piecing. I keep the pieces in sandwich bags, labelled on the outside with what pieces are inside (“GREEN 8.5 x 2.5”) and a number indicating how many total there are. At this point it becomes an assembly line. I start with a 4.5x4.5” green square and a 4.5x2.5” green strip, pin right sides together, and sew. Do that 16 times, turn off the sewing machine and turn on the iron. Remove the pins while the iron heats up, then press open the seams, turn off the iron, turn the sewing machine back on, and move on to the next strip to be added.

When it comes to quilt seams, you don't always do the same thing every time. If any of my material were white, for example, I'd press my seams differently. In this case I'm pressing them open, as shown below, because most of my quilting is going to be artistic. If I press the seams to one side or the other, then any quilting that goes through that side will have to go through not just the front of the quilt, the batting, and the back of the quilt, but also two layers of seam allowance. That's more difficult and throws off my quilting rhythm, which in turn throws off my quilting skill and look. If I press them open, there will still be a single seam allowance in that spot, but not two, which is easier to get through. It also means less visible bulk in that spot if there is later quilting on both sides of the seam allowance. I may end up doing some quilting in the ditch, which is traditional with Log Cabin quilts, although I haven't decided yet (I think I know what I'm going to do with about half of my quilting, but am not 100% sure and don't know at all yet what I'm going to do with the other half), and pressing the seam allowances open, while making in the ditch quilting more difficult than if I pressed them away from the ditch I plan to quilt in, is still better than if I were to accidentally press them toward the ditch I end up quilting in. (The reason white fabric would mean pressing my seams differently is that I always press seams away from the white pieces, no matter what quilting I'm going to do. Otherwise the seam is always at least somewhat visible through the white fabric on the completed quilt, which I find unattractive.)

As of the time I'm typing this, that's where I am with my project. I've pieced 4.5x4.5” squares to 4.5x2.5” strips, that to 6.5” strips, that to more 6.5” strips, that to 8.5” strips, and the resulting 8.5” pieced square awaits me at the sewing machine. There are still 16 more strips to be pieced to each block, and 16 blocks total. Between pinning, sewing, unpinning, and pressing, it took me the length of Back to the Future Part 1 to do the first two steps of the above and each strip will take longer as I continue (since each strip gets longer). But it is my sincere hope (assuming I don't go back into the hospital in the meantime) to have 16 completed quilt blocks by August 9th (an arbitrary deadline, there's nothing happening that day related to this project). Once I've done that, it'll be just a matter of piecing the blocks to each other, getting the border fabric from my mom, cutting and piecing it to the pieced quilt, and selecting backing fabric. Then begins the longest, slowest, but to my mind best part of the hobby: the actual quilting.

Who knows? I may even finish the thing in time to give it to him for Christmas 2011!

Continuing With Quilting

2010-08-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

New quilters, I strongly urge you to begin with projects that you find in books. Books will have calculated yardage for you, and you can simply go to the fabric store with the list they provide, choose the fabrics you like, and get as much of each as the author has instructed. Figuring out your own yardage, unless you can afford to waste a lot of fabric, can be a real pain in the ass. I'm not going to get into it too much here, suffice it to say that I used several sheets of graph paper and actually drew out the pieces to be cut (with seam allowances), to determine how many could be cut out of each yard of material. Since bias lines make a difference and the pattern on some material can make a difference (if a pattern has an obvious 'top' and 'bottom' then all pieces have to be cut the same direction, while if it does not some pieces can be cut vertically while others horizontally. Still, pieces cannot be cut on the diagonal either way because of the stretch of the fabric.) and my math skills aren't the greatest, actually drawing it out was the only way I was likely to get it accurate.

I consider myself to have had the greatest luck with finding fabric for this project. Not only did I find each colour in the depth, shade, and hue that I was hoping for (basically), I found fabric with patterns that represented what I wanted each colour to represent. I didn't want busy fabrics, or floral fabrics, or fabrics with large patterns that would be broken up visually in the cutting. This limited my options immensely, but I was successful all the same. The green is tiny vines with leaves, which is a good representation of the plants and growing things that the green in my quilt is meant to bring to mind. It's also a pattern without direction, as the vines twist every which way and the leaves move out the same way. It's a small pattern and also subtle. The brown, which was meant to represent earth, dirt, and to some small extent the bark of trees, is speckled with what appears at close scrutiny to be kind of dried water droplets, and is not a single brown but a range of browns blending together at points and deeper or lighter in some areas. I think the speckling gives not just visual interest and texture, but recalls pebbles and bits of dirt, while not being something as gauche as polka dots (blech). The blue I expected to have a hard time finding, because it's meant to represent mostly water but also air and the sky, and it's difficult to find a single fabric that can in any way evoke both things. What I lit upon is an almost tie-dyed-looking fabric, which to me looks both like waves on the ocean and a bright spring sky with clouds that are invisible but which change the depth of the blue from one spot to the next.

Once I'd found these three bolts of fabric (and either 2 or 3 others that I was considering), I stood in Jo-Ann Fabrics for about 20 minutes layering fabrics on top of each other, stepping back, and squinting at them. And gazing at them. And looking for one of those “natural light” lamps then staring at them. And then staring at totally different fabric to cleanse my visual memory (like water between sips at a wine tasting) and then squinting at them again. In the end I knew I had what I wanted, got my yardage, and headed for home.

Note: I don't generally start worrying about the backing fabric until it's time to actually use it. First, I can't usually afford to buy it at the same time that I buy the quilting fabric, and secondly when I buy the quilting fabric I've just spent so much time and energy in deciding exactly what I want that I'm spent from it and can't determine what's perfect for the back. My requirements for backing fabric are simplicity, a pattern that won't make the two large seams too terribly obvious, and some sort of echo of the theme of the front of the quilt without mirroring the front of the quilt. I also like to find material that will both show off my quilting to good advantage and hide those places where some of my stitches kind of suck. Usually I don't know until I've been working with the quilting fabrics for some time exactly what I want to do with the back.

More On Quilting

2010-08-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

I decided quite some time ago that I wanted to make my sweetheart a quilt. Some knitters talk about the Sweater Curse, and I defy those who believe in it to consider making a quilt for their partner prior to marriage. A quilt is not something that many guys (generally) have been raised to understand the background and value of. It's a blanket, a bed covering, a practical and useful item that is also attractive, but it's rare to find a man who is aware of the history of quilting or the work that goes into it. Therefore making a quilt for a man who has not seen you make any quilts previously finds you running the risk of a thank you that feels inadequate and then seeing your gift folded up and put in a closet (or, worse, tossed into the backseat of a car for use on camping trips and picnics) (note: I was raised by a quilter and as a family we used several of her quilts for camping trips, picnics, outdoor concerts, etc. But those were quilts that she had made with that sort of purpose in mind, so it didn't matter if smooshed bugs and dirt and weeds and such got onto the quilts, they'd come home and get tossed in the washing machine and then used again).

However, with my sweetheart, though he was raised by a mother without a crafty bone in her body, he has a great appreciation for the home arts. I knew that he would value the quilt as more than a blanket. I knew that he would understand at least to some extent what had gone into it. The next concerns when making a quilt for a man are style, design, practicality. My sweetheart is not going to want to hang a quilt on the wall as art. Even if he were inclined that way, we never live in homes where that's going to be a possibility. We don't have large empty walls (we also have cats who would consider hanging fabric an invitation to attempt a climbing expedition to the ceiling using their claws). A quilt for him needs to be useful for warmth. Now, a throw is always a possibility, but he's not the kind of guy who ever needs or uses a throw or a lap blanket. This left a bed-sized quilt, which was my preference anyway. While we do have a twin-sized daybed in the back bedroom for guests, we never had any plans to keep it long-term and putting a quilt back there would mean he wouldn't get any use or enjoyment out of his own gift. So the quilt needed to be large enough to go on our own bed, which is a Queen. One decision made, practicality and dimensions determined.

There are hundreds, probably thousands, of quilt block patterns that are at least somewhat common or traditional out there. Flipping through just the few books I have at home showed me just how many of those are flower-based or in some other way have a feminine bent. I needed a masculine pattern for a man's quilt, and additionally I hoped to find a pattern that had some sort of personal meaning itself, not just an attractive design when completed, but as an individual block. Just as the Double Wedding Ring quilting pattern is not only pretty and interesting, it's a good gift for a just-married couple. Or the Grandmother's Fan is a good gift for (who else?) a grandmother, especially if you incorporate meaningful fabrics (the grandmother's fan quilt that my own mother made years ago included scraps from clothes she made for my sister and I, another side benefit to sewing your own clothes being that you know which ones are 100% cotton and suitable for quilting and which are jersey and absolutely unsuitable). I considered, and rejected, a pattern of flying ducks, for the simple reason that while my sweetheart is a hunter, I didn't feel like dealing with that many points and I didn't think that he'd find an alternating block quilt as attractive as some other styles, and I think that pattern was too busy to place each block next to each other without some sort of sashing or plain blocks in between.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, it came to me. One of the most traditional, best-known, oldest, and in some ways simplest quilt patterns there is. A pattern I had been flipping right past in all of my books simply because it's so well-known and basic. A pattern that has been around so long that Pottery Barn sells quilts in that pattern and knitters have found a way to copy it in yarn. The Log Cabin. How many times have we talked and dreamed about our post-retirement plans that include “a little cabin somewhere”? How many “little cabins” have we looked at on realty sites online or even gone to view in person? And to me, a log cabin (the thing, not the pattern) represents a certain type of lifestyle. The outdoors, close to nature, simple, quiet, hard work but satisfying. Exactly the things my sweetheart misses about his ranch and which we are working to get back to.

Now, the main reasons I'd been ignoring the Log Cabin pattern I've mentioned above. But there is another, more pressing, which is that I find most Log Cabin quilts to be too fussy and cluttered looking. Too busy.
If it's too busy and cluttered for my taste, it will definitely be too much for his. This comes from the fact that most Log Cabin quilt blocks are constructed with many different fabrics, so that every strip is different. Some are made with only three or four fabrics, but with each strip different from the strip beside it. I decided not to construct based on the individual blocks, but on the quilt as a whole. No sashing, no plain blocks (as already mentioned), what could I do with log cabin blocks placed beside each other? In the end I created a center diamond that exists only as a block of colour, surrounded by what appears to be another diamond created by a visual trick of colour, with another block of colour creating a third diamond around that. The corners, another visual trick, set off the interior diamonds. Individually, each block was identical, only turned in various ways to create the lines I wanted. This simplified construction for me, because there would be less chance of me getting into a groove while piecing and making a mistake. It also made sense considering the eventual recipient, who is not someone who appreciates complications, lol.

The most noticeable departure from the traditional Log Cabin layout (by the way, I would like to note that I in no way pretend that I am the first to have done a Log Cabin quilt in this way. There is nothing new under the sun, and Log Cabin quilts have been made for over 150 years. I'm certain that if I put some time into it, a Google Image Search would find similarly laid out Log Cabin quilts. My pride comes not from the mistaken impression of having created a never-before-seen design, but from having created a new-to-me and absolutely-perfect-for-my-purpose design) is that not only are there only three colours in my design, but two of those colours are hardly used. In every block there are 21 pieces. Of those 21 pieces, only two are brown, four are blue, and the remaining 15 are all green. The Log Cabin construction, how it grows out from a center square, all of that will be mostly lost to casual view by placing so many green pieces beside one another.

Now, having selected a pattern and designed the layout, colours were next and were the easiest step. My sweetheart loves little more in this world than being outside, gardening or hunting or fishing or bodysurfing in the ocean or any number of outdoor activities. He's also been a bit of an eco-nut since the sixties, and has been annoying his friends with talk on protecting the earth, saving the trees, and cleaning up our water since long before those things became popular buzzwords. Any quilt that represents him at all, especially one with a Log Cabin pattern that references his love of homesteading, hunting, and the self-sufficient lifestyle, would have to focus on the outdoors. To me, that meant the obvious colour choices were green, brown, and blue. That combination is also a more masculine theme, which helps. I settled on the general shade, hues, and depth of each colour fairly rapidly and can't really explain that, it's an instinctual thing and it's also temporary because it was a guide for me in picking out fabrics, not a final selection. I also determined almost immediately that I preferred the green to be the main colour, with the blue and brown as the accents, but again it's not explainable, just my own sense of what would be better. The last step was determining how wide of a border I wanted, which was a matter of playing around a bit with math (total width and height of blocks, total desired general size of quilt, ratios, etc), and with what would be too much visual border, what too little, etc. In the end I decided that a border one-quarter the width of each individual block would be just right (that's six inches). I debated about whether it would be better to use an entirely different border fabric, but in the end thought that might draw attention away from the block layout, and tentatively marked it down for the same brown fabric as I would use for the blocks (though I did calculate separate yardage in case the brown I chose for the blocks turned out to be too busy for the border). The thin “outer border” is actually the edging, it covers the raw edge of the quilt “sandwich” and is visible on front, side, and back. Once I'd decided to use the same brown for the inner border, it was a short step to deciding to echo that by using the blue from the blocks as the edging/outer border as well. Finally, it was time to go to the fabric store and move this project from the computer spreadsheet into real life.

On Quilting

2010-08-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

Because I live in the low desert in the Inland Empire of Southern CA, I find summer a very difficult time to do any knitting. When it's 106ºF outside and 94ºF inside, it's hard to make myself pick up a bag of wool and start working with it. And I am not a big user of cotton yarn. In summer I generally stick to small projects--like socks--so that there's nothing draped over my lap while I work, but even small projects mean having the wool between my fingers and, well, frankly, when it's over 90ºF inside my house, my hands get sweaty when working with small needles and wool. Although my sister has a summer birthday (August), the rest of my family special occasions (read: gifting occasions) occur between December and early June, so there's no gift knitting to be done, and all in all I'm just not a productive knitter during the summer months. It's unfortunate, because I'd like to be able to work on a sweater during the summer so that it's completed and wearable in the winter, but there it is. I just can't motivate myself this time of year.

But I must have a project during the day. I must have things to work on. Fortunately, I have about a million other interests and hobbies besides knitting (knitting is actually a relatively new hobby for me, as I didn't pick it up until about 7 years ago, didn't really start producing much until about 5 years ago, and didn't really get into it until about 3 years ago). So recently I've been working on my sweetheart's quilt. I've been quilting since the mid-90s, taught by my mom, and I love it with a special love that knitting can never replace, but I rarely do any quilting these days, for several reasons. First, it's not portable. Unless I'm doing a wall hanging or a crib quilt or maybe a small lap quilt, I can't take it with me to doctor's offices, coffee shops, or friends' houses to work on it while waiting or chatting. Secondly, it requires more house-space and more set up than knitting does. For my knitting projects, I have yarn, pattern, and needles in a cotton drawstring bag, and a pencil case that I use to hold my notions (measuring tape, row counter, scissors, crochet hook, etc) that gets added to whichever bag holds the current project. When I want to work on a project, I grab the bag that contains it. I have everything I need in a small bag and all I need is a little bit of elbow room and my own lap. When I'm done with my knitting for the day, I stash the project bag in a variety of places. Under the side tables in the living room, on a shelf in the back bedroom, in a hanging basket in the eating nook, in a corner of the sofa, whatever. For my quilting, however, I need storage space for a sewing machine, cutting mats, fishing tackle box that houses my spools of thread, large notions box, quilting hoops of various sizes, rotary cutting rulers, template plastic, fabric, fabric scraps, batting, iron, ironing board, etc. When I want to work on a project, what I grab depends on the stage of the project I'm at, but it's all of one of the following: a) fabric, scissors, rotary cutter, cutting mats, templates, rotary rulers, chalk pencil/washable blue fabric pen; b) fabric, sewing machine, thread, scissors, measuring tape, pins, iron, ironing board; c) fabric, batting, backing, thread, basting needles, very large table; d) quilt-in-progress, thread, needles, hoop, binding clips. Before I can start working on whichever step it is, I have to set up, which takes time, and some of the steps require large amounts of space that I don't always have available to me. I've never had my own house or apartment large enough, or owned a table large enough, to baste a quilt in my own home, for example.

If I know I'm going to be quilting every day for a succession of days (or even weeks), then I can justify leaving things set up for it, but I live in small homes so it means sacrifices on the part of those of us living with these things. When I lived in Arizona I made a quilt for my (now former) mother-in-law, which required something in the neighborhood of 900 strips of fabric, all a little over one inch tall, and varying from one inch to around 6 inches wide. I don't remember exactly how many different fabrics were used, but I believe it was 24 different colours and 6 different shades of tan. Just the cutting and piecing of the top of that quilt took several months (I was working full time) during which our less-than-600 square foot apartment was mostly taken up with strips of fabric. We owned one table, and couldn't eat at it for the entire time I worked on that quilt top.

One of the things that I love about quilting, despite the inconvenience of it as a hobby for those in reduced circumstances, is that there are so many different steps to it. Designing, selecting fabric, cutting, piecing, basting, quilting. That's what my next post will be about. The many joys of the craft, specifically showing my current project.

Commenting

2010-07-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

Not that anybody ever comments (or reads, for that matter), but just an fyi: I'm sick of deleting a ton of spam comments in another language every day. I really dislike having to add the captcha, but I don't see any other real option to get rid of the frustration level for myself. I know how annoying captchas are, sorry!

How the Emergency Room is Like a Nightclub

2010-06-20T20:54:00.001-07:00

You often spend more time waiting to get in than you do inside.
People who pay for a ride often get past the bouncer faster than people who drive themselves.
There's usually someone throwing a scene because they're not getting the attention they think they deserve, as fast as they think they should get it.
Sounds of clinking glass and people on drugs.
Vomit and/or urine have been on more of the surfaces than you really care to think about.
You lose track of time and can't see out any windows.
No one should drink anything they didn't see prepared (especially if it's yellow).
Uncomfortable outfits tend to show more skin than the wearer realizes.
Much busier and more interesting on Friday and Saturday nights.
Strangers asking uber-personal questions constantly.

De-stash Part Two

2010-06-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't had any income since April and I'm hungry. Also, we're going to have to move soon and we need to reduce the amount of "stuff" we're carrying along. Prices are in US$, payment via PayPal before I ship, no returns/refunds will be made under any circumstances, shipping will be by USPS Media Mail without insurance or tracking, unless otherwise requested (which will raise shipping costs). Links go to Amazon for demonstration/reference purposes, not to the actual item I have on hand.

Leave me a comment or email me (if you've got my email) to claim anything below:

Possible discount for purchasing multiple items

Book:
The Laughter of the Dead Kings by Elizabeth Peters
Hardcover
very good condition, some water warping to back of dust jacket
$2.00 + shipping

VHS:
claimed pending payment
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Plays perfectly, original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

A Charlie Brown Christmas
Plays perfectly, only played once, original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

DVD:

LOST Complete First Season
Plays perfectly, only played once
6 discs plus 7th bonus features disc, case, slipcover
like new condition
$10.00 + shipping

claimed pending payment
Monty Python and the Holy Grail Special Edition
Plays perfectly
case and slipcover
like new condition
$5.00 + shipping

28 Days Later
Plays perfectly
full screen version
like new condition
$5.00 + shipping

Amos & Andrew
Plays perfectly
only played once
like new condition
$2.00 + shipping

De-Lovely
Plays perfectly
no dvd case available, will be shipped in hard CD case for protection
$2.00 + shipping

Goonies
plays perfectly
former Netflix dvd, no case available, will be shipped in hard CD case for protection
$3.00 + shipping

The Best of Friends Season 1
This is not the full season, just a selection of episodes
plays perfectly
original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

The Best of Friends Season 2
This is not the full season, just a selection of episodes
plays perfectly
original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

The Best of Friends Season 3
This is not the full season, just a selection of episodes
plays perfectly
original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

The Best of Friends Season 4
This is not the full season, just a selection of episodes
plays perfectly
original cardboard case
$2.00 + shipping

PC Game:
The Sims Deluxe Edition
has been played once
2 discs, original case & printed material
compatible with Windows 95/98/XP
$5.00 + shipping

Expanding on a Point

2010-06-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

I posted the following on LSG last night:

I think it’s important to educate people against using this all too common phrase that you’ve used:

[Suicide is] a permanent solution to a temporary problem

For many many people, the ‘problem’ that causes them to contemplate suicide is sadly not temporary. Those of us who deal with chronic illness/chronic pain that cannot be cured or in some cases relieved know that we will deal with it for our lifetimes. People who deal with psychological conditions can find relief and help in treatment and medication, but that doesn’t make the condition temporary, they will have to continue to deal with it always. People who contemplate suicide in response to a life event are unlikely to be soothed by the fact that the event will pass into their personal past at some point. It’s often not about whether tomorrow will be better or whether in ten years the current despair will be behind them, it’s often about not having the ability to cope with today’s despair in order to get to some future time.

The gesture and caring behind the phrase are of course good and well-intentioned, but to the person who is struggling for a reason to live, or hoping that someone will understand, to be told that their pain is temporary can be quite dismissive and belittling. It can often feel like the words mean “this is small. Don’t do it because what you’re feeling isn’t that bad, you’ll get over it.”

There are other issues with the phrase (many people do not consider their suicide to be a “solution”; some people kill themselves when they don’t have anything that could be characterized as a specific problem; etc), but this is enough for one post. I think it’s enough just to say that when someone is considering suicide, it’s best to avoid this phrase entirely and instead remind them that they matter, that we’re here, and that we want them to live.

And I want to say a little more on the same subject, but I think it would have been inappropriate to belabour the point in thread, as the phrase was not meant with malice when it was posted, it was posted by a "guest in group", and to go on at too great a length would be to punish someone for trying to be caring, which is not my purpose. I'll go through the phrase piece by piece.

Permanent
If you are successful at suicide, the act will be permanent, yes. You will be dead, and that cannot be changed. However, not everyone views death the same way. For example, atheists and people of faith tend to have very differing views on what happens to them once they die. Not even all those with a personal faith look at the afterlife the same way. Some religions condemn suicides out of hand, others decidedly do not. Some religions have no form of "hell" in their teachings. I have a relative who belongs to a faith that teaches that we are striving to become one with god. If, at death, we haven't moved far enough forward in our lessons, the soul continues to exist on another plane, without consciousness, until it's reached the point where it is ready to become a part of a greater whole. But from the moment of death she believes that not only does all sensation and consciousness stop, but all individuality does as well. So for those who believe in any sort of life after or beyond death, the "permanency" of suicide is not necessarily a deterrent. If they believe they are moving to a better place, they may not even view it as exactly permanent, more as a transition, a temporary state of change.

Solution
The idea that people think a would-be suicide is saying to themselves "this will solve all my problems" astounds me. My high school boyfriend's brother killed himself at the age of 19. He was dealing with steroid addiction (he was into MMA and was naturally a fairly scrawny guy), and facing repercussions of his insurance fraud (to the tune of several thousand dollars), multiple misdemeanor offenses that had piled up to combine into a couple felonies, and the end of an intimate relationship. Did he think that shutting himself in the garage and turning on his car would solve those things? No. It was very clear that he did not. He knew that all those hidden secrets would come to the attention of his friends and family even faster through his death. He knew that in certain aspects his parents would have to accept responsibility through making (mostly financial) reparations for his illegal acts. He knew well that he wasn't solving anything. He was escaping.

Other people think they're being altruistic. The old standby "it would be better for my loved ones if I were gone" and "this way I'll no longer be a burden". Those people don't think they're solving anything, they think they're making the best of a bad situation. Most of them know that they're leaving a mess to be untangled, but they think it's preferable to the mess that currently exists.

Temporary
I've addressed basically half the problem of "temporary" in my quoted post above, but I focused on very clearly and definitively not-temporary examples (physical and mental illness) to make the point obvious. There's another side to it, the semi-"temporary". I'll give a few examples.

A woman, in a stable, love, and committed relationship, becomes happily pregnant. About 6.5 months along, things go horribly wrong and she loses the baby. The pain that she feels will dull with time. She may later have a healthy pregnancy culminating in a live birth. The misery she feels in the days immediately following the miscarriage will not be with her for every moment of her life. In that sense, yes, the pain is "temporary". But will a part of her always mourn that lost child? Absolutely. If she gets pregnant again, will she feel a new anxiety and pain because of her previous loss? Probably. If she does not get pregnant, or not for some time, will she hurt when she sees pregnant women or small children? Likely. What she's gone through is in that sense not temporary at all.

Take another example. A woman is mugged and raped. In time her physical wounds will heal. But emotionally it will always be with her in one way or another. I remember a woman once saying at the crisis center "everyone talks about becoming a survivor instead of a victim, about rising above it, about teaching people, all that shit. I don't want to be a rape survivor any more than I want to be a rape victim. I don't want to be empowered through taking back control. I just want it not to have happened." I understand where she was coming from. For both the bad and the good, for the rest of my life I'm a women who was raped, and there's no undoing that. Using it to try to do good is like a consolation prize in some ways.

In something like a break-up, which some people will say is "not worth killing yourself over", as if it's somehow unimportant (asshats), are you ever again going to be the same person you were before it happened? No, that's not how human beings work. I've heard "I know I'll find someone else. I know it'll get better. I get that it'll probably turn out for the best. I don't care. I don't want any of that. I don't want happy tomorrows or wonderful future Mr Rights. I want yesterday back." That change, from "yesterday", cannot be undone. It's not temporary.

Problem
Many people who contemplate suicide do so not because of a problem. Sometimes a new situation or event will be the one that pushes them past their breaking point, but the kid who fails a test doesn't kill themselves over an F at the top of a paper. Suicide in general comes from despair (sometimes it comes from apathy or boredom, which is something I'm not qualified to speak about much because it's a perspective that I have such a hard time understanding, though I do try to be empathetic), and despair isn't caused by a problem. The depressed person who suffers through every moment of every day doesn't look to death because they can't keep their apartment clean. It's because of the pervasive feeling of emptiness or pain of life generally.

I often think that much of the population has no idea how hard and how painful it can be just to live sometimes. How it can emotionally hurt simply to draw breath.

Upcoming once my hands rest a bit: Part 2: well, if this isn't going to go away, why shouldn't I kill myself? and Part 3: so what is the right thing to say to someone who wants to die?

Tarot

2010-05-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

I've turned to the tarot off and on since I got my first deck (my only constant, the deck I still use--the well-known Rider Waite) in 1992. I'll have a little tangent here and mention that I'm not entirely satisfied with the Rider Waite, I've stuck with it because it at least holds familiarity and is standard. Some decks forgo usefulness in their desire to be artistic. That is not what I want.

I've done readings for other people, and I'm hesitantly willing to do them still, but it's not using the cards the way I prefer. I can give an exceptionally good cold read for which the cards are merely props, which disinclines me from true readings. I also prefer to avoid reading for either extreme: those who think tarot is crap/blasphemy, and those who think tarot is psychic divination.

No, the way I use the cards is to give myself a view of myself that I'm missing. I turn over a card, and my immediate response to that card is an insight into what's going on inside my head. For example, the Fool, shown here in an image from The Gilded Tarot. A Major Arcana card, alternately numbered zero or more rarely 22. Here are two authors' different divinatory meanings of the card:

“It signifies the journey outward, the state of the first emanation, the graces and passivity of the spirit. The Fool's wallet is inscribed with dim signs, to show that many subconscious memories are stored up in the soul...Folly, mania, extravagance, intoxication, delirium, frenzy, bewrayment. Reversed: negligence, absence, distribution, carelessness, apathy, nullity, vanity” ¹

...and...

“This is the card likely to turn up when a Querent is thinking of investing his money in a new, 'sure fire' business. Or when the Querent is sure that it's 'love this time!' Like the Fool, they're so busy daydreaming of what might be that they're ignoring what is. They're about to fall right off a cliff. It's time for them to listen to that watchful little dog, which might be a concerned friend, a wise tarot reader, or just their instincts. As a card, the Fool ultimately stands for a new start. When it turns up the Querent might be about to make a move, not just to a new home, but new job, new life. There's more than just change, renewal, and a brand new beginning in the Fool, there's also movement, a fresh, exciting new time.” ²

When I turned it over last night, my immediate gut response to it was a focus on both “a feeling of helplessness in the face of problems” and “a fresh start in a new direction”³, which confirms my conflicted feelings over the upcoming move, as well as current health challenges.

That is not fortune telling, that is a tool for reading my own responses. In every card I will instinctively select that portion of the symbolism that is useful to me, and discard the rest. In this way it is similar to the old Rorschach inkblot tests. There is no mystic psychic powers inherent in the inkblots, they are always constant. It is the viewer who gives them their meaning, based on what's happening internally for them at the moment they are viewed.

1: The Key to the Tarot by A.E. Waite ISBN 0712658513
2: http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/fool.shtml
3: Predicting Your Future by Selene ISBN0831767766

Preparing for Disaster--Knitting Disaster

2010-05-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

I live with the certainty that whatever project I am the most pleased with will get a hole or a flaw, whether after the first use or the fiftieth. While this is to be expected to some extent, I'm not willing to say "ok, I've gotten three wears out of these socks, they have a gaping tear in them, time to go into the trash".

So whenever I finish a project, I take part of the remaining yarn (how much is a judgment call based on yarn weight and project type. Could be 10yards, could be 50yards. Also depends on how much yarn I have.) and stick it into an envelope with the skein label. I write on the outside of the envelope the yarn details (in case the label falls out someday), how much yarn is inside, and which project I used it for. And then that yarn goes into a space completely separate from my stash. It's not available for making mini-squares or for crafts or toys or anything. It is only available for repairing any future problems.

What I would like to do is get one of these. I know they're really for holding circular needles, but it would be a convenient way of storing the yarn, and instead of an envelope, I'd put a slip of paper with the information into each pocket with the yarn in question. However, for $20 for just the binder with only six pockets, it just isn't worth it. I'm keeping my eyes open at office supply stores, though. The binder part is easy, just takes a day planner style (I even have an old one I don't use anymore that would work). It's the pocket pages that are a challenge.

A Gift

2010-05-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

For Patience Ann and Louise:

Flame Off

2010-04-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally figured it out (yes, I'm slow). A lot of the posts that I put immediately onto ignore in LSG, the ones that get unofficially rubbernecked via Twitter-bashing, the ones that (possibly, I'm not a member so I don't read there) get officially rubbernecked by the Rubberneckers group, the ones that get flagged and eventually locked and archived? I've finally figured out where they come from.

All of those threads properly belong in BID. They are “big issues” and the thread turns into a debate. Since they don't start out as support/advice threads that get turned, they don't get sent to Neverneverland, and they aren't started there because most of the board is aware that practically nobody ever reads in NNL, so to post something there means not getting feedback, input, or--more importantly in most cases--attention. So if they belong in BID, why are they posted in LSG?

Because the original poster doesn't want to debate. They want to be told they're right. They want to work up a group, to have other people support them in their indignation, to increase the number of people who vocalize the same feelings that they're having. And they think that LSG is a hive mind. They think that because they feel a certain way, that all of LSG will feel that same way. There's an ongoing common misconception that LSG is liberal, democrat (or the closest non-US equivalent, though I think often members forget that the group is not exclusively American), pro-choice, pro-LGBT rights, anti-death penalty, pro-marijuana legalization, pro-sexual openness (poly/bdsm/etc), pro-organic food choices, in agreement with evolution, believes in global warming, and all the rest. The truth is, as I said in a post 5 months ago, LSG is not one single thing. And even if you fall into all the same categories that the vocal majority do, your opinion on specific issues or events may be completely asinine to those same people.

So someone begins a thread on a big issue, thinking that they're posting within a group of people who support their own side. To them, that's not a debate. It's not even really a conversation or a discussion, if we're to be truthful about it, it's a speech at a convention of like-minded souls gathered for the purpose of agreeing with each other and making each other feel good about whatever they already believe. Maybe the first people who respond are people who agree with them. They get a lot of support. The supporting posters start working each other up even further. They start making more blanket statements, more emphatically. They have seen that they're among people who finally “get it”, who are “with them” on this one. They forget the huge number of non-posting readers at the top of the thread because obviously everyone agrees. They begin making sweeping generalizations. They descend into insults or mocking to describe the people who don't agree with them. And the people who never agreed but could have let it go before that point can't take it anymore. The people who agreed with some aspects but not others can't take it anymore. The people who agree with most of what's said but feel the ways the opinions are being expressed are wrong can't take it anymore.

And suddenly it's BIDing. It's BIDing with unkindness and personal disregard added. It's BIDing on a board that is not built for BIDing in, and so there are no rules specifically covering how to debate or discuss those issues when they do come up. It's BIDing where for many people the intent is not to get someone to see their side, it's to get that someone to leave the group. Add to that the behind-the-scenes mob groups who use off-Rav options to work each other up against individuals and then come back to the thread armed with more anger, more self-righteousness, and more details than they would have had if they'd posted only on their own behalf from the start. Also add to it the fact that some participants in the thread still are under the impression that they're 'among family' and can safely say what they like and they'll be given the benefit of the doubt if they express themselves badly or are un- or under-informed (or simply wrong).

It's a good thing I don't make the rules because I don't think the threads should be allowed at all. If you want to discuss a big issue, then do it in a group created for that purpose. The only differences between posting in BID and posting in LSG is 1) the poster feels they 'know' more of the members of LSG so they want those specific participants (which makes NNL a fine place to post it), and 2) the poster thinks they'll be backed up in LSG more than in BID. I don't think either reason is sufficient. All those threads should be moved to NNL. Not when they start to get out of control, but when they are started.

Backwards Join

2010-04-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

I love to knit socks. If I had to choose one project and one type of yarn and stick with them forever, I'd pick sock yarn and make pair after pair. At the moment, I'm finishing up a pair of fingerless gloves for my sweetheart. Both of these sorts of projects often involve cutting your working yarn at one point and joining it at another. For the fingerless gloves, for example, as soon as I've knit up each finger, I bind off, cut the yarn, and have to join the ball to start the next finger.

Back when I worked at the LYS I found that less confident knitters often had difficulties with joining the ball to an existing corner like that, because it meant managing several dpns and the working yarn, and keeping a tight hold on the new tail to keep the first stitch tight. Obviously one can always give a little tug on the tail at the end of the round in order to re-tighten it, but that also changes the positioning of the stitch slightly, and can create weird tension that can be visible on the finished product. If I'm joining a new ball to a flat project, or to a larger one (like my CPH), I often knit the first row then hold the tail with the working yarn and just knit it into the garment. One less tail to weave in later, and it's held very securely, unlikely to work itself loose. But that's not practical for smaller gauge projects because of the bulk/bump it creates, and it's not helpful for knitting in the round because it still leaves the tail to be held tight while also managing several other things when first joining.

Here's a photo of the fingerless gloves I'm finishing. The yellow X is basically where the yarn will be joined, between the orange circled stitch and the red circled stitch. The red circled stitch is the first stitch that will actually be worked once the yarn is joined.

Now, thread the working yarn onto a tapestry needle (I'm using contrasting yarn for the photo to make it clearer). Starting with the orange circled stitch, thread the yarn through from left to right.

Pull through several inches of yarn, enough to easily weave in later. This technique will not get rid of the tail, it's just to secure the working yarn and keep even tension in your work. Move on to the stitch next to the orange circled stitch on the same needle, and this time thread through from right to left. Finally go to the next stitch on the same needle, and thread through from left to right. I've turned the project around to make it clearer how the yarn will look once this has been done:

In that final picture above, the yarn hanging off to the left is the tail end, and the yarn that you can't see because it's tucked behind the glove is the working yarn attached to the ball. Remove the tapestry needle, let the tail hang inside the glove, go ahead and knit the original red circled stitch with the working yarn, and continue the project as instructed.

Hobo Code

2010-04-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

Came across this tonight and found it quite interesting:

1.-Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you.

2.-When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times.

3.-Don't take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos.

4.-Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.

5.-When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts.

6.-Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals treatment of other hobos.

7.-When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you.

8.-Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling.

9.-If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help.

10.-Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible.

11.-When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member.

12.-Do not cause problems in a train yard, another hobo will be coming along who will need passage thru that yard.

13.-Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose to authorities all molesters, they are the worst garbage to infest any society.

14.-Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home.

15.-Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday.

16.-If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it, whether for or against the accused, your voice counts!

Note: per Wikipedia, in a section with no sources so I can't verify, "jungle" is an area off a railroad where hobos camp and congregate.

Really, it's a pretty good set of ethics to be travelling with.

(As inscribed in the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America held on August 8, 1894 at the Hotel Alden, 917 Market St., Chicago Illinois) (taken from this site)

Apologizing On the Internet

2010-03-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

(Most of this applies the same way to the offline world, but the focus here is the internet)

If you find yourself saying any of the following, be aware that you are not apologizing and are likely to dig yourself in even deeper than you already were:

I said I was sorry! (ah, but go back and look. Did you really? Or did you say one of the other items on this list?)
How many times do I have to apologize? (at least once. Try it, see what happens)
I'm not going to sit here and apologize over and over
I don't have to explain myself to you
You don't know me
My friends understand me perfectly well and they would know that's not what I meant
You're taking my words out of context
Fine, then, I'm fucking sorry, are you happy now?
I'm sorry that you misunderstood
I'm sorry you didn't read me properly
My bad
Whoops
Obviously I'm just the worst person in the world
I wouldn't have said/done it if I'd known you would get so upset
Why don't we both just say we're sorry and move on?
How about we get over ourselves and forget it?
Obviously I'm sorry, since you've got me sitting here sobbing now
Can't you take a joke?
I'm sorry but it's over now so can we just let it go?
I'm sorry you didn't think it was as funny as we did
I give up

Real apology:

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry, what I said/did was not ok
I didn't think it all the way through and I'm sorry
I should not have said that, I apologize
Please forgive me
I understand now that my words/actions were inappropriate/hurtful and I apologize
I'd never realized until you told me and I'm so sorry that I've done something hurtful
I now understand that what I did/said made you/people feel _____ and I wish I could undo it. I'm sorry and won't do it again, I hope you/everyone can feel better about it soon and forgive me.

If what you've typed more closely resembles the first list than the second, don't even post it. You might as well type "I still think I'm right and you can all fuck right off". Everyone who reads it will know that's what you mean and they'll respond in kind.

T-Mobile BAD Business Practices

2010-03-20T02:13:00.001-07:00

For those who have heard about my internet struggles over the past few months, here are the details. I had waited to make them public in hopes that T-Mobile would do the right thing and fix their mistakes, but they clearly are not going to be doing that, so here it is as fair warning!

(Specific location info redacted for my own privacy, store manager's name redacted because it's not my intention that he be ripped to shreds online)

On October 23, 2009, I visited the T-Mobile Wireless retail store located at [redacted]. The gentleman who stepped forward to assist me was L---- J-----, store manager. I asked if his store carried USB wireless connect data sticks, was told that they did, and taken to the front counter to start the process. I should note that I had been told by a family member that it was possible to run the internet on a computer through a cell phone SIM card, and had first gone to the T-Mobile authorized retailer located [redacted] to ask if they offered that. The store clerks at that location gave me the name that the equipment is known by at T-Mobile, but explained that it was not available through their store, which led me to T-Mobile store[#]. I was not in any other way acquainted with the hardware or data plan options.

I explained to Mr J that while I was already on a T-Mobile cellular plan, it was a Flex Pay plan, as—due to extensive medical bills—I have poor credit. I was told that Web Connect plans cannot be done via Flex Pay, but that having been a T-Mobile customer for quite some time, my credit standing with them may have improved enough for me to be able to get the Web Connect on a regular plan, and he set to work to find out. Mr J pulled up my information in his system and contacted T-Mobile customer service by phone. The next portion of my visit to the store was frustrating and long. The CSR on the phone seemed to have repeated difficulties in understanding what Mr J was asking him to check and to do. He confirmed that, having had my Flex Pay account for almost 2 years, I was eligible for the Web Connect plan, though my cellular plan was not yet eligible to be switched to a regular plan until I had reached that 2 year point (just a few months ahead). It's possible that the CSR didn't know how to add a separate regular Web Connect plan to a customer who had a Flex Pay cellular plan, I don't know what the problem was. I know only that I was in that store for quite a long time, and that Mr J appeared to be as frustrated about it as I was. The store was quite busy, at times having up to 8 other customers waiting for assistance, so several times Mr J had me hold the phone receiver while the CSR had us on hold, so that he could help other customers. He also needed to step away into the store's back office several times, and once had to provide his keys to the district manager, who had been on-site and was just leaving.

During the course of this extensive wait and occasional re-explanation to the CSR on the phone when he took Mr J off of hold, Mr J and I made general small-talk on several subjects. Some were things such as local tattoo artists, but most were directly related to T-Mobile. I described my previous, less pleasant, experiences at the other T-Mobile location in town, and he told me that was probably related to the fact that the other location was an authorized retailer, while this store was an official T-Mobile store. We discussed how long his store had been in that location, and the pros and cons of the commercial center that it was in, as well as how I'd come to discover that the store was there. Finally the CSR managed to set everything up, and Mr J produced the contract paperwork and the hardware, so that I could take my leave. Throughout the time that I was in his store, Mr J referred to the Web Connect plan only as being “unlimited”. He never intimated that there were multiple plans to choose between, or asked me what amount of time I expected to be on the internet, etc. The difference between wi-fi and broadband was explained to me only in the sense that, to paraphrase: “when there's no available wi-fi to connect to, the USB data stick will connect to broadband via the regular T-Mobile cellular signal that is used for making calls. It is not as fast as wi-fi.” I can provide the contract I signed, where there's a space that would alert and explain to me the amount of any future overage charges. That space is blank, which only made sense, as I was signing up, as I thought, for an unlimited plan, which meant there would be no overage charges, because no overages possible. As a matter of fact, the only portion of the contract that Mr J filled out was my SIM card number, my name, and my monthly billing amount ($49). The remainder of the contract is empty.

Immediately upon returning home, I connected the USB data stick, added the T-Mobile Web Connect Manager to my desktop, and got online, using the broadband connection as it was all that was available. Because I deal with several chronic illnesses, and am currently on a medical leave from my job while I try to improve my health, I spend much of my time on bedrest, which makes the internet a lifeline for me. It is not unusual for me to spend 18 hours or more connected to the internet in a day, and the vast majority of that time I will be actively using the connection for research, social networking, etc. I have a wireless router in my home, so if there were any open wireless signals in my neighborhood I wouldn't need to have a T-Mobile Wireless Connect plan, as I could access them without the help of the data stick. I knew that I would be using almost exclusively the broadband network to access the internet.

On December 5, 2009, I received the following text message via my USB data stick: “As of 12/05/09 08:56 AM you have passed your 5.0GB limit. Overage is charged at $0.20 per MB.” I immediately called 611, which was the first time I was told that my plan was not, in fact, unlimited. I told the CSR that I simply would not have signed up for the plan if anyone had told me there was a limit to it, because I'm aware that I use the internet quite a bit more than the average household. The CSR looked at my account in his system and told me that the reason I had gone over my limit and had overage charges was that this first billing cycle had been longer than a regular one month cycle. It had included the end of October, all of November, and the beginning of December. He told me that the 5GB data limit was “essentially unlimited” because 5GB was such a large amount, and that I surely would not go over that amount in a regular one month billing cycle. As my working life has been spent in law enforcement, not in any technology field, I have no knowledge of how much data is used for different internet activities. I assumed the CSR was right, as it was, after all, his job. I was still very put out by not having had it explained to me that the plan was not truly unlimited, but the CSR told me that if I wanted to discuss it further I would need to do so in person with Mr J in his store. As I was not physically well, I decided that it wasn't necessary for me to drive down to the store. After all, I'd been reassured by the CSR that the issue would not repeat itself, and I assumed that it was a simple oversight on Mr J's part, not an intentional attempt to increase revenue for the company, therefore driving to the store to register my disappointment seemed somewhat petty.

In January, I again received a text message via my USB data stick: “As of 01/05/10 06:59 PM you have passed your 5.0GB limit.” I continued to use the internet for a short time on the evening of January 5th after 7pm, but probably around 10% of what I would have done normally. I knew that my billing cycle was about to end, and decided that I could afford one or two dollars of overages, since the text message, like that in December, explained that the overage charge was $0.20 per MB, and from what the CSR on 611 had told me in December, I surely wouldn't use very many MB of data in those last few hours before the end of my billing cycle. In the morning, when I went to connect to the internet, I received an error message: “Error 619: A connection to the remote computer could not be established, so the port used for this connection was closed. For further assistance, click More Info or search Help and Support Center for this error number.” I think it's important to note that there is no “More Info” to click, just an “ok” box, and a search on the Web Connect Help finds nothing when I search for “619”. If the referenced Help and Support Center is not the Web Connect Manager Help, but a Help page on the T-Mobile website, it should be obvious that I can't access the website to search for that error number when the error is keeping me from connecting to the internet. Regardless, I had gotten this error message before, and each time it meant unplugging the USB data stick, waiting 15-30 seconds, and either plugging it back into the USB port, or into another USB port. I assumed this was the same problem, whatever that problem was, but after over an hour of not being able to connect at all, I called 611, thinking it was a hardware or network problem.

My call to 611 was overly complicated by the fact that I was calling from my cell phone (my only phone, I do not have a landline), which meant I was repeatedly routed to CSRs who were in the Flex Pay area, who would then need to transfer me to “someone else”. I was informed fairly quickly that “error 619” means that my account balance is too high, though no one ever explained how I was expected to know this, or why I had gotten that error message multiple times a week every week since signing up for my Web Connect plan. The CSR that spoke with me the longest in that call told me that my balance was in excess of $300 due to overage charges. I was, frankly, infuriated by this. There was no way that I had used $300 worth of data between the time I received the text message telling me I'd reached my limit, and turning off the computer less than 2 hours later. The CSR told me that despite the wording of the text message (As of 01/05/10 06:59 PM you have passed your 5.0GB limit), the message was not sent at the time that I reached my limit, and that the date and time given had no relation to when I had actually reached my limit. He told me that “it's not like the messages are sent immediately when you go over”, despite the fact that it's an automated computer system which would be easily capable of doing exactly that, and the fact that the text message is phrased in such a way to carefully imply exactly that. The CSR said that he was unable to view detailed data usage on his system, then insisted on telling me how many megabytes I had used in the billing cycle during peak hours and separately during off-peak hours, though that information was not useful to either of us, as peak vs off-peak does not have any effect on the billing. He had to add up those numbers by hand to get my total data usage, but then was forced to put me on hold while he asked someone else for help, because he couldn't do the conversions to determine how much I had gone over by. Even once he could tell how much I'd gone over by, he still said that his system wouldn't show him when it had been, which meant that I couldn't even confirm that I was being charged for my actual usage, as opposed to having been victim to a system error. He also told me at one point that the reason I'd been given incorrect information at the time I'd signed up for the plan in person was that I was not at an official T-Mobile retail store, but at an authorized retailer. He even provided me with the business name, Vista Wireless, but once I told him that the store manager and I had specifically discussed the fact that the store was an official store, and that I had the manager's business card in my hand showing that it was an official store, he changed his mind and said that I was right, though he didn't explain where he'd come up with the supposed name of that business—which is not the name of the authorized retailer in town that I have patronized for making payments in the past.

The CSR said that there was nothing he could do for me, and transferred me to someone who could arrange a payment plan for me. This new CSR, I believe the ninth I'd spoken to since the start of my call to 611, told me that the only option I had was to pay approximately $100 the following week, another $100 the week after, and the remaining balance (just over $100) the week following that. That there was no smaller payment I could make, that it could not be spread over a larger time period, that was the only way they could help me. I explained to her that it simply was not possible for me to pay anything like that, that I'm on a reduced fixed income while on medical leave, and $300 being six times the amount I'd budgeted for a full month of internet, based on my contract, there was no way for me to come up with it in 3 weeks, even if I'd been inclined to feel that I was being properly billed. She did admit that if I paid $10 or so each week, it would keep my account from going into full suspension, negatively affecting my credit and keeping me from being able to get it turned back on at any point. But she made it very clear that any payment less than $100 within the next week would not be considered to be following the payment plan. I also mentioned that, being on paperless billing for both my internet and cellular plans, I wouldn't be able to view any of the details because, obviously, my internet access was shut off. She transferred me to yet another CSR to have my billing switched back to a paper bill by mail. I ended the call knowing that I was not going to pay $100 the following week, but since I had been told firmly that there was nothing else that could be done for me, it seemed useless to continue to argue with the 611 CSRs.

Over the next few days I spoke to CSRs via 611 several times trying to work out mobile internet. I was told that if I added unlimited internet access to my cellular plan, I'd be able to put that SIM card into my USB data stick and access the internet, so I added that to my cellular plan. It wasn't until afterward that I discovered that simply wasn't true. I could access certain specific web pages, most connected in some way to T-Mobile, but could not even access the My T-Mobile page or log into my account in order to try to view the details of my data usage. Every time I attempted to log into the T-Mobile website I received an error page stating that I needed a Web Connect data plan to view that page. One page I was able to view was that which explained the 3 Web Connect plans available. One was a smaller plan, the cheapest, which had I believe 3GB of available data per month. One, the most expensive, which was also the same monthly cost as my plan, was this 5GB that I had apparently been signed up for. But the third, $10 less expensive than what I had been signed up for, was listed as having unlimited data per month. This third, less expensive, unlimited option was exactly what I had been under the impression I was being signed up for in the first place. In the end I gave up and drove to the retail store to discuss it in person with Mr J. I had delayed doing so because my health had become more fragile, and for me to drive anywhere was difficult for me.

Fortunately, upon arriving at the store Monday, January 11th, I discovered that it was a day that Mr J was working. He said that he remembered me from October, and showed that that was the case by mentioning the Web Connect plan, etc. I explained the entire problem to him, and he confirmed that the plan had been sold to me as an unlimited plan. He ventured a guess that the CSR had mistakenly signed me up for the 5GB plan when it should have been the unlimited plan, and politely referred to the trouble he'd had getting the CSR to process my sign-up properly. Mr J told me that he would contact 611 himself to see if they would fix things, but that he had little hope for that course. His assumption, he said, was that he would need to go through his district manager, and have her approve getting the overage charges removed and getting me onto the proper unlimited plan. He explained that he expected it would take the remainder of that afternoon and likely into the next day to get everything resolved, so obviously it was no good my waiting in the store. He very specifically told me not to deal with 611 any further. He said that in future if I had a hardware problem or needed to make a cellular payment or something like that, to feel free to call 611, but that for anything else I should come into his store in person to get it taken care of. He took my cell number as well as the information for my Web Connect SIM, and promised to call me when it was all fixed.

I did not hear from Mr J that day, or the next day. I did not hear from him for the remainder of the week. I called on Thursday the 14th, thinking that I was allowing quite a bit of extra time for a task he'd estimated would take a day and a half. Mr J told me that he had not forgotten about my issue, and that it was going to be his “morning project” for the following day. I did not hear from him the following day. I called the store several times over the next few weeks, usually being unfortunate with my timing and calling when Mr J was either on his day off or on a shift that started after or ended before my call. During one call, a female store clerk told me that she would check with the other store manager and see if they had any information on my issue, and that she would call me back “either way, by the end of the day”. She took my name and number, but nobody ever called me back. The following day when I was able to reach Mr J by phone at the store, he told me that he'd had a “vague and unclear note” with my name on it when he'd arrived that morning, which appeared to be the only result of my call the previous night. Again I was reassured that Mr J was working to resolve the problem, and I was given no update on what had been done or whether there was some additional issue that needed to be addressed. I went to the store in person, though it's physically hard on me, on more than one occasion. Once Mr J was on his day off, and when I asked when he would be in next I was told that “someone's made off with the schedule” so they didn't know. That same visit I was told that the store clerk would check with the other managers. I remarked that I'd heard that before and he took my name and number yet again. Once the store clerk that stepped up when I came in said that Mr J was present but not available. I explained that he had been supposed to have been working on something for me but that it had been several weeks and I'd still heard nothing. The clerk went into the back office and returned shortly afterward, telling me “L---- is actually on a conference call right now taking care of your problem, so he can't come out, and the call will take quite some time”. Still, my problem was not taken care of, and Mr J never tried to contact me. I even attempted to get some help from the T-Mobile Twitter account by texting a series of tweets from my cell phone, as they sometimes assist people who send them an @reply explaining their problem, but received no acknowledgment there.

Finally I decided I had had enough. More than a month had passed without my being able to access the internet. T-Mobile had been making constant collections calls and were sending negative reports to my credit rating, though I hadn't spoken to them because the CSRs at 611 had been very firm in that there was nothing they could do for me, and Mr J had specifically told me not to talk to customer service on the subject. On Saturday, February 20th, I went back to the store and asked for contact information for the district manager. I explained why I wanted it, and that I felt it was only fair to give her advance notice of what was going on before I brought in a third party to advocate for me. The retail clerk said that she didn't have that information, and spoke to someone in a supervisory capacity at that store via phone. The person on the other end of the phone (I had the impression that they were present in the store in the back office, but that was only my impression, they may have been off-site) said that they could not give out contact information for the district manager, despite the fact that what I was asking for was her name and work email address, not her personal information. She told the retail clerk that I could go online to the T-Mobile website and explained where I could get the information I needed. I reminded the retail clerk that, no, I could not go online to the T-Mobile website, because I didn't have internet access. She went to the website herself on a store computer, and then called the other person again to say that she'd gone to the place they'd instructed and that the only information available on the website was for general customer service. In the end, they did provide me with an email address: [redacted] and told me that any email sent to that address would be routed to all the store managers as well as the district manager, though they still declined to tell me her name.

I've spent the days since arranging all my paperwork and drafting this description of the events so that I can again get out of bed and drive, this time to the local Starbucks, where I can use their free AT&T Wi-Fi to send this email.

I expect T-Mobile to dismiss the outstanding charges on my Web Connect account, remove their negative reporting on my credit rating, fix my plan so that it's the unlimited plan that I was told I was getting in the first place (for which I will pay the regular monthly charge of $39 as advertised on the T-Mobile website), and to apologize for the ignorance, mistakes, and in some cases flat lies to which I've been subject over the past month and a half. [following was all my various contact information]
___________________________
I sent the above to the T-Mobile store email address that I was able to wrangle out of them back on 2/26/10. I still have not heard anything, my email has not been acknowledged, I receive multiple daily collections calls from the company, and I do not have internet access.

Judgment at Third Hand

2010-03-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have a real problem with a trend I've been seeing in lsg lately. It didn't originate there, it won't end there, but that's where I've been seeing it the most recently. Not long ago I made the point that forums/messageboards are structured for the purpose of judging people, because the word "judgment" is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just what we're asking for in those places. When I post a picture of a knitting project, knowing that it has a small error, and asking whether it's visible enough to others for me to need to go back and fix it (I rarely ask that because I like to decide it myself, it's just an example), I'm asking people to judge my work, judge the visual effect, etc. All the "is this appropriate/necessary/kind/worth it/etc" threads are asking for a judgment call. And even in venting threads, when the OP doesn't want advice or suggestions, judgment is still necessary. First the reader has to judge whether they support the OP and/or their position, because if they don't they need to stay out of the thread. Then they have to judge where the OP needs any support they're going to give, what aspect, where is the sticky point, etc.

So this post is not about how judgment is bad or wrong or shouldn't happen. When people choose to share aspects of themselves or their lives online, it's necessary; though incorrect judgments are often made, as well as snap judgments, cruel judgments, and instances where it's the action or situation that should be judged, but instead it's the person who takes the brunt. People who are in the public eye also take a lot of judgment (celebrities, politicians, etc), and that is as it should be, despite the fact that much of that judgment is inaccurate and unkind, because it's important not to deify our public figures and to encourage transparency in their lives.

So I've covered two sorts of people who do and should get appropriately judged. Those who choose to put specific parts of their life up for our consumption (those of us who participate in blogs/forums/etc), and those who choose to put all of their life up for our consumption (by buying into fame of some sort).

What about those who choose to do neither?

To use an example from my own life (no details because I don't have her permission to share this stuff online): my friend was having some marital problems. I disliked her husband very much for pretty much the entirety of their relationship, and felt he treated her poorly. It got to the point where I was both enraged by the way he was acting and starting to wonder if my own perspective was skewed by my existing dislike of him. An uninvolved third party seemed necessary for me, so that I could vent my anger and sadness instead of adding it on top of my friend's stress, and so that I could say "look, am I blowing this way out of proportion, or is this not ok?". So I talked to a single individual: my mom. Someone whose judgment I know and trust, whose discretion I can trust, and who, though she wasn't involved in any way, at least knew enough of the background and the personalities involved from her own perspective that she would understand the whole thing instead of just my viewpoint (since my viewpoint was part of what I was hoping to check).

I feel very strongly that for me to put my friend's personal life on the internet and ask people to weigh in on it would be wrong. It would make me a bad friend. It would be betraying her trust, even though these things were not secrets. As it happened, my friend belonged to a messageboard herself at that time, one that I was not a part of because it was nothing I related to, and I know that she shared some of what was going on in that forum. That was her right to do so. I also know that there was a lot that went on that she did not share with her friends on that forum, despite the fact that she'd been in close contact with those ladies for over a year. I don't know whether she felt that stuff was too trivial, too personal, if she thought she'd come across badly or that he would and she wanted to protect him, whatever. It doesn't matter, it's not my place to make those choices for her. She chose what information she wanted to share with only two or three of us who were close to her and what she wanted to share with those who knew her less well and what she was ok with everybody knowing. I had no right to make that choice for her or to undermine her choice with my actions.

There are times that it's necessary to provide personal info on another person in order to get advice for yourself. Say your brother is newly diagnosed schizophrenic and will be moving into your home temporarily while the nearby care home makes room and processes his paperwork. Then I think you do have a limited right to put some of your brother's personal life out there for people to judge, in order to help you with the parts that directly affect you. Because saying "I have a schizophrenic relative who will be living with me for 3 weeks, how do I maintain my household rules, my own stability, and my children's emotional security?" is not enough. Schizophrenia is a disorder that manifests itself in many different ways, so not one piece of advice can fit all situations. In that scenario I still think that the internet is not the appropriate place for the question, it should be taken to the brother's clinicians and the intake/social worker at the care home, but I understand the emotional need (including fear) for immediate answers from people who 'know' you, as opposed to waiting for a return call from a stranger.

I will never, however, be able to condone putting someone else's life online for strangers to weigh in on, especially when it's a matter of "agree with me about how much of a douchebag ______ is being!" (friend's husband, sister's girlfriend, etc) Those are personal things that you know about because you are close to the person you're talking about. Do they want random strangers to tear into their husband/girlfriend/child/parent/etc? Is there more to the story that you don't know or haven't had time to share? Would it cause them pain to hear that dozens of people are judging their relationship and finding it wrong, lacking, dysfunctional, etc? It is not your right.

Nor is it our right as readers to weigh in when we see those things. It's tempting, and I don't always manage to stop myself from replying, but I shouldn't. The original post is not my error, it's that of the person who posted it. But once I respond with an opinion or advice or anything other than a general post that summarizes what I've said here, I've compounded what the OP has done by making my own mistake. I've taken it onto myself, and I've also encouraged others to continue these mistakes in the future. By offering an opinion I tell people not only that it's ok to share things of that sort themselves because people will respond, but I tell people that it's ok to respond themselves when they see that sort of post.

There is already way too much standing in self-righteous judgment where those judging come only from a place of feeling superior. At least when the OP is speaking about themselves they have the ability to respond with clarifications, further information, and self-defense. When the person in question is not present or aware that they're being discussed, it's not support even if you're saying that person was treated badly, it's a dogpile. And it's just not ok! I get to determine my boundaries. You get to determine yours. Neither of us gets to determine other people's.

My Name is Not Heloise

2010-03-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

But boy do I love Hints! Tips, tricks, hints, secrets, suggestions, I collect 'em. Even if it's a trick I don't have any use for, I keep it in case years later I might pick up the hobby or whatever. So! I am posting some random things that I've found to be successful.

Save herb and spice jars when empty--good for storing seeds that have been saved from the crop, and can be used to shake those seeds out in neat rows for planting.
Similarly, large salt and pepper shakers can make good seed dispensers.
Plastic milk jugs make good slow waterers. Poke a small hole in the bottom, place in the garden bed, and fill with water. The water will leak out the hole slowly so that the soil isn't immediately saturated. (Also 2 liter soda bottles)
Cardboard milk cartons and cardboard ice cream cartons are good for transplanting. Cut off the top, add soil and seed/seedling, and when it's time to plant outside the carton can go directly into the ground.
Old slats from mini-blinds that are being tossed can be cut and used as planting markers. Label with a Sharpie and stick directly into the soil.
If you plant an area with spring-blooming bulbs (daffodils, crocuses, etc), you may find a spot where a plant is missing. Press a small tuna can, upside down with the bottom intact, into the soil. The grass underneath will die and it will be a reminder to plant another bulb to fill the space come fall.
In February I start saving banana peels in a bag in the freezer. At planting time, dig a ditch a few inches deeper than required, lay the peels end to end, cover them with dirt, then plant tomatoes as usual. The vines are often longer and the fruit very sweet.
Before beginning any gardening or automotive work, scrape your fingernails on a bar of soap. It'll keep grease and dirt from getting under your nails.
Adding frozen grapes to a large bowl of punch will keep it cold while adding colour and won't water down the flavour.
If you're going to do seed saving from your crops, cleaned out plastic containers are very important, especially for things like tomatoes. Cream cheese tubs, yogurt containers, etc, are all sturdy and will hold the seeds and water for several days without collapsing.

Adventures in Customer Service

2010-03-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

I've been having over a month worth of fighting with T-Mobile to get them to fix their own mistake, and so far no luck. That story is horribly long, so it's for another time. This is about my PayPal fun.

I've never had any reason to complain about PayPal before, but right now they're driving me nucking futs. First I have to explain a little background. I opened my PayPal account in mid-2002, when I lived in Northern California. I lived at Address A, had phone number 1, and bank account I. I rarely used the account, I think I bought two things from ebay with it over the next several years and that was it. At that time I was moving more often even than I do now. By 2007, when I was knitting more (thus wanting to use PayPal to buy yarn and patterns) and when I had a big ticket item I wanted to list on ebay, I'd had 6 or 7 addresses since last using the account, I'd changed bank accounts twice, and changed my phone number 6 times. I went to log into my PayPal account one day, feeling confident because I'd always used variations of the same basic password... but I couldn't get in. I don't know what my password could possibly have been, but it was not at all what I would have expected it to be. I tried the “I don't know my password” link, but was stymied. Eventually I gave up and opened a new PayPal account from a different email address. I wasn't happy about it, because it meant using an email address that I keep restricted to family and very close friends, and where I don't keep any of my business emails, but it seemed the only thing to do.

Recently I was paid for a sample knit I'd done, but the company did not ask how I'd like to be paid. They assumed I wanted the money via PayPal not check, and they assumed that the email address they had for me was attached to a PayPal account. They sent my payment to the PayPal address I can't get into. Because it took so long to get the company to pay me in the first place, I didn't want to push my luck by asking them to cancel the payment and re-send to the right account. I might never see the money if I did that! So I started trying again to get into that account.

Here's how it has gone: I click the forgot password link, the site says they've sent me an email. I check my email, all folders including spam, the email doesn't arrive. After waiting several hours in case the email is just delayed, I click the “resend email” link. Again, it doesn't arrive. So I click the “email still hasn't arrived? Have us call you!” link. That asks me if the phone number ending in...is the right number. Well obviously it isn't, it's phone number 1, which I haven't had in 7 years. So I click “add a new phone number” and enter my current cell (I have no landline). It asks for my billing address, which I provide, and I get an error message telling me that my address has missing or incomplete information. I have checked, double checked, tripled checked, it's the right address and it's properly formatted. The site simply will not accept my address, and therefore won't accept the new phone number.

So I call the triple 8 number for customer service. The customer service representative says she's sending me an email. Of course, just like the automatically generated email, it doesn't arrive no matter how long I wait. Other PayPal emails come through; I got the one notifying me that I had money, I get their advertising emails, etc. Just these password resets won't come through. I give it a full day with no luck and call back. The CSR says she's sending me an email. I tell her I went through this the previous day and she says she'll still send an email. I continually refresh the email and don't receive anything. She says she's sending me another email. This repeats several times. She has me go to the PayPal site and request an email like I did originally. She has me do this several times. Then she switches my account's primary email address to the secondary one they had on file (thank fuck I had put a secondary email on there!) and says she's sending me an email there. It doesn't come through. She sends another. She has me request an email from the site. We keep repeating this over and over as if it's suddenly going to work. Eventually I get it through to the CSR that these emails simply aren't going to arrive, so she says she'll change my phone number to my current one so that I can request a phone call from the site. Obviously I have to hang up to do that, and when I go to the site to request a phone call, it asks to confirm my phone number....which she hadn't actually changed.

I waited several hours, to see if it was something that was taking awhile to update on their system, but no. I still couldn't update my phone number because they say my address has missing or incomplete information. Knowing that I would be really bitchy if I tried to call back right then, I decided to wait and chill out before calling again. Whichever CSR was unlucky enough to get me on their phone didn't deserve to be victim of my frustration.

This morning I called again, asking for a supervisor right off the bat. Guess what he did? Yep! He sent me an email. Then another. He did all the same things that I'd done with the others. On the one hand that's fine, he needs to know for himself that it's been done and done properly, it's not like he was there watching the CSRs to know they'd not made any mistakes. But he seemed to think that was good enough. I told him that I wasn't satisfied because I considered it highly doubtful that his emails would come through when several dozen others over the past few days had not, and then what was I to do? Call back and go through this again and again? I did eventually get him to admit I had another option, which was to have my password reset by mail. So I pointed out that I don't live at Address A anymore, would I be able to have mail sent to my current address? Oh. No. That's a problem, too. Ok, so he sent an email to the email address that I have my other, working PayPal account attached to. I'm to print out that email and fax it to PayPal. They will process that and then contact me to confirm my ownership of the locked account using my old bank account info, etc. Once they've done that (in 7-10 days), they'll transfer the money in my locked account into my other account and close my locked account.

In the end, if this works, it will have taken 4 months for me to receive payment for a goddamned scarf. You know, I get that PayPal has to be careful, and I'm glad that they are. It's relieving to know that it would be this difficult for someone to get into my account that shouldn't. But at the same time, they need to have options available for people who change their personal information at times. Yes, I move often and I've spent a lot of time confusing my trail, but this situation would be exactly the same if I had moved, for example, from CA to NY, once. I'd still have a different bank account (BofA prefers that you have an account attached to your location, especially if you've changed states. They don't require it now—though they did when they were upgrading their system in 1999/2000 because not all the states were on the same system—but they really push for it), a different phone number, and a different address. It should not fluster them this much when someone forgets their password and doesn't live in the same place as when they opened the account. Why did I make security questions if they weren't going to be used? Why can't I confirm my identity by providing the info that's on that account? That bank account may be closed but I still have the account number memorized. I know every address I've ever lived at, and I have my every phone number written down. I know my Social Security number, my AZ and CA driver's license numbers, hell I even have my passport number. Why isn't there an option to verify I am who I say I am through any of those things?

I'm getting that money, I swear it. I will not be beaten. Just like T-Mobile will rue the day they screwed me over and lied to me, PayPal will let me have my money. These companies should not mess with people who aren't working, we're the ones who have so much time on our hands and can dedicate ourselves to getting what we deserve. Although I should specify, with PayPal I'm just frustrated by the way they've set up their system, it's obviously not malicious or a matter of incompetence. It simply sucks. T-Mobile, now, that's another story.

Book Destash

2010-02-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

I am de-stashing as much stuff as I can bring myself to part with. Partly I need the space, partly I'm tired of re-packing and hauling all this stuff every time we move, and partly my sweetheart has been saying I have too much stuff for years now. I am beginning with books, because they're the easiest to list and the hardest for me to part with. I don't even like to part with books that people have given me that aren't my kind of book and which I will never read. Some of those are on this list.

Photos are of the actual volume that will be sent, to show the condition. I've tried to photograph the more battered books from the angle that shows the worst wear, to make it as obvious as possible what the condition is. I will not refund your money if you get the book and think it's not in good enough condition. I will not refund shipping under any circumstances. I'm not asking much for each of these, so it would need a really good argument for me to refund at all. I've also written a basic description of each volume in the listing, so there should be no question about what you will be receiving.
Like New: it takes usually 8 or 9 readings for me to break the spine of a book, wrinkle pages, etc. Books listed as “like new” haven't reached that point, and are basically in the condition you'd get them from a bookstore, but they are not technically brand new.
Used Good: the general wear that would be expected in a used book. Spine may be broken, some folds to interior pages, worn edges to the cover, etc. The book is fully intact unless noted otherwise, and is generally in good condition.
Used Fair: more than the usual wear that would be expected in a used book. Spine may be separating from the pages or torn, covers may be worn extensively, etc. The book is fully readable and is generally in fair to ok condition.
Library Discard: mentioned because it will probably have been stamped “discard” or “withdrawn” or similar in several interior locations, there may be an old check-out card envelope, the name/address of the library may be marked inside, and it is likely to have had more use than the standard used book. The book is fully readable.

BookCrossing: As a BookCrossing member, I'm adding some of these to my BC library and they will go out as planned releases. This is noted with the book's condition because it means the book will be stamped on one or two interior pages and will have a BookCrossing bookplate on the inside front cover or front flyleaf. There's no obligation to add a free BC journal entry upon your receipt of the book.

I've linked to an Amazon page for each book where available, to make synopsis and other information easily available. Do not rely on the edition date or cover art on Amazon, whatever I've listed here is the actual information for the volume I have. Years provided are for the edition I'm offering, they are not the first publication date of the book.

Payment through paypal only, in advance. I will be shipping via Media Mail. This is not the fastest mailing method the USPS offers—it's slower than First Class—but it's the cheapest option for books and shipping times are still reasonable. If for any reason you want the item sooner and are willing to pay the higher shipping costs, let me know before you pay and I'll calculate it. If you want any form of tracking, such as Delivery Confirmation (within the US only), please make that clear in advance. I will not be using it unless requested, and any item lost by the postal service will not be refunded.

I do not currently have internet access at home, so there may be a short delay between claiming a book and getting a response from me. Please be patient with me! Books can be claimed either by leaving a comment here stating which book is wanted, with contact information so I can reach you, or by emailing me at: onesweettart AT gmail DOT com. If you know my paypal email address, do not pay until you've heard back from me! Someone else may have already claimed the book without my having yet had a chance to remove it from the list.

Future de-stashes will include dvds (brand new copy of LOST season 1, for example), CDs, and possibly some yarn (I have very little yarn stash and haven't gone through it yet to see if there's anything I can let go of).

Post-Birthday World 2007
Used-Good, some warping
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

The Good Husband of Zebra Drive 2007
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

A Cold Day in Paradise 1998
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

The Eight 1997
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Angels and Demons 2001
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

London Map Guide 2003
Like New – All Foldout Maps intact
$2 + shipping

London Lonely Planet Guide 2002
Like New
$2 + shipping

The Story of the Amulet 1996
Used-Good-some yellowing
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

gone:
Somewhere in the City 2007
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
First You Have to Row a Little Boat 1995
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
How I Paid for College
Advance Reading Copy, some warping
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Sphere 1988
Used- Fair, Library Discard
$1 + shipping

Past Times 1984
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

The Man Who Folded Himself 2003
Like New
$2 + shipping

The book below has been claimed pending payment

Skeleton Crew 1985
Used-Fair, all pages intact, wear to spine and cover
$1 + shipping

The book below has been claimed pending payment

Everything's Eventual 2003
Like New
$2 + shipping

The book below has been claimed pending payment

Night Shift 1979
Used-Fair, separation of spine and cover, all pages intact
$1 + shipping

Regina's Song 2003
Used-Good, beverage residue to front cover
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Worlds Enough and Time 2002
Like New (includes a Hyperion story)
$2 + shipping

The Secret of the Silver Lockets
Used-Good, some yellowing, no edition date on copyright page
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Murder by Death 1976
Used-Good, beverage residue front cover, some yellowing, ink on page edges
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

The Effect of Living Backwards 2003
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

gone:
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz 1985
Used-Fair, last 20 pages 1 inch horizontal tear but still easily readable, half of back cover missing, former owner bookplate to inside front cover
$1 + shipping

Bali and Lombok Lonely Planet Guide 1999
Like New
$2 + shipping

Firefly Lane 2009
Used-Good, sticker to front, Book Club Edition
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Emotional Unavailability 1997
Like New, given to me as a “kind” divorce gift years ago, lol
$2 + shipping

Ask Again Later 2008
Used-Good, sticker to front cover, Book Club Edition
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Funny in Farsi 2004
Like New
$2 + shipping

A Hundred and One Days 2005
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

gone:
Not Your Mother's Slow Cooker Recipes For 2 2007
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Cooking Around the World For Dummies 2003
Interior Like New, some small food residue to spine
$2 + shipping

Embracing the Infidel 2005
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

gone:
A Room of One's Own 1991
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

Women and Writing 1980
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Mediterranean Cooking 1996
Interior Like New, food residue to cover, sticker on back
$2 + shipping Good Deal! Check Amazon's prices

gone:
In a Persian Kitchen
Interior Like New, food residue to cover and spine, no edition date on copyright page
$2 + shipping

gone:
Knit Ponchos, Wraps & Scarves 2005
Like New, sticker front flyleaf and back cover
$2 + shipping

gone:
Labyrinth 2006
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Help! My Apartment Has a Kitchen 1996
Used-Good, some yellowing, margin notations on several recipes (such as “Good, Easy”)
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Bel Canto 2002
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Friday Night Knitting Club 2008
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Looking For Mr Right 2002
Like New
$2 + shipping

The Meaning of Life 2002
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

gone:
The Man Who Sold the Moon 2000
Interior Like New, sticker back cover
$2 + shipping

gone:
For Us, The Living 2004
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

gone:
Starship Troopers 1987
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Assignment in Eternity 2000
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Job: A Comedy of Justice 1992
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
What's the Number for 911 Again? 2001
Like New
$2 + shipping

What's the Number for 911? 2000
Like New
$2 + shipping

Frommer's Yosemite & Sequoia/Kings Canyon 2002
Like New
$2 + shipping

Timeline 2000
Like New
$2 + shipping

Strange Highways 1996
Used-Good, some water warping
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

gone:
Mrs Pollifax and the Lion Killer 1997
Used-Good
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Odd Thomas 2007
Like New
$2 + shipping

Brother Odd 2007
Like New
$2 + shipping

Forever Odd 2007
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Agatha Christie Crossword Puzzle Book 1995
Used. 10-12 puzzles completed in pencil, with dust jacket, contains both American-style and British-style crosswords
$1 + shipping

DoOon Mode 2001
Like New
$2 + shipping

gone:
Good Omens 1990
Used-Fair, Library discard
BookCrossing
$1 + shipping

Stitches in Time 1995
Like New, with dust jacket
$2 + shipping

Broken For You 2004
Like New
$2 + shipping

The History of Love 2005
Like New
$2 + shipping

The Thirteenth Tale 2007
Like New, Book Club Edition
$2 + shipping

The Pilot's Wife 1999
Like New but dusty, Oprah's Book Club Edition
$2 + shipping

gone:
Expanded Universe 1985
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
Orphans of the Sky 1970
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
Citizen of the Galaxy 1991
Library Discard
$1 + shipping

gone:
America as Science Fiction 1980
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
Grumbles From the Grave 1990
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
The Puppet Masters
Used-Good, copyright date listed as 1951, unknown if that's accurate for this edition
$1 + shipping

gone:
Revolt in 2100
Used-Good, copyright date listed as 1953, unknown if that's accurate for this edition
$1 + shipping

gone:
Red Planet 1977
Used-Fair, former owner name to flyleaf, spine separation
$1 + shipping

gone:
Tunnel in the Sky 1984
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
The Door Into Summer 1986
Used-Good
$1 + shipping

gone:
Beyond This Horizon
Used-Good, copyright date listed as 1975, unknown if that's accurate for this edition
$1 + shipping

gone:
Farnham's Freehold
Used-Good, copyright date listed as 1964, unknown if that's accurate for this edition
$1 + shipping

gone:
Double Star
Used-Good, tape to spine, Signet publishing co, copyright date listed as 1957, unknown if that's accurate for this edition
$1 + shipping

gone:
Between Planets 1971
Used-Good, NEL Publishing Co
$1 + shipping

Go Extend Your Friendly Reading!

2009-12-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

I'm restarting my cooking blog, which has been on hiatus for a year. You can find it right here, and I'd love it if people would read and interact with me there!

Wonderful Indie Sellers

2009-12-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

There was a time, probably partly due to the economy, possibly partly due to the rise of Ravelry, that it seemed everyone was starting an Etsy shop. Hell, I've got a partial business plan and stock for my own, although I don't expect to make a big chunk of change from it when I finally get it all together and have some energy. Anyway. While I like to support independent shops as much as possible, in some cases, well to be blunt, the shops that are popping up are kind of crap. Look at how much fodder there is for Regretsy, after all. Some shops have good ideas but little talent, some have talent but no business sense, some have pretty much nothing going for them. The truth is that not everybody has a marketable skill in handmade goods.

This post is about three women who do.

Little Red Bicycle is an Etsy store focused mainly on handspun/handdyed yarns, but which also lists additional special items such as embroidery and knitting patterns. The shop has been open less than 3 months and already has a devoted following, a 100% positive feedback rating, collaborations with four other Etsy sellers, and is a member of the SF Etsy Street Team. The shop owner has been a driving force behind an event that's new this year in San Francisco, called the Handmade HoDown. This will be going on Thursday, December 3rd, and is no small rec center event. It's being sponsored by Yelp, the Bizarre Bazaar, the Museum of Craft and Folk Art, East Bay Express, and more. This urban craft show will have music, alcohol, free gifts, raffle prizes, the opportunity to buy local, and will be supporting a worthy charity all the way.

Based in Pacifica, just outside of San Francisco, the owner of Little Red Bicycle spins up yarns that are amazingly soft and dyes in colourways that are not just vibrant, they're unique.

This is "Quarrel," a fingering weight 3ply 80% superwash merino, 20% nylon sock yarn. She also packages her yarn well, wrapping it in tissue paper and providing an invoice in the delivery. Shipping has been reported to be quite fast for most customers, as well. To keep up with updates, follow the shop on Twitter.

Sweet Libertine is a mineral cosmetics company that began on Etsy but has since grown to its own site and amazing success. The owner, Sarah Waller, is based in Cincinnati, Ohio, where she does extensive research and testing to ensure not only the quality of her products, but that her cosmetics will be good for all skin types. The Sweet Libertine line, which began with mineral eyeshadows, has since expanded to include bronzes, blushers, pressed palettes, glitter eyeshadows, concealers, and more. There's even a special line, called Little Libertine, for younger faces. The buyer selects three colours, which will be blended down to a subtle tone that's appropriate for a young lady just starting to get into makeup. The colours can even be given a custom name that fits the recipient's hobbies or interests, so that the entire set is perfectly personalized, just for her.

Other special items available include a collection of colours inspired by Amanda Palmer (of Dresden Dolls fame), a colour that supports a cat rescue with every purchase, special limited edition colours at different seasons of the year, a customer rewards program, and a new Eyeshadow of the Month Club that, well, it has to be read to be believed.

This is a five gram sifter jar of Disco Butterfly eyeshadow. It's vegan, made from all natural crushed minerals and pigments, and is bismuth and paraben free. The prices at this shop are astoundingly low, especially considering all the support you get. You're not just being sent a jar of makeup and that's it, there are forums to discuss cosmetics and their use/application, customer-supplied photos, and a blog that has articles addressing all sorts of cosmetics questions and needs. Shipping is quite quick and even international shipping is very inexpensive. The shop does have a Twitter feed, which helps keep up with sales and special updates.

Paradoxicality is a brand new shop that has already gained a serious following. My discussion of it here will be very brief because I've been testing merchandise for the owner and have an entire review post that will be going up shortly. Let me just say that your hands have never known softness or delight until they've been pampered with Shea Mousse from this shop.

This is the 2oz bottle of the Shea Mousse, which contains Refined Shea Butter, Shea Oil, Avocado Oil, Jojoba Oil, & Tapioca Starch. Nothing that you'd fear to put against your skin. The shipping is unbelievably fast and the prices very low. There are a bunch of new products just ahead for this shop, and I've gotten to advance test several items, which I'm very excited to share the details of in an upcoming post, so keep an eye out here!

So what happens when you have three amazing shops run by three successful and hard-working women? A collaboration to die for. Right now, for a limited time only, you can purchase a set of specially dyed Little Red Bicycle Yarn that is perfectly matched by Sweet Libertine mineral eyeshadow, and which all comes with a sample pot of Paradoxicality Shea Mousse. There are three different colour sets available (the photo below is only one option, and the other two are just as gorgeous), and the pricing on these sets cannot be beat. You get yarn, eyeshadow, and lotion for what is literally the price of some indie dyers' single yarn skeins. Obviously, considering the current holiday season, these sets would also make wonderful gifts.

This is Mistletoe Grope, the yarn is 430 yard skein of fingering weight 80/20 superwash merino/nylon sock yarn, the eyeshadow is 5grams to each pot.

These are women who have talent, they have skills they've worked hard to hone, and they have the sense and intelligence to make their shops successful. I would happily give them my custom just based on the products, whether they were a booth at a fair or a counter at Neiman Marcus. Fortunately, whenever you purchase from any of these ladies, you're supporting individuals. You're encouraging boutique sellers in the purest and best sense of the term, and doing more with your money than just lining a corporation's pockets. These ladies live their products every day and they believe in what they do. And it definitely shows.

Accept. Except...

2009-11-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I have no choice but to accept this day because there's no undoing it, but right now I think if I opened my mouth I'd start sobbing and never stop.

Today was my medical exam with the Social Security doctor. Actually, to be fully clear, Social Security contracts with a medical clinic, so the clinic has patients that aren't SSA patients, and SSA is not their boss or anything similar. I had a rough night last night, as was probably obvious from my last post, I was feeling like no matter how I tried to open people up to the idea that there are other possibilities than the ones they're clinging to, I was just getting shot down. That makes me feel like 'what's the point' and am I really doing any good by continuing to try? Then I woke up not feeling great physically, and the panic attacks I've been pushing back for the last few days about this appointment kept threatening to overwhelm me.

Like many people, the holidays are an especially hard time for me, and I was thinking ahead to xmas and New Year's and trying to think of ways to improve them. This led to me realizing something I ought to have realized last week, and deciding that no, I didn't need to worry about that this year (ambiguity, I haz it, sorry can't be more clear). Took a nap to try to calm down, my sweetheart got home to pick me up and take me to my appointment (he'd taken the afternoon off the day job), and pow! Discovered that, yes, I did need to worry about that thing this year. Like a fucking punch to the gut. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think... anyway, as we were driving to the appointment I was trying to explain to him just why the holidays are hard for so many people, and kept getting a little hitch in my voice but thought I could push past it, and then couldn't, and I was crying. Great way to start, having not even arrived at the clinic yet.

Arrived, filled out my form (one side of one sheet of paper) about medical history, and was very shortly called back by the medical assistant. She did the vision test and took my height and weight, my pulse and blood pressure. Then I was taken to an exam room, given a gown, and left to change. The doctor, when she came in, was in her mid-50s, about my height, lean/skinny (hard to tell with the white coat on). Since I was wearing a paper gown and underwear, I was sitting on the exam table (if my bare skin is going to touch furniture in a busy clinic, I like it to be furniture covered by those paper sheets), so she told me to sit in the chair. I started to climb down, using my cane for support, and she reached out and took it away from me, saying "the exam must be done without the cane". I'd have reacted better to that if I hadn't been leaning on the goddamned thing at the time, but fortunately my left hand was resting on the table so I shifted my weight as quickly as possible. Then she said "why would you need a cane, anyway, you have no injuries to your back or legs". This is what I'll call Clue One that this was not going to be a fantastic exam.

I sat and she looked at my form and said "ok, I see you have Crohn's. The depression and anxiety are not my problem, and the ovarian cysts and tumor well you'll just have to learn to live with the pain of that, that's not disabling. And we can ignore the thyroid because it's just low." Here I did speak up and say "no, actually, I put "thyroid malfunction" because it's not just a low thyroid. It ought to be, since I had the partial thyroidectomy, but my labwork shows that it's up and down constantly, they've changed the level of my synthroid 4 times." She just looked at me for a moment, then I swear to god she rolled her eyes. (woo hoo, Clue Two!) She looked over my form and asked me if I'd driven myself to the clinic--yeah, bitch, that's why the form that you're looking at says "driven by family" after that question--and I explained how I'd arrived, and she went back to my form. She asked about my Crohn's meds, and why I wasn't taking what she thought I should take, so I explained that the pred is basically no longer helping, that the mercaptopurine seems to have plateau'd and I can't afford it, that the last two Remicade treatments put me into anaphylactic shock, and that my gastroenterologist wanted to put me on a new medication that we were going to have to jump through some hoops to get, but that since my health insurance had been cancelled, I couldn't do that right now. She snapped at me "you need to get your health insurance back, then. This stuff is $4,000 to $5,000 a pop." and she fucking glared at me. I explained that I knew this, that I'd had to purchase my medications without insurance before, which was why I couldn't afford to take the expensive ones now, regardless. She repeated again that I needed to get the health insurance back, sneering this time. Clue Three! Somewhere in here she also asked what I was doing on Thanksgiving, not in a friendly smalltalk sort of way but in an inquisitorial manner, so I said that I was going to be eating comfort food at home because my family lives a distance away and I'm not up for that drive. I wasn't about to explain that in fact it's that the money isn't there, since she'd had such a fit about me not buying my health insurance. She told me that was unacceptable and that I needed to find a church that was having a Thanksgiving meal. She asked what my sweetheart does for a living. Why? Why is that any of her fucking business? That has nothing to do with my health or whether I'm disabled. I gave her a vague answer. Fortunately she didn't push it.

She still looked at my form--look, cunt, there were only about 10 questions on that form, I don't know what you think you're looking at now--and then she said "good to see you're doing so well with your Crohn's." Excuse me?! I'm doing "so well"?! Yeah, I'll tell you what, we'll give you a huge massive amount of pain in your abdomen, rip all energy out of your body, so that the best you can do on 85% of your days is to lay in bed, and see if you still define it as "doing so well". Clue Four! Asked if I had any problems with malabsorption, etc., I said yes, that I have short bowel syndrome due to having had 9 surgeries that included resections (among other things) and she said "well that's surprising, since you're carrying so much extra weight." I managed to keep my mouth from dropping open, although I admit my eyes got pretty watery, and I tried to laugh it off by saying "well my doctor told me to hold onto an extra 10 pounds or so for when I get sick, since I lost 30 pounds in a month back in January 1998" and I smiled. She looked me right in the eye and laughed and said "well, you're carrying an extra 30-50 pounds so I don't think there's any worry there." Clue Fucking Five. Telling your patient that she's overweight when she's 5'8" and has just been weighed in your office at 147 pounds (which is actually below what my doctor wants me at), especially since we've weighed my breasts at home, carefully. (it was fun) Each one is right at 9lbs (the slightly bigger one is like 9.2 or something), so 18 pounds of my weight is tits.

Next she had me stand in one corner of the room with my back to her and walk away from her normally. I was shaking so badly at this point that I'm surprised she didn't think it was an earthquake. I walked away, she told me to walk back heel to toe as if I were "walking the line for a police officer". Yeah, because I've had so much experience with that, having never driven drunk or been pulled over on suspicion. As soon as I started to take the first step, since I didn't have my cane or anything nearby to help, I started to lose my balance, my foot flailed out to the side, I waved my arms around, and was able to get the foot down solidly. She said "come on!" impatiently. I did the rest, shaking like a leaf now, as best I could. Then she had me walk away from her on my tiptoes. I'll just say that was horrible for me and leave it at that. She had me come back and said "bend over and touch your toes". Ok, there's a problem there. First, all my height is in my legs. Even when I was healthy (long time ago) I couldn't touch my toes because my inseam is approx 35". Secondly, bending over, especially straight over, hurts my stomach... a lot. Thirdly, that's a balance issue for me, I'm just not that stable. So I started to bend over, stopped, said "what if I fall?" and she replied "well I'm not gonna help you, you've got 55 pounds on me." By the way, little note here, if this woman thinks she weighs less than 100 pounds, she's got another think coming. She's skinny/lean/whatever, but she ain't that thin. So I did as best as I could, and she told me to sit on the exam table.

She did the eye exam and then went to do the ears and said "are you a natural blonde?" I said "yeah. I put lemon juice in it at the root every month because the root is usually a shade darker until it gets to about an inch long, but it's natural". She said "hmm. It would be pretty, if it weren't such a rat's nest." Again I tried to laugh it off and said "yeah, I forgot to braid my hair before bed last night, so it's a little tangled". She replied "yeah, basically dreadlocks now". It's not, actually. It was tangled, because I did forget to braid my hair last night and with all the tossing and turning it got all fubar'd. So I started to untangle it and then took my nap, which made it worse, and didn't have time to finish. My hair is really elastic, so it has to be untangled, not brushed through. Can't take a brush to it until it's been untangled by hand. But that's not the same as what she was saying. She looked in my mouth, then said "show me your teeth" and I did, and she said "do you ever brush your teeth?" Bite me. I explained that I brush twice a day and that I'd just had a root canal, and that my teeth were basically see through in the front because of the disintegrating enamel from my meds. She said "hmm. Well, expect to lose all your teeth soon if you're not going to bother to take care of them." Shit, what Clue am I on now?

After listening to my lungs she had me lay back, and pressed on my tummy (fucking ouch!), then she took the gown (I was told to wear it opening in the back) in two hands and ripped a hole in it, saying afterward "let's look at these scars". She pulled my panties down several inches without warning, said "railroad tracks, huh?" started to laugh, and then said "they must've gone through this one several times, it's pretty wide!". Yeah, they have gone in through that incision site 3 times and used it for a laparoscopy entry point once. Thanks for that, I'm uncomfortable enough about having had 10 fucking surgeries and being criss-crossed with scars.

Then she told me to sit up, put my clothes back on, and leave. She walked out of the room, turned and stuck her head back in and said "start eating better, you're probably just eating pre-processed food full of sodium, fat, starch, all that". Then she closed the sliding door and I slowly got dressed and got my purse and got back to the car where my sweetie was having a nap, and got in, and he started driving, looking at me every few seconds as I tried to stay calm, and then holding my hand when I started to sob.

I don't know how much weight her opinion has. She didn't have any of my medical records, she specifically mentioned that they hadn't sent her anything, so whatever she says will only be based on today's visit. My sweetie said, when he was holding me back at home, that at least my part is done. I just have to wait. It's out of my hands. There's nothing more that I could do or not do to affect it. And he's right. It's just a matter of waiting now and hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst. But I just feel like it would've been easier and faster for her to take a mallet and beat me down into the ground over and over until I was a mushed up speck in the dirt. I feel that my options have been taken away from me. I also feel humiliated and dumb and, yes, fat. Something about having a medical professional look at the numbers for your height and weight and tell you that you're carrying an extra 30-50 pounds that really makes it feel true. I'm so depressed, I just want to stay in bed forever.

Talking to Myself

2009-11-23T00:12:00.000-08:00

It has nothing to do with whether someone agrees with me or not. It's not like I need to be right all the time...every year or two I'm wrong about something (kidding!).

It's about having a completely closed mind. It's about sitting in judgment of others. It's about not recognizing the damage your words can cause. It's about not bothering to think about the people who might read what you're saying and take it to heart about themselves. It's about perpetuating the problem just because you only care about previous incidents involving yourself. It's about being unwilling to concede that there might possibly be another way to look at it other than your way.

How can you not see the damage you can cause this way? Just because you insist on keeping tight hold of your anger and resentment of someone long ago who is no longer a part of your life, and then projecting that onto somebody else's situation, you could be hurting so many people.

The whole point is that you don't know. You don't know, you have no way of knowing, you will never know. You're not inside that person's head. And so your assumptions about motive and reason and mental state are worse than useless. Every time someone makes bald statements like yours, several things happen. 1) People who have never been in the situation or any one like it accept your statement as truth, because "you've been there" so you "must" know what you're talking about. This causes them to take on your prejudice, and then parrot it and pass it on to others. 2) People who have been in the situation on the other side get reinforcement that this is how the world views them. They become afraid to voice their feelings. They become afraid to admit to past instances. They become even more alone.

Worse, your speculations are not necessary or helpful, even if you phrased them differently. "I once knew someone who did xyz" or "there are times that people do xyz" would be more accurate than "all people who do xyz in the following way are manipulative" (oh and abusive, can't forget abusive!), but it's still not useful. What is the person you're talking to going to take from that? You're very careful to cover yourself and say "when people do xyz in the following way, they're manipulating you... but of course you should take them seriously anyway, just in case". Then why say it?!? Is it really helpful to tell somebody who is in emotional distress "hey, heads up, you're being used and played. But go ahead and respond and act as if you aren't, just in case"? And what about the others? The 592 other people who are reading what you've said and haven't said anything themselves? Do you have any idea what you could be doing to them?

It's not advice, it's not commiserating, it's not support, it's not sympathy, it's not useful, it's not suggestions, it does not belong in the conversation! Just, shut up, and accept that your experience was probably more complex than even you realize, and it's not the only way things happen.

Pathways

2009-11-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog is "A Deviant's Deviation", and beneath that in the header I've put the definition of the word aberrant: "deviating from the proper or expected course. 2. Deviating from what is normal; untrue to type." The URL is "aberranterrare" etc.

The whole thing is kind of a word game in my own head. The URL is very simple, actually. The word aberrant comes from the Latin errare 'to wander'. Errare can have both the literal meaning "to wander" and the transferred meaning "to wander off the path, to make a mistake" or "to stray".

Two more definitions before the explanation. Deviant: adj. Differing from a norm or from the accepted standards of a society. n. One that differs from a norm, especially a person whose behavior and attitudes differ from accepted social standards. Deviation: an act or instance of diverging from an established way or in a new direction.

So a deviant is someone different from the normal or accepted standards, which could be metaphorically said to be someone walking a different path from most. If that deviant then deviates from that path, branching out in a new direction, they are deviating from their deviant behavior and possibly returning to "normality". That's what many would see my knitting and my cats as: the way in which someone who prefers to march to a different drummer still remains in step with everyone else.

Aberrant meaning to deviate from the expected course or the normal is sort of a reinforcing of being the one referred to as Deviant. Not taking the 'proper' course. Errare's dual meaning of "to wander" and "to stray" gives that Deviant the option of not just taking a different course, but taking no path at all, thus not returning to "normality".

I can be a deviant, aberrant in some of my choices and decisions, and that does not stop me from also being normal and enjoying things like knitting and reading and baking bread. Which in turn does not stop me from being or doing anything else. I can be agnostic and go to church, which doesn't stop me from following some Buddhist principles. I can love tattoos and wear modest dresses, which doesn't stop me from owning fishnet thigh highs.

In other, simpler words, I don't need to fit in one box or another. I can be two things at once, or three, or ten. I can enjoy and respect things that may seem to some to be paradoxical. So can you, so can anybody. I love being a social deviant and I love being in some ways very traditional and I love being neither, all at the same time.

Grumpy Pants

2009-11-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

Just a small note, because I've been saying this for literally over 10 years, and I don't get why this is such a widespread thing.

If I say "I'm sorry?" or "What was that?" or something indicating that I didn't hear what you said, don't repeat only the last word of your sentence.

If you do that, and I say "no, I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of it, what did you say?", don't explain to me the meaning of the last few words of your original sentence.

Just repeat the whole goddamned sentence!

For example: "mumble miffin flursh mumble" "I'm sorry?" "3 feet" "No, I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of it, what did you say?" "About a yard. 3 feet. Like this [holding out hands]." "I didn't hear any of what you said in the first place, can you repeat your entire first sentence?" "You see it has to be 3 feet or it won't work."

"REPEAT THE FUCKING SENTENCE! THE WHOLE FUCKING SENTENCE!"

"The length of the line from tie to base needs to be 3 feet, geeze."

Because think about it. You started talking and I didn't know you were going to say something, so the first few words at the beginning of your sentence were before I was paying complete attention, or while I was turned away, or was thinking about something else, or was scratching my ear, or was clearing my throat to say something myself, or whatever. I'm much more likely to have missed the first part of what you said than the last part. And if I missed the last part, wouldn't I say "I'm sorry, how long again?" or "you said the line should be how many feet?" or whatever? Why, why would I have listened to the first part of your sentence and then tuned out the end so that only that last word needed repeating? How could I have been able to clearly understand everything... except that last word?

Seriously. If you aren't sure what I need repeated? Just ask! "Which part didn't you hear?" Thank you, and have a nice day.

Ah, the High Ground

2009-11-03T13:34:00.000-08:00

This post going up right now is due to a discussion that has come up in LSG twice in the past, what, 6 weeks? But it's not specifically about that issue. I have a problem with people who participate in groups that encourage acceptance and who themselves claim to be open-minded, but who are judgmental and self-righteous. Thus, this post, to clear it out of my head.

The way I see it, there are approximately 3 moral or ethical (human) absolutes that are always wrong. Murder, rape, abuse. Those are the only issues that have no grey area and are always morally wrong, with no excusing or explaining them away. Notice that I specifically say "murder", not taking the life of another person or killing, because those things are not always wrong. Soldiers in war are not immoral for doing their duty as they have sworn to, the state kills in areas that have the death penalty, doctors are the ones who actually disconnect life support systems, etc. Those are different from murder. Some people might argue with me about rape, in the sense that in our society a 21 year old who sleeps with his 17 year old girlfriend is guilty of statutory rape even when it's consensual, but I count sex with an underage party as a form of abuse because the younger partner does not have, cannot have, the full ability to make an informed decision. They don't know what the emotional, mental, and physical impacts will be on themselves. I say that as someone who was having plenty of sex while underage and who had a college-aged boyfriend when in high school.

Now, with those three things set aside, there are plenty of people who think that they are the keepers of what is and is not "wrong". These people insist that there is no grey area in those particular issues, that circumstances never matter, that nothing needs to be taken into account in order to decide, simply that anyone who engages in those things is immoral and 'ethically bankrupt'. So let's take a look at some of these unbendable rules, shall we?

Stealing. Stealing is wrong. In a general way, I think this is a lesson that kids should be taught, and it's ok to leave it in those terms... when you're discussing it with kids. But as adults we can take into account the motivation behind the act. Smashing a stranger's window and making off with their tv because you don't want to work to earn the money to purchase your own and you have no respect for the space and privacy of other people, that's immoral. A 10 year old boy shoplifting to feed his hungry little sister, is that immoral? Of course there are often options for kids who are living in poverty. But I'm not talking about whether that little boy should tell a teacher and hope for the best, I'm saying is that child individually immoral because he is guilty of theft?

Another theft example that closes the gap between those two extremes: a teenager takes money out of her dad's wallet while he's sleeping downstairs. Eesh, that combines several things that are wrong. Stealing, deception, dishonesty. It also brings up concerns about the use the money will be put to, is the teen going to use it to compound the act through drugs? But what if the dad is an alcoholic sleeping off a binge, and when he wakes up he'll go to the store for more booze and spend whatever is in his wallet? What if the teenager is taking the money surreptitiously on a regular basis in order to pay utility bills? There are many things that could make a teen feel that there is no safe place to go for help. Sometimes foster parents aren't what we would wish them to be and the household is still better than being removed from it. Some teens with scholarships know that they only have to get through another few months and it'll be behind them. Some have tried to get help before and not gotten it, making their home life worse. Is that teenager ethically bankrupt for taking that cash?

Here's a good one: adultery. Infidelity. It's wrong, isn't it? Pretty straightforward to lots of people. We'll start with a pretty obvious case. My divorce took 2 years to complete. I filed 3 months after moving out, and 2 years after that I finally got the decree. I had not voluntarily seen my ex during those 2 years, and the times I had seen him were due to his stalking me. During those 2 years I was a married woman. I was honest with the guys that I dated in that time, because if someone was uncomfortable dating someone who was going through a divorce, I didn't want to date them. Was I cheating? Were those guys assisting me in cheating? How about my sweetheart? He and I met before the divorce was final, we were already in a serious committed relationship when the decree finally arrived (we actually got it out of the mailbox together after having gone out to dinner one night). Was he the "other man"? Some people say yes, that as long as there was any legal tie, any paperwork not completed, that I was a married woman and should not have had romantic or intimate contact with other men. I feel that once my paperwork was filed, once I had made the public declaration that my marriage was over, that our union was dissolved, my ability to have happiness and love with someone new did not rely on the backlog at the court.

A more ambiguous case, then. A woman, married for 16 years, in her 40s, meets a younger man. He falls for her, tells her how intelligent and beautiful and amazing she is. She is flattered and spends more and more time with him, eventually sleeping with him, obviously keeping all of this strictly secret from her husband. Wow. How is that ambiguous, some would ask. Well, add one more piece of information to that story. The woman's husband has been emotionally abusing her for the entire length of their marriage. He has convinced her that she is ugly, worthless, stupid, and completely reliant on him. She has been living a slow-moving hell for 16 years, and has never tried to get out because she's been so destroyed by her husband. Meeting this other man makes her aware that she is none of the things her husband said she was, that she has strength and abilities. After sleeping with this younger man, she packs a bag while her husband is at work one day and leaves, not to go to the younger man, but to live the rest of her life. Is she still an immoral hussy? Should the young man be labelled as a homewrecker and forever made to feel ashamed of his actions when he fell in love with an older woman?

I could literally go on for days giving examples of different actions that people label with the blanket statements of "wrong" "bad" "immoral" "unethical", etc. Vandalism, drug use, fraud, etc. But my point is that the only absolute there is in morality is that there are no absolutes. Everything has bits and pieces that factor in, circumstances and personalities and backgrounds and details that we can never know from the outside. We cannot judge other people based on these things, not accurately. It's completely acceptable to say that we ourselves would not perform these acts. Those are decisions we make for ourselves, they're how we determine who we are and where our own boundaries are. But it's not my place to make those decisions for other people, people with different lives. And anybody who attempts to label another person as "immoral", "ethically bankrupt", "a bad person", just because they make different choices and have different boundaries? They are intolerant, closed-minded, cruel, and in many cases creating the situations and circumstances that cause people to need to perform those very acts.

It will never be up to me how my neighbor lives his life, any more than it's up to him how you live yours, as long as he doesn't murder, rape, or abuse another person. It's only up to me to do my best to live up to my own morals.

Shopping Makes Me Curmudgeonly

2009-10-26T17:05:00.001-07:00

Wow, look at that! No posts for months and suddenly a plethora of them in just a couple days. Weird.

I spent the last three days trying to convince myself to go grocery shopping. My list was made (not a long one), the items were needed (we haven't had food in so long), the store is a half mile away (or 3 miles if I'm up for a trip to the organic market). But somehow I just couldn't make myself go. Having reached the bottom of the bag of cat food, however, today I had no choice. Here's a couple brief thoughts that this trip left me with:

Apparently when vacuum cleaners break, we're supposed to toss them and buy new ones. I've been looking for a replacement belt for our vacuum for 3 weeks without success. Amazon is sold out, the grocery store no longer carries them, Target sells exactly one belt for one model by one company, etc. There is a vacuum/sewing machine repair shop downtown, so I'll probably end up there, but it's so skeevy looking from the outside, I've been trying everywhere else first.

I miss the "Three's a Crowd" days of the old Albertson's stores, where they'd open a new checkstand whenever there were more than 3 people in any line. My grocery had only the two express lanes open, and I was the 7th person in line for the one I chose.

25year old boys should not be allowed to pester people for petition signatures outside stores. I used to sell Camp Fire candy in front of KMart, I have some experience in this area. First rule: stand at the EXIT door, not the entrance. If you ask people as they go in, they are more likely to turn you down because they're focusing on the shopping they need to do. Also, if they've said no on the way in, and you ask them again on the way out because you can't remember every person who has said no, they'll be annoyed. If you ask only on the way out, they are more likely to take the time and if it's something to buy they may have just gotten change from their groceries that they can use to buy your item. Also, having seen you on the way in, they will have had the length of their shopping to have you in the back of their mind and maybe ask for cash back just so they can buy something. Second rule: if someone says "no", don't continue to harass them. For example, when I say "no, I'm an absentee voter in another county", don't chase me into the store and continue to argue with me about it until I threaten to call security.

Grocery store baggers who are under 18, moving slower than I am (that's an achievement), while chewing gum and mumbling under their breath? Should be retrained on how to bag groceries. As in, don't put a ten pound bag of flour and a ten pound bag of sugar into the same single plastic bag. Don't put food and laundry detergent in the same bag. Don't put produce underneath a half gallon carton of soymilk. Don't roll over my foot with the grocery cart while I'm standing perfectly still-behind the cart-by pushing it away from yourself. And if you do all of that and I still make eye contact with you and smile and tell you to have a nice day? At least grunt or something in return.

Don't buy a large truck unless you can park a large truck. If you get out of your truck and find that you are so slanted diagonally in your parking space that the person in the space next to yours can't back out because your truck is behind their car? You need to get back in your truck and try again. Fortunately this time it was someone else who was blocked in, but I did have a day a few months ago where I was so blocked in this way that I had to have the driver paged in the store.

In happier notes... the elderly couple that had only 8 items in their cart when I offered to let them go ahead of me with my 21 items, were very polite and also very sweet with the way they were treating each other. Gobie seems to think that the best hiding place for his mouse toy is underneath his fat belly, which makes him look like he's trying to hatch it. Tomorrow I get to make bread (scratch, not bread maker), which will make the house smell good. I got 3 separate coupons for money off my next grocery trip, for a total of $2 (every little bit helps).

Finding the Right View

2009-10-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

I had not worked on my Great 8 Sock Plan for literally months. I had started the first sock happily and got through the twisted rib of the cuff fairly easily. At the very least, the Plan was working to the extent that it gave me a chance to sit quietly and try to be in the moment, even if I couldn't find a good podcast or article to read while I knit. When I finished the cuff and began working on the patterned leg, however, I had problems. I did the first row and ended up with the wrong number of stitches. I tinked back and tried again, and again had the wrong number of stitches. Again and again I messed up on the very first pattern row! And I wasn't even being consistent enough for me to know what my error was. I'd end up with one extra stitch on the first needle, two extra on the second, and one too few on the third. Or some other combination, but never the same. I decided, considering the frustration and self-abuse I was going through as regards the sock, that I was not achieving my purpose with it. Mindfulness and annoyance/irritation do not go hand in hand. So I set the project aside and moved on to other things.

In September I made a quick trip north to see my folks for a couple days. I really hate checking luggage, and only do it when absolutely necessary, so I was trying to arrange my carry-on so that I'd have all I needed on the plane with me. Therefore I needed a knitting project that could fit in my purse, which is not large. The other main project I have on the needles at the moment is two-at-a-time socks on dpns (double knitting style), and doing that requires two separate skeins, so I decided that project was too large. Long story short (too late!), I packed my Right View socks into my purse and headed for the airport.

For some reason, as soon as I got settled at the gate and started knitting, the pattern went just fine. I tinked the row that I'd stepped away from in April with the awareness that it was wrong, and then started fresh, and had no problems. I simply went smoothly around, again and again, as travelers moved around me and planes came and went. Since I move more slowly these days and the route to the airport is a major commute corridor, I ended up arriving at the airport several hours before my flight. I know they now ask us to allow a couple hours for security, but I'm not a first-time traveler, it only takes me 2 minutes to get through the checkpoint. Before I get to the metal detector my shoes are off, my purse in one tray laid flat and my carry-on in another. I always wear slip-on shoes to make it easier to get them off and back on again, never have anything in my pockets, never wear jewelry (well except my collar, but that takes only a moment to remove, and my ring, which doesn't set off metal detectors), and wear comfortable, loose cotton clothing that has no metal studs and won't show wrinkles after sitting in a plane for awhile. So I get to go through the special security line for those who are regular fliers, and get through more quickly. Therefore I was at my gate and ready to get on the plane, with my disabled early-boarding pass in hand, over 2 hours before my flight. Oh, well, better than being late and rushing!

But the time just flew by. At one point I realized I'd been knitting steadily for about 45 minutes, and when I stopped to think about what had been going through my mind, I realized that I hadn't been thinking about anything. I had vaguely been repeating the stitches in my head as I knit them, but other than that it was all clear. I hadn't been planning or anticipating or worrying about the future, I hadn't been looking back on prior events, I hadn't even been thinking about how long it was until the plane arrived, or anything about my flight. Yet I wasn't “zoned out” or in a tired sort of trance, I was simply thinking only of the thing I was doing at that moment. Each stitch as it came, then when that stitch was completed, the next. Usually in airports I people-watch, I enjoy speculating about where those around me are going and why. But this time, although I registered each person's presence, it was just the immediately apparent facts about them.

I think I'm far from mastering the first step of the Eightfold Path, but I do think that I've at least found a way of being in myself that will allow me to continue to do the work I want to do. The Hedera pattern was a very good one for this step, because there were only 3 row patterns to memorize, and no two in a row were alike. Therefore it required focus to know where in the pattern I was, but not so much attention that I had to continuously anticipate the next step or jerk myself out of myself to repeatedly check my papers. It held my interest but wasn't so complicated that it frustrated or distracted me.

I'm taking a break from socks for a short time, even though I want to just keep knitting more and more socks and continue working on the Middle Way. But I don't know yet which pattern to go to next. I have a pair that I know I want to make, and the yarn set aside to make them, but I don't feel them right now and they wouldn't be a part of this project anyway (my Lolita Socks). I have another skein of sock yarn that I would very much enjoy working with, but I don't know yet what pattern that skein wants to become. I have two more Cookie A patterns printed off as well as her Sock Innovation book, and considering how well her Hedera pattern went, I'm likely to use a pattern of hers for at least one more Eightfold Path sock pair, but I won't just rush in haphazardly for the sake of it. I need to feel that the pattern is the right one for the next step. Until I figure that out, I'm working on my Golden Gate Hoodie, which is the oft-knit Central Park Hoodie (CPH) pattern, very popular. It's my first cable project (although I did do a mini sweater with a mini cable that I used a toothpick to make) and so far it's going pretty well. It's also my first real garment, my first sweater, so it's taking some courage to do it. The ladies from TSG Group 4 gifted me the yarn via WEBS gift certificate over 18 months ago, it's taken me this long to believe I can do it! :)

Holidays Are Coming

2009-10-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

As I haven't any money, and very little energy, coming up with xmas gifts has been a struggle. But I do believe I have finally figured out almost everybody.

Probably the only good part of having so little family is that it means there are very few people to buy gifts for. If we go all the way to extended family, with first cousins once removed and such, as well as their spouses, I have 11 living relatives. Also, most of those are only related by marriage. Blood relatives: my mom, sister, uncle, two cousins, mom's cousin. Relatives by marriage: my stepdad, my grandma (my late grandpa's second wife), her husband, my aunt (my mom's brother's wife), my mom's cousin's husband. Technically I also have one more living relative, as my dad is still alive, despite the fact that we have no contact, but as he was an only child and an orphan, raised by his grandparents who died more than 30 years ago, I have no family on the paternal side.

In the extended family, we have long stopped exchanging gifts among the adults, and since my cousins are both over 18 now, and we're no longer doing the 'name draw' gift exchange, that means that my entire xmas list consists of my mom, stepdad, sister, and sweetheart. We also don't celebrate xmas on xmas anymore. We're not a religious family, my mom and stepdad are the only ones who go to church, and as they are different faiths, they don't go very often. So we've celebrated on the 26th or 27th for the last few years. Cuts down on travel headaches and closed-store grocery problems. All that said, I adore the xmas holiday season. I love the songs, the decorations, the baking, the general cheer, the memories... everything. So although the family would understand me not being able to give anything, I am determined to have gifts in tow.

Thus, the homemade gift option. Long an option subject to jokes on bad sitcoms, I'm fortunate to at least have enough skills not to be giving candy cane reindeer or popsicle stick picture frames. Therefore, the gift list is as follows:

My stepdad--two jars of homemade Roasted Red Pepper Spread and a bag of homemade Herbed Tortilla Chips (diabetic friendly recipe)

My sister--two mini loaves of homemade white bread and two jars of my jam, probably a strawberry and a raspberry.

My mom--two jars of homemade Maple-Walnut Syrup and a jar of homemade pancake mix.

All three will also receive a bar of homemade lavender soap with strawberry seeds for exfoliating, and a knit washcloth. If I have time I'll also do an herb bath tea bag (~snicker~), or similar. I'll do separate small baskets for the food items and the bath items, of course, and I'm hoping that if I make them pretty enough they'll be a success.

I still have no idea what I'm giving my sweetheart. I should be able to afford his fishing license for 2010, along with the same two stamps I got him for 2009's: ocean fishing and second pole. I'm also starting a quilt for him as a surprise, but that won't be ready for ages. If I'm lucky and it holds my interest, I may be done with it by, I dunno... 2044? (the last bed-sized quilt I made as a gift took me 15 months from purchasing material to presenting it) He'll also benefit from the things I make for the others, as there will be a couple jars left over of each. But I'd like to give him something a little more special and heartfelt than a fishing license and some leftovers. The other problem is that there's a possibility that we'll be moving in the semi-near future, so I don't want to give him anything that takes up space and will need to be packed and transported.

I don't really want to say anything about the possible move, because I've been through this before. There's been several times that he's put in for a transfer and right before it was finalized a problem came up at Headquarters or a major incident (like an earthquake or the fire on the MacArthur Maze) occurred, and the transfer was cancelled. The move down here had been "imminent" for 9 months before it actually happened, and we ended up about 35 miles east of where we planned to be. In this case, he's got Plan A through Plan G (I think that's as far as it goes, as far as I know he hasn't moved on to Plan H yet), which run the gamut from a move within CA before 2010 to a move out of state in April, to a move to an as-yet-undetermined location in April 2012, with lots of options in between. While there's a shortlist of locations we'd end up in, there's no point in my getting attached to the idea of any one of them, just to have it fall through. When things are more settled and firm, then I'll start getting excited. In the meantime, I just tell myself it'll never happen, to keep from getting my hopes up.

Awaiting an Acme Anvil

2009-10-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

You know how Wile E Coyote would run off the edge of a cliff and not even notice it at first? His legs would keep moving and he'd hang in mid-air, until finally he'd realize that there was nothing beneath him, and only then would he plummet to the ground.

Well, I feel as if that's where I am right now. I've run off the edge of the cliff, and I'm frantically pumping my legs, trying not to look down and discover that nothing is really holding me up.

It's been a very difficult past 6 months--well just over 6 months now--that I've been on medical leave from work. We are broke, I am tired, I don't feel well all the time now, and I'm constantly having to try to stay one step ahead of the world. The utilities and food and medications are always late (I'm so hungry all the time now) and it's gotten to the point where I kind of hope to get sick enough to be hospitalized because I would have a couple days of guaranteed water, power, gas, even tv and internet again, and I could order as much food as I want (and I'd take a ziploc bag in my purse and bring home lots of rolls and bread and stuff). The Catastrophic Leave from work is all messed up since July, the Disability Insurance hasn't paid out since June because of a paperwork snafu, and Social Security hasn't made a decision yet.

I would just appreciate some down time to relax and try to feel a little better and rest. But at least I'm getting knitting done! I finished my Right View Socks and I LOVE them!

Good News Bad News

2009-09-23T10:57:00.001-07:00

Good news: my sweetie bagged a moose on his hunting trip in Montana last week.

Good news: had the best visit with my folks that I've had in literally years.

Good news: the Wellbutrin added to my Cymbalta seems to be working well.

Bad news: well, I can't share what it was but it was really upsetting and not only put me in a bad headspace but has a serious negative effect on my health.

This is not turning out to be the greatest week.

Surviving Suicide

2009-09-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I am pleased to report that many of those I care about are doing things to recognize the day. My mom, for example, used her Facebook status to spread awareness of the International Association for Suicide Prevention, she'll be lighting a candle at 8pm, and she invited a friend to dinner tonight at a local Chevy's restaurant, where 25% of all sales today are being donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. In talking to her earlier, a subject came up that she and I have discussed before, and I thought I'd use this as an opportunity to muse on it more publicly.

When you do a google search for “suicide survivors”, or scroll through a suicide prevention website's pages and see the phrase, all that you see refers to the friends and family of those who have committed suicide. Those left behind to grieve and remember the person who was lost to suicide. The phrase does not refer to those who have survived their own suicide attempt. There is no phrase for people who have tried suicide and not completed, and no group for them to be a part of. [statistic] people who attempt suicide and fail will make another attempt. Between 25 and 50 percent of those who are lost to suicide are estimated to have made previous attempts. Of course the loved ones left to pick up the pieces after a suicide should be supported and helped, but leaving the burden of assistance for those who have survived their own attempt on the shoulders of the psychiatrists is not enough.

In the state of California, which is where I live and where most of my law enforcement experience has been, and therefore is the state I know the procedures of best, if you attempt suicide you are considered a danger to yourself, and you will be held on a Health and Safety violation. This is usually referred to as a 5150, since that's the portion of the H&S code that is applicable. This means being held in a psychiatric or mental health facility, usually a locked down portion of a regular hospital, for 72 hours minimum. It is up to the admitting doctors whether those 72 hours will include weekends and holidays, the 72 hour hold could be longer than 3 days if it's felt that the time is needed. On the final day of that hold, you will be interviewed by one of the psychiatrists and one of the nurses who has been present during your stay, to determine if you're ready to leave. In other words, are you no longer an immediate danger to yourself? If you are not ready to leave, you will be held for a longer time, up to 15 days, after which a judge can decide to transfer you to a longer-term facility if you are still not ready to go home, and if, after 90 days, you still need acute assistance, you will lose your personal rights via a court proceeding and a friend or family member (or the court if no one else is available) will be given power of attorney.

Focusing, though, on the most common, which is the 72hour hold and then release, what is it like for the person who has tried to kill themselves? The 3 days of acute care are not intended to treat mental illness in any long-term sense, they are meant to get the distance of time between the event and the patient. It is hoped that when the patient returns home, the urgency of the suicidal fixation will have eased and they will not attempt again right away, and that in the meantime they will get treatment and follow-up care. The 72hour hold is a 'vacation', in a sense, from the possibility of suicide. So the patient has been taken from wherever they have made their attempt, and put into the locked down unit of a hospital. They have suffered the indignities of that event, which can include stomach pumping, stitches, other medical treatments for what they inflicted on their body. It also can include losing access to their clothes for at least a portion of their stay, and to their belts or ties for their entire stay. Some mental health units only allow access to things like toothbrushes, hairbrushes, deodorant, etc., during specific, supervised 'grooming' hours. Some have no mirrors or windows, to avoid the possibility of broken glass that could be used to wound. Visiting hours are often minimal, access to phone calls restricted, so the patient's human interaction is with other psychiatric patients mostly.

From this environment, the patient is released back into the world with an appointment in a few days or a week or similar with a psychiatrist. Now they return home, and most of the support they need just stops. If they made their attempt at home, they may find medical detritus in their house that they have to clear away. Anything from equipment wrappings that the paramedics left behind to blood, to vomit, to fecal matter and urine if their attempt was very nearly successful. If they live alone, they get to handle this clean-up themselves. Some people give away, sell, or pack up their belongings before making their attempt, which means returning to a home that is either empty of their needs, or full of boxes to be unpacked. No matter what, the person has to face a physical location that they never expected to see again, that they had considered themselves done with.

Many people leave notes, whether it's one all-encompassing explanatory goodbye letter or many individual notes or simply instructions on what sort of memorial/burial they prefer. Now that they're home, they have to face the people who read those notes. There can be embarrassment, sadness, fear, apprehension, how do they move on from whatever they said to their loved ones when they thought they'd never be speaking to them again? This is especially true for those who have spouses or significant others, who may be very angry.

It's not just the home front, either. Anyone who has a job will have to return to it. If they're lucky, they had enough sick or vacation time to cover their absence, and the opportunity to just call out for the time they were on their hold, but some people will have had to notify their workplace of what the situation is. It is illegal for any employer to discriminate on the grounds of a 72hour hold, but that requires telling the boss that a suicide attempt was made, which many people don't feel comfortable sharing.

People who know what has happened usually have a hard time knowing what to say or do when they come out of the hospital. Some will pretend nothing happened, others will ask too much, and most will get an uncomfortable look on their face when they see the person, regardless of what the topic of conversation is, for quite awhile to come. People who don't know what has happened will have no way of knowing that extra patience or attention is needed for awhile. They won't understand if the patient feels somewhat fragile, and may become frustrated with them. Regardless of how many or which people the patient chooses to share the information with, they still find themselves pushed back into a world that basically hasn't changed, when for them their whole world may seem to be different. Once a person has emotionally said goodbye to people, places, or things, even if just in their own mind and heart, they don't expect to be facing those things again. To return to the usual schedule of 9 to 5, or grocery shopping, or driving the kids to soccer practice, or whatever, can be a very difficult thing. Some will feel as if everyone who looks at them knows. Some will have visible reminders of the event that they may be trying to hide (scars from cuts, burns from hanging attempts, etc), which they can feel as if everyone sees. Others may feel like running around and screaming out the news, just to make the world outside match the confusion of the world inside themselves.

Keep in mind, after all, that these are not people who expected to transfer to a different college, packed up their dorm room and said goodbye to classmates only to return to the same school after winter break. Not people who have accepted a new job and loaded up a UHaul only to be forced to stay in the area after all. These are people who expected to die, hoped to die. They weren't planning different surroundings, they were planning no surroundings.

Even after the daily routine starts to feel a little more normal, there is still support needed. Once they're back in the life they had before they attempted suicide, they will often find that they are right back in the same place that made them feel that suicide was their only option. Hopefully they have a therapist who works well with them, but if they have just started therapy or started seeing a new therapist since being released, they probably won't have made much of a connection with that person yet. If they have started a new medication or begun taking medication for the first time since being released, it can take up to 6 weeks for that medication to take full effect and begin to help them, and even then it's often the case that the first medication tried is not the most effective (to say nothing of the fact that many anti-depressants can increase suicidal thoughts in the first few weeks). A suicide attempt doesn't necessarily cause a sudden awakening or personal realization or emotional improvement, and if the attempt has alienated friends or family, it can actually make existing problems worse. If someone comes home from their attempt only to find that little notice or care was taken, they may feel that their fears and sadnesses, and therefore their attempt, were justified.

Once long-term mental health care has been established and the person is no longer in a place where suicide feels necessary, they may still find that their attempt haunts them. While some people will be able to put it in the past and leave it there, others will need the support of others for years. Suicide still has a stigma attached to it, that those who attempt it are weak, cowardly, damaged, etc., which makes it difficult to admit to. And when someone has moved on from that place of crisis, how do they get the care they need? If they refer to a past attempt, especially an attempt several years in the past, they may find people being dismissive, in the sense that it was a long time ago, they're doing much better now. Other people may react the opposite way, with fear that discussing suicide with someone who has attempted it in the past means the person is back in a place of crisis and needs acute care. Very few people will be able to find someone that understands through experience that they can feel comfortable discussing it with. Those who want to be proud of themselves for making it may find family wants to forget the event, when they want to commemorate it as a kind of new 'birth' day.

It's easy to support and commiserate with those who have lost a loved one to suicide, even though still many people want to avoid the subject and therefore the friends and family left behind. There are groups and talks, awards and video conferences, even a day to honor them (November 21^st – Suicide Survivors Day). But it's more difficult to create that sort of network for those who have survived their own suicide. No one wants to romanticize the notion of suicide, forming groups that young people especially might start to try self-harm in order to be a part of. It's not as if there's a strong desire to become part of a club for those who have tried to kill themselves, that's not a membership most people want. Many will not feel able to help others for years after their own attempt, if ever, and others may want to reach out but still want to maintain their privacy. Some may worry that they can only take without giving anything back, and others may be concerned that any group made up exclusively of those who have such a sad event in their past will serve only to bring each other down.

So what's the answer? Definitely the stigma surrounding mental illness and suicide needs to be addressed. Education and awareness are so important. Too many people don't understand the truth about suicide until their lives are touched by it. Obviously better understanding and knowledge will help to save lives as people close to suicide get the help and support they need, but they will also help those who have already attempted and lived through it. Some sort of bridging assistance between the hospital/psychiatric ward and returning to daily life should be available to those who wish to take advantage of it. Even hotlines that are not for crises, since most people after an attempt know how far they are from hitting bottom, but have plenty of “low” that could use a helping hand long before they get to that point where they can put in an emergency after-hours call to their therapist or should contact a helpline. Maybe a community is needed, where people know that everyone else has also been there and certainly won't be judging them for a past action, but will celebrate with them their steps forward. Everyone who has survived their own suicide will have that be true of them forever, and they are each another life that needs to be protected from suicide until the natural end of their days. They are the survivors that cannot be forgotten.

You Can't Go Home Again

2009-09-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

I don't have internet at home right now and this was the first time I've been strong enough to take advantage of the free wifi at Barnes & Noble (and fucking THANK BOB for B&N/AT&T for offering free wifi, btw), so I've been doing a lot of reading at home. I didn't want to post something this long on the LSG Literary Bitches board, so I'm posting it here and linking to it from there.

There isn't much point in reviewing a classic novel, since so many people have done it long before I was even born, but I just finished You Can't Go Home Again, by Thomas Wolfe, so here are my thoughts. First I should explain that I bought the book in 1998 as my gym book, because I spent a lot of time on the stationary bicycle at 24Hour Fitness and you really have to have something to read that'll last when you're sitting there. The book is 704 pages, so it was sure to last me through many trips to the gym, except that I was completely unable to get into it. I would get as far as about the third page, where the protagonist leans out his New York window and takes in the view of his neighbors, and get fed up. It was just so over-described. Every sentence was heavy with adjectives and semi-colons, one good example being a sentence that takes up literally 12 lines of text and a third of the page. I tried again to read the book sometime in 2001, when I was recuperating and not allowed to work and therefore had a lot of time on my hands. Again, I got to the same point and walked away from it. The only reason I've kept the book all this time is that I firmly believe that some books can't be read unless you've reached a certain place within yourself, and that if you disliked a piece of literature (and let's be clear, I'm not talking about Stephen King novels or what Sophie Kinsella writes, not books but literature) at one age, you may find it speaks to you at another. It doesn't always work that way, of course. I've reread Catcher in the Rye some 6 times between ages 10 and 25 and I've hated it every single goddamned time. But most books I'm willing to give them another chance to win me over.

So I pulled You Can't Go Home Again off my shelf again the other day and settled in with it. Immediately I found myself pleased, because I swept right past my previous sticking point and had read the first chapter before I realized it. I liked Esther Jack, especially, his married lover, and the childlike glee she carried herself with. It may be that the difference this time was that I checked the last pages of the book for a quick biography of the author and found both it and two pages of explanation of the text. I prefer to have those things at the beginning of classics, and while I often skip the overview of the novel itself so as not to have the story spoiled by the critique, I find that understanding the author, when the author is of a different time than I am, goes a long way toward enjoying the book. In this case, I learned that the book is fictionalized autobiography, and the last of the six novels Wolfe produced. I also discovered that, since he died of tuberculosis at the age of 38, the book was edited and published posthumously from an 8foot high packing crate filled with manuscripts and notes.

The book was good, and well-written, though Wolfe's love affair with adjectives did not end with the early chapters. It would have been a much better book with the removal of three full chapters near the middle (almost all of Book Four The Quest for the Fair Medusa; Chapters 28 – The Fox, through 30 – The Anodyne). The chapter preceding those three was good and fit in the book, the chapter following was fair but made important points, but those three were a fawning adoration of Wolfe's first editor, written staccato and pointlessly. They stopped the story, pulled me out of the book emotionally and made me wonder what had happened to the narrative that I had invested in. Nothing happened in those chapters, and they didn't fit into the larger picture of what the book seemed to be trying to say. All I can guess is that the editor who faced the herculean task of shaping Wolfe's words was afraid people would think he was being petty if he edited out the sections that so adoringly described his predecessor. Much of what was said in those chapters was repeated verbatim in the book's final chapter anyway.

Wolfe managed, somehow, to make his protagonist George Webber (his fictional self) into a legitimate and sympathetic guide for the reader. I finished the book without either particularly liking or disliking Webber, even though I had spent over 700 pages and about 7 years of his life with him, but I did feel that I understood him, and that he in turn understood even more. Scenes which Wolfe could not possibly have known the truth of were told with an honesty that made them indubitable, yet he left some trails unfollowed, though I was curious about where they led. A fire, two deaths, no idea how and when the Jacks learned of them. Mr Jacks' life of business and finance closely examined, but the Jacks family left behind just one week before the Stock Market Crash of 1929. Heilig, von Kohler, no knowing what became of either, and no clear sense of which side Else followed in the issue of “those people”. Randy Shepperton, dead by the credo but no telling when or how, as he lived at the home of his older sister during the Depression and no more was said. But it was Webber that we were following, so when he left things, people, or places behind, so must the reader, without the neat resolutions that are found in some books but rarely in life.

Reading the view and chronicle of a summer spent in Germany in 1935 by someone who was to die not 3 years later and was never to learn the end of what he was witnessing was fascinating. Many have written of the days before the war from the vantage point of the late 40s and beyond, and what they've said was true but it was not the only truth. Wolfe wrote of it as one removed from the situation, an American who had an American home to return to, but also as one who loved Germany, had been in Germany before, and who was loved by many German people for his published words. He had the benefit of being allowed not just to say what he felt and thought about the land he visited, but to see it with both the outside view of the non-German and the inner view of the man living and loving in the country.

Four “unrecorded years” of Brooklyn are given only one real chapter, which is a loss, and some of the early chapters probably written a good 5 years before the later ones are quite apologetic still about the impact of Wolfe's first novel. But for all that the book is really set in only four places: New York, Libya Hill, England, and Germany, it is a serious journey. And despite being 71 years old, it still has quite a lot of accurate things to say about what it is to be an American, or to be America, and it says those things with a resounding sense of hope.

Reasons to Live Part 2

2009-08-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Love
Family
Friends
Books I haven't yet read
I have to knit the stash yarn that people RAK'd to me!
The chance to meet some of my online friends
Travel I haven't done yet
Curiosity--what's coming next?
Chocolate
Revenge ;) all those that brought me down in the past
The cats
Touch
There are people who have needs that I can fill
I respect myself too much to die
Rainy days sitting by a fire
Mexican hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cinnamon stick
Pan dulce
My mom's enchiladas
Pink/freckled lemonade, especially when shared with friends This one courtesy of Zoe, and she's so right! I love freckled lemonade and would give a lot to have all my ladies here so we could all enjoy some together (although it would probably come out my nose at some point, those ladies make me laugh so hard!).
Packages in the mail
Trips to the beach
Movies in the theater
Nom nom nom nom nom nom:

Reasons to Live Part 1

2009-08-16T20:59:00.001-07:00

With all the suicide awareness and prevention work I've been doing, I started thinking about the training we got at the police department for talking to suicidal callers. Suicidal people in crisis on a police line are in a different place than friends, family, or acquaintances who are suicidal. It was not our place to solve their crisis, only to keep them alive long enough for the officers and paramedics to arrive onscene and take over. The officers would decide if a 72hour hold was needed, and the caller would then be turned over to someone fully trained and qualified to handle the situation for the longer term. We were a short-term solution, a stopgap measure, to keep people alive in the immediate.

Because of that, it was never our place to convince our callers of anything. We weren't to try to talk them out of their depression, give platitudes, etc. We were there to listen, to be there, and to keep them talking, because as long as they were talking they were alive. We were never to lie, but other than deceit to use any means necessary to keep them on the phone. And a part of that was that it wasn't good to try to use the "standard" phrases. The caller is a stranger, and to tell them that their family would miss them... that might not be true and the reminder that the family wouldn't miss them may be enough to push them over the edge. It would be wrong to presume on religious feeling (which I wouldn't personally use anyway), or similar tactics.

However, when it's a friend, a family member, an acquaintance, or yourself who is in or nearing crisis, looking for strength to continue living, more than just 10 minutes of conversation is needed. So I thought I'd start a list of reasons to live. Some will be small, even silly. Some will be more "important". Not all will be my own reasons, and if anybody out there is reading, I'd love to read your reasons in the comment section. The next post will be the list, and I'll be editing and adding more as I think of them, so the list will continue to grow.

Missing Post

2009-08-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Sweetheart had me remove the post about our hunting trip that was previously in this spot.

Suicide Prevention Walk Update

2009-07-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

An update to last night's post...

I talked to my mom about the walk, and she suggested that one option in case I just can't do the entire thing when the time comes, is to split the walk up. Do as much as I can on the day of the official walk, with the rest of the official walkers, and then do another mile the next week and another the following, or whatever. That way I can feel successful that I have completed the walk the way that I told my supporters I would, and I don't have to fear being hospitalized as a result (or in the middle) of the event.

So I am now officially signed up for the Santa Monica walk on October 24th. I have set my fund-raising goal at $150 for now, because I don't know what (if any) donations I'll get. I will be asking for donations but there is no pressure, the "rah, rah" cheerleading support is just as helpful as the monetary kind. Anybody who does want to donate, from $1 on up to any amount (even over the $150 goal) can do so via my fund-raising page here. Shebear, if you're reading here, I love you for your support!

Thinking "Aloud"

2009-07-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a supporter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and have been hoping for the past 8 months or so to be able to be strong enough in June 2010 to participate in the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk that they do every year. I knew that there wouldn't be time for me to get healthy and strong enough to participate this year, so I set 2010 as my goal. My sweetheart says that he'll walk with me and has been really supportive and encouraging overall.

One of the things I'd like to do is get a used treadmill or stationary bike for the house so that I can do 7 minutes of exercise and then sit or lay down and rest, then get back up and do some more. Because right now I'm just not strong enough to do more than that, so I can't exactly go exercise elsewhere. I can't go for a walk around the block because during the day it's too hot and at night it's both not really safe and there's always the possibility that I'd get halfway around the block and be unable to finish or get back. That's what makes in-home exercise a good idea. I've never been good at doing video aerobics, but I can do a treadmill or bike basically forever and be happy, I hardly even notice I'm exercising.

Another thing I've been looking into is the local YMCA, because they have a pool which of course has lap swimming hours, water walking lanes, and water aerobics classes. Yes, I am an elderly woman trapped in a young body. In water I almost never get tired. I can swim and swim for hours and even if I do start to get a little fatigued I can switch to underwater swimming instead of freestyle or sidestroke or breast stroke. I can tread water for ages. My sweetheart is worried that if I start doing that, I'll either overdo it or I'll half-drown myself. He knows how tired and in pain I am, you see.

At the moment both of those are just possibilities for the future, they're not things that are happening currently, which means that for now I'm still at the same energy and fitness level I've been for the past few months of being at home sick on medical leave. Which is basically non-existent.

So here's the thing: I got an email that the AFSP is doing Community Walks this fall, and there are several in Southern CA. The website says that the Community Walks are 3-5 mile scenic fund-raising walks that do not have a minimum fund-raising requirement. Should I register and start trying to raise some money and to get into shape enough to walk that far, or should I wait until it's closer to time and I know more about how I'm feeling but wouldn't be able to raise as much money, or should I just focus on the Overnight next June and not think about this shorter one?

I was able to walk around the museum with my folks for 2.5 hours, then walk to the tar pits, back to the parking garage, and then about a quarter mile from the car to the pier and another quarter mile from the pier to the car on Tuesday. But I sat down a lot and rested, and I had to spend yesterday and today in bed to recover.

Thoughts? I'll still make my own decision, but it'll help to see how I respond to other people's opinions.

How Do I...

2009-07-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm not moving, so no worries, that's not what this post is about. We either have 3 more years in this city, during which I doubt we'll be moving again (which will be a little shocking to my system, longest time in one place in something like 15 years!) because we can't unload this house, or we'll be moving sometime in the next year, if they offer him a golden handshake. But as far as we know right now, we are not going anywhere for awhile.

However, I was thinking about how often I do move, and how easy it is. It seems like I often hear people talk about how horrible moving is, and how much they hate packing, and while it's not my favourite thing either, it's at least easy. So I thought for shits and giggles I might as well explain my moving preparatory process.

I start with any room I use the least. In this house, it would be the second bedroom. I go through the boxes that are still packed up, which is basically holiday decorations and books that I don't have shelf space for. Make sure everything inside is still a keeper, make sure the boxes are secure (most important for the holiday things, since some of those boxes have been in continuous use since 1983). Then I push everything that's done into one corner, moving everything else away from that spot as far as possible. Pack up the rest of that room. Books in small boxes due to their weight. As soon as anything is packed, it gets pushed into that same corner.

Labelling is important for me. Nothing is labelled just "books" or just "office". If it's a box of books, it'll be labelled on the box itself by what kind of books they are: "books, mystery" and then a scrap of paper is taped to the box (because that stands out) with the room that box goes into in the new place. All boxes are labelled on the top and on two consecutive sides, so that no matter how the box is placed, it only has to be turned 45degrees to see a label. The more different things in the box, the more items listed on the label. So, for example, if I were packing up the back bedroom right now, I'd have a box labelled "desk, top drawer, office supplies", another labelled "desk, middle drawer, correspondence supplies", and a third labelled "desk, bottom drawer, paper". That way, if I get to the new place and need an address, I don't have to look through three boxes for my address book, just the one that says "correspondence supplies". If I need the stapler, it's in the top drawer box. And since all three boxes would have a paper label that says "back bedroom" on them, when moving in, they would have been dumped into that back bedroom at the new place, so I would know exactly where to go to find those boxes, instead of having a house full of boxes and the address book could be in any one anywhere.

Once I've basically packed up all of whatever rooms I use the least, I move to furniture. This is counterintuitive to a lot of people, but if I only have, say, 2 weeks to a month before moving day, I'm not going to be needing to use every piece of furniture. So I start with bookcases. Pack their contents, shove those boxes into that corner where all the packed items are, then once the bookcase is empty, it also gets shoved into that corner. Unnecessary lamps go into that corner. Less comfortable chairs, too. The reason for shoving everything that's done away into a corner, even though it makes for one very cluttered and crazy looking corner, is threefold. For one, it makes it easy to see what has been done, so you have a feeling of success and accomplishment. Secondly, it keeps you from either starting to redo an area of the house that's been done, or neglecting an area because you assume you finished it. If the area isn't completely empty, just wall and carpet, it's not done. I'll explain the last reason shortly. The exception to this rule is that the tv and dvd player can remain in the living room, as can the sofa, which is often too big to move anyway.

The best order to pack a house in, is this: 1. extra bedrooms/offices/craft rooms (whatever you have or whatever you call them), 2. dining room, 3. living room (followed by family room if you have both), 4. bedroom (everything other than clothes), 5. bathroom (other than daily toiletries), 6. kitchen.

When you get to item 4. bedroom, pack just like you have the rest of the house, but don't pack any clothes that are for the current season. Leave underwear, socks, bras, commonly worn shoes, work clothes, weekend clothes, all of that sort of thing goes into a suitcase. Into that suitcase, now that you've started it, add at least one roll of toilet paper, a clean bath towel, clean sheets, battery powered clock, scissors, a hand-operated can opener, and at least one can of a hearty soup. It can also be helpful to toss in a dvd that you like but haven't watched recently.

For the bathroom, either keep one small box set aside, or a large toiletries bag. Be sure to put any daily toiletries into that box or bag, including shampoo, conditioner, soap, makeup, deodorant, hairbrush, Tylenol, and bandaids. Towels should not be packed, but held out, all of them. Everything else gets packed and shoved into your completed corner. The toiletries box or bag can stay in the bathroom until moving day, when it'll move into your bedroom suitcase. By the time you get to the bathroom you really shouldn't be too far off from your moving date anyway.

Kitchens are hard to pack, and they suck to pack, but there's a couple reasons I leave them to last, and it's not because I hate packing them. It's that you use those things the most, and instead of wasting money by eating out every day of the last two weeks before moving just because you can't remember where you packed something you didn't think you'd need, I think it's better to just leave it unpacked until the end. Obviously start with the least used items, any baking items for example (because you should not be baking cookies this close to moving day!). Mixer, blender, food processor, huge saucepans, cookie sheets, all of that can get packed first, and can be packed in the largest boxes. This is the only good purpose for those giant boxes that everyone seems to end up with, and which most people waste by using for clothes. Make sure that the saucepans have their lids in the same box, but put things inside those saucepans. Silverware and utensils (spatulas, ladels, etc.) can go into any kitchen box where you can slide them in. They can be totally scattered, as can measuring cups/spoons, tupperware and similar. Glasses cannot. Glasses and mugs need to be individually wrapped and put in boxes devoted to just them. If you have empty space in the box and no more glasses to fill it with, this is where those unpacked bathroom towels come in handy. They can be squeezed into corners or laid across the tops or whatever else is necessary, both filling spaces and cushioning breakable items. Plates, bowls, and similar should all be treated the same as glasses and mugs. If you've run out of towels and need more cushioning, then start using items of clothing. Only wash dishes that have actual food stuffs on them. Everything else will need to be washed after being unpacked, especially if you've used newspaper as packing material, so there's no reason to waste the water or time washing twice. At this point you're likely so close to moving day that there will be no time for pests to even smell the dishes, let alone get to the boxes, enter them, and eat through the packing materials.

Pack food last, trying to keep everything organized the way it was in the pantry, but not so obsessively that you waste space. This is a good use for any boxes that require lids but don't have them (copy paper boxes, banker's boxes, etc., not Amazon boxes that have flaps that fold closed). If a box is open, just put packing tape over the opening.

On moving day, if you look around your house (and if I haven't forgotten to mention anything), you should now have a bunch of empty rooms, a suitcase in your bedroom, a toiletries bag in the bathroom, and a fridge/freezer with food inside with empty boxes (or a cooler depending on how far you're going). Now we come to the third reason for shoving everything into a corner, and the last reason for packing the kitchen last. Because the least used items were shoved into the corner first, the most used (and therefore last packed) items should be the only things you can get to. Therefore they go onto the truck first, meaning that furthest inside the truck will be your kitchen boxes, then bathroom boxes, family room boxes and furniture, on out till the extra bedroom stuff is next to the doors. Your food, toiletries, and suitcase will travel with you in your car or the cab of the truck if you're driving the truck yourself. (Note: if you are towing a car behind a U-Haul, the towed car is a great place for clothes that don't go in your suitcase. Just stack them on the backseat. No reason to waste a box by unhanging clothes, folding, packing, just to unpack, unfold, rehang, when you can drape them, still on their hangers, in a car)

Upon arriving at the new place, the first thing you'll be able to take off the truck is the least used items, which will have the notes saying which least used rooms they go into. Those are not likely to be rooms that you have to walk through to get to the other rooms. So it's easy to walk through the empty house and toss boxes into those rooms. When you get to bedrooms people sleep in nightly, the house is still empty enough to make it easy to carry box springs, beds, dressers, nightstands, etc. into them. Then the living room and family room, which will have sofa, maybe bookcases, recliners, and which won't need to be moved around too much to accomodate bringing in other furniture, because at that point there's practically no furniture left on the truck, just bathroom boxes and kitchen boxes. Finally you'll reach the the last items on the truck, the kitchen boxes, which get carried through to the kitchen and left there, and the truck gets returned to the rental place.

Order a pizza. Seriously, don't cook on that first night, it's not worth it. But because those kitchen boxes were the last packed, were placed in the kitchen (due to the paper labels), and were well labelled with their contents, you can easily find glasses to drink tap water if you need to, plates if the pizza place didn't provide napkins, whatever you may need. And you will be able to easily find a saucepan to make soup in for lunch tomorrow while everyone is unpacking. You did remember that we put a can of hearty soup and a can opener into your suitcase, right? Also, since you have clean sheets in your suitcase, you can sleep in your own bed that first night without unpacking anything, and in the morning that towel that you put in your suitcase means you can have a shower without touching a single box.

Because you need to unpack the way you packed. Don't just start tearing into boxes as you think of something you need. Start with the kitchen, sit for a minute or two to plan it, and put things away when you unpack them. Put them where you will want them to be as long as you live there, because you will remember that spot forever, even if it wasn't the best spot. I may do a How To post another time on how I was raised to set up a kitchen, but I'm probably too lazy. Once you finish a room, move on to the next, and do that one until it's done. Don't get distracted if you find that in the new place you want the pretty lamp from the living room to be in the guest bedroom. Carry it into the guest bedroom and put it down on the floor. If you take the time to put it in the perfect spot right away, you'll start working on the guest bedroom and not finish the living room, which is more important, and you'll end up with half unpacked, half sorted rooms all over the house. As you empty a box, break it down and either store it (if you are like me and need your boxes regularly for moving, lol) or stack it out of the way to be recycled. Don't leave un-broken down boxes sitting out, you'll feel as if you've gotten nothing done, get discouraged, and then you really won't get anything done.

It took a lot of words to explain it, and I do feel as if I neglected to mention something, but it's a system that works really well for me. As long as I have at least 3 days notice before moving day, I can use that system and get completely packed and moved without losing anything, killing anybody, or having a breakdown, and can be properly unpacked within 5 days of arrival. That's not including taking time to clean the old place when it's empty, but really 8 days from notice of move to completion of move with the entire house unpacked is really pretty good. At least I think so! ;)

140 Not Enough!

2009-06-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

I was trying to say something that isn't terribly important on Twitter today, but it was nearly impossible to explain it in 140 characters at a time. I don't think any of those I was talking to read my blog, but that's ok because I want to explain it not for their benefit but so that it isn't in my head anymore, haha!

There was some talk about how it would be beneficial to the state of CA to have welfare recipients work for the State for 20 hours per month, basically to "earn" their benefits. I happen to disagree with the idea that welfare recipients haven't already earned their benefits, knowing what the qualification process is, but that's neither here nor there.

The thing I was trying to say is that the suggestion would reduce productivity on the part of existing State employees. The reason I say this is that I've had a lot of experience having either volunteers or temp employees or interns or "helpers" in offices I've worked in. It takes awhile to get things ready for them so they can do the work. Example: unskilled worker who has not gone through security screenings and is not physically capable of manual labor. What work should they do? Data entry? But not if the data includes people's names, phone numbers, addresses, or other personal information, so they can't help out with anything medical, or with any code enforcement or law enforcement agency, or Department of Corrections, or any Personnel, or any Accounting, for any Division. Ok, what about straight number entry, like dollar amounts or measurements? That'll work, except that they have to be trained on how the system works, they have to have it explained to them which item on the forms go into which field on the computer. Therefore the forms, computer, trainer, supervisor all have to be paid for, and you have to hope that someone who has no buy into the system will do a good job, or you have to pay someone to review it afterward. Ok, try stuffing envelopes. That means that the person who is in charge of preparing the items to be stuffed has to have everything ready when the worker arrives. All the letters have to be written, typed, printed, collated, signed. All the envelopes have to be ready, as well as moistener, return address stamps, etc. Then you have to explain to them what they're going to do, and either apply postage afterward or teach them how to use the mail machine. What if the person in charge of the letters was sick and doesn't have them ready? You can't put anyone on a State computer who doesn't have basic employment clearance, because as soon as they're inside the system they have access, so you can't have people doing anything that would involve a computer, unless the State were to purchase new set-ups that only allow partial access. So that's an expenditure of money. Plus the cost of the supervisor, trainer, and the time of those people who have to get all the work prepared so that the minimum needs to be done.

We had an intern who had been cleared and did have access and was supposed to do some data entry and then form letters. In order to get them ready for him to do just 4 hours worth of work, I had to prepare all the documents, enter them on a log sheet, number them, copy them, sort them. After he did his part, I then had another several hours of work that he wasn't cleared to do with those files, and since he'd done the entry and the letters, I couldn't do it at my convenience, I had to do it immediately. He also had a different process than I would use, so I often had to sit and sort through every page in order to undo mistakes or to get things ready for the next step. This was such a waste of my time and I could have done the whole thing faster without his "help" but we were lucky enough to have an intern, we had to use him or lose him and then we wouldn't have him for the things he could really be a help with, such as translation.

Even for those who would be able to do manual labor, it's an expenditure of time and money. Currently most of that sort of work is contracted out to the lowest bidders, so it's costing us less than it would to have State employees do the work. To bring it in-house and have welfare recipients do it, we'd have to hire trainers, supervisors, and managers for those trainers and supervisors. We'd also have to have offices that processed the workers to determine whether they were capable of manual labor or not, how many hours they had worked, how many they had left to work, whether they were due any exceptions, for example for disability or diminished capacity, what work they would do, for what agency, in what location, whether they were eligible for transportation assistance, etc. Then, since those workers would each only be doing 20 hours of work per month and could not be considered a permanent workforce, as they might be receiving benefits temporarily or irregularly, the work they would be doing would have to have other people to do it when the workforce was smaller. Since benefit recipients would be spread across the state, it wouldn't be possible to say "office in xyz location has work this month, so that's the work that will be done", it would have to be work in offices in every county. And if a particular county had enough work one month for 20 workers, but only had 10 benefit recipients, then State workers would have to be paid to do that work, because there would be no more contractors on standby to do it.

It was also mentioned that prisoners could do some of the work, and the same applies for all of them. We already have prisoners do some work, such as litter clean-up. But those prisoners have to be processed to determine if it's safe to have them on one of those programs, and then they have to be transported, supervised, etc. It has not saved the State money to do that, and to extend the program wouldn't help, because it would mean hiring more State workers to do that processing, etc.

The main problem with the suggestions that people tend to make in "cost cutting" or "savings" conversations are that they oversimplify without considering the actual process. They think 'ok, we're paying employees or contractors to do abc, stop paying them and make someone do it for nothing, that'll save money'. But you can't just call a welfare mom and say "go find some unskilled work that you can do for some nearby State office for free and figure it out for yourself". I'm the first to complain of the amount of waste we have in State employment, and there is savings to be had there and in some other arenas. But there's a good reason there's very little demand in the world for unskilled labor: it's not helpful. And it won't solve our budget woes one iota.

Love in a Trash Bag

2009-05-29T23:20:00.001-07:00

I've joked before about my "Relationship Lecture Series", which is, in actuality, me getting on my soapbox about the things I've learned in my own relationships and in viewing those of the people around me. No one can claim that any relationship truth is anything but their own truth, but in several cases, my experiences have been useful stories for others to hear, so sometimes I tell them. And when I do, it is always at far too great a length, so I jokingly refer to those stories as the lecture series.

Some things can be whittled down to simple, nearly catch-phrase statements: the only constant in all your problem relationships is you (in other words, instead of blaming the entirety of breakups and problems on your partners or outside forces, be willing to face the fact that you have contributed to the problems. Relationships aren't destroyed by only one person. Even in my marriage, where my husband was an abusive alcoholic, I contributed by: a) selecting him as my partner, b) allowing myself to accept bad treatment, c) remaining in the relationship after it stopped being safe. Regardless of the reasons for my contributions, from fear to paralyzing emotional abuse, I did contribute up until the time I chose to make changes in myself and then, having done so, left.) Others take a bit longer.

One that is fairly easy to explain but can be very difficult to accept, is recognizing love. To make it easy on myself I'm going to speak in terms of "male actions/words" and "female actions/words" and while they are generally considered to be masculine and feminine behaviors, there are plenty of relationships that are the other way around, where the female half exhibits the masculine traits and the male half the feminine ones, plus there are plenty of gay and lesbian relationships in which gender has nothing to do with the behaviors. Most of the time, however, it falls out in one way, and so I will simplify.

I was raised that if you want to know how a person expects to be loved, look at the way that they love. If a woman remembers the birthdays of all of her friends, and makes a big deal over them, sending a card and making a phone call and grinning and hugging, then you can assume that she is hoping for the same on her own birthday. If a man, when deeply touched by a gesture his son has made, is silent and squeezes his son's shoulder, you can assume that he would hope for the same response when he has done something for his father. And it often works that way in relationships as well.

Take me, for example. I love gestures, of all sizes, both expected and surprise gestures. Any time I go into the grocery store or pass the Hallmark store, I go through the Love cards, looking for new ones that I can buy and have on hand for random presentation to my sweetheart, to make him smile. I have been known to buy a (small and tasteful) floral arrangement or plant and give it to my sweetheart, telling him that nobody ever gives men flowers but I want him to know how special he is. When I was healthier, I made him lunch every day, to be eaten together at work, and for 12 months straight I did not serve him the same meal twice and I included a homemade granola-type lunch bar that had a label attached with a different interesting quote and message from me. I get him a Christmas ornament every year and when it comes time to decorate the tree all of his ornaments sit to one side so that only he can place his own ornaments on the branches. When I'm working I wait for him in the lobby at the end of the day so that we can walk to the car together, even if we haven't carpooled that day; and when I'm not working I greet him at the door when he comes home, so that he knows he's happily welcomed home and not taken for granted. I tell him I love him at every opportunity, including sending text messages when he's away from me, and emails every once in awhile, even though I know he'll read those emails while sitting just a few feet away from me. I post hand-lettered signs on the backs of doors or the inside of cupboards or on the bathroom mirror, telling him how important and special he is, so that he will come across them at random moments of his day. And always, always, I reach for him, hold him, hug him, and kiss him, whenever he is close.

These are all things that my sweetheart loves about me. They make him feel good. They make him feel cherished and adored and they make him want to come home more quickly because he knows that home is where he is always loved and where someone is always glad to see him. But they are not what he ever expected to get in life, whereas I was raised surrounded by so much love that I just assumed that whenever you love someone, you do whatever you can to show them and tell them as often as possible. I was a very cuddly child, always crawling into laps and wanting to be held. I have very strong memories of being held by my mom around the age of 3, while she wore a necklace that was a small silver bird with a bit of turquoise. I would place the bird into the "nest" that was the hollow of her throat, then put my head on her shoulder and just be held or rocked or sung to or read to or anything else. Almost every night she would read to me before bed, and if I couldn't sleep or had had a bad dream, there were certain songs that I could rely on being sung to me, including one that had been written entirely for me by my mother, music and lyrics. We made gifts for special occasions, to express how important the person was to us, we even tied up small nosegays and left them on neighbors' doorsteps on May Day every year. We got Hallmark cards not just for birthdays but for every event throughout the year, from St Patrick's Day to Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day and all in between. We would find post-its on our desks, telling us something our mom appreciated about us, and even though it meant mailing them before we even left, we would receive mail every single day that we were away at summer camp so we'd know we were missed. We even received letters written on behalf of our pets, and once I got a first birthday card for my Cabbage Patch Kid doll.

I simply wasn't raised to believe that there could be more important things in this world than being kind to those you love and making sure they felt it, all the time. What would take priority? Work? School? Housecleaning? It's not as if you can't do those things while also showing someone how special they are to you. How long does it take to give a hug or to say "I love you"? But these are not daily lessons that everyone got from their moms. It is not my place to talk about my sweetheart's childhood on my blog, so it will have to suffice to say that his parents divorced before he was 3 years old, and his mother has never been a person prone to giving love or attention to anyone or anything. So how would my sweetheart have learned to show love?

Like many men, it's not through the "romance" and words that so many women expect to hear. It's through attentions that many women don't recognize as love. We don't have a garage or any covering to park the cars under, so when my sweetheart notices that my car is filthy and takes it to the self-wash to clean it up for me, that is showing his love. When he takes out the bag of trash without being asked, or goes to the tree and picks me a bag of oranges to squeeze for juice, or brings in the mail from outside, all of those are signs of how much he loves me. He has seen a need, and he has filled it, in order to make my life easier. So that I don't have to take the time or the effort or the energy to do those things myself, he has taken care of them and by doing so, taken care of me.

Sometimes in long-term relationships, women start to see some of these things as their partner's "job" in the household. He is the one who mows the lawn, or who takes the cars in for a service, or who sets up the electronic equipment. He's always been the one to do it, he always offered to do it, he's best at it, whatever. So it becomes expected, in the women's minds. They don't see it as having anything to do with them. Just as, in the normal course of events, when I change the litterboxes, in my mind it doesn't have anything to do with my sweetheart. The litterboxes must be changed regularly, I'm the one who changes the litterboxes, it is time to change them, therefore I change them, how could that be associated with him? But with a change of perspective: if I don't change the litterbox, that means that it won't be changed and therefore the house will start to get stuffy and stinky and the cats will become unhappy and possibly even show their displeasure by doing their business outside of the box. This will mean that when my sweetie comes home at the end of a long workday, he will open the door into a house that stinks and possibly has urine or feces stains on the carpet. He will either have to ignore this due to fatigue, or change the box himself. So by my doing this simple chore, not "because I'm the one who does it" but because I see that it needs to be done, I am not only making my own life simpler (and fresher-smelling), and that of the cats, but also my sweetheart's.

Just because something seems to have become habit doesn't mean that it lessens the gesture behind it. So your partner mows the lawn every Sunday morning, and has for the last 10 years. You have two options on how to look at that action: a) he doesn't want you to nag him about it and wants to get it done before the 1pm kickoff, b) he knows that having a neat and trimmed lawn makes you feel better about the yard and that by him doing it at a regular time you can feel confident that you won't have to do it yourself. I'm not saying that he thinks it through that way every Sunday morning. Just that there is no reason to assume that long-ingrained habits have any less value as expressions of love than new activities. After all, if he took your car for an oil change the first time just as a sweet gesture to take something off your hands, then isn't that gesture still sweet 10 years later?

My point is that maybe your partner hasn't said "I love you" "you're beautiful" "I couldn't live without you" "my life is so much better with you as a part of it" in the last couple weeks, except probably that first in a perfunctory manner. But that could be because you're focusing so closely on his mouth and the words that come out of it, that you're not hearing him say it with his actions. Does he listen to your stories and try to remember the people involved in them later? Does he tell you to stay seated when you realize you forgot the salt and pepper in the kitchen, and get up and bring them to you during dinner? Does he run out for an errand and stop to pick up your favourite treat at the store on the way home? Does he check the air pressure in your tires, or start painting the house, or put your shoes in the closet where you can find them in the morning, or tune the tv to your channel when your show starts?

If for some reason you had married someone who didn't speak English, not one single word of English, wouldn't you expect them to talk in their own language? They would say "J'et aime" or "Te quiero" or "Ana Behibek", etc. And you would be pleased to hear it. So make an effort to hear it when your partner says "I love you" in their own way, even if it's not your way. The more you accept it and are happy with it, the more likely it is that they will start to emulate some of your ways. My sweetheart, after all, now gives me cards and gifts and picks me flowers. He sends me text messages throughout the day and holds me close when he gets home. He tells me how grateful he is that he has me in his life, and how lucky we are to have found each other. Not a day goes by without me hearing the actual words "I love you", but even if it did, I would know that it was true, because he'd still be out there picking me oranges, weeding the garden, washing my car, taking out the trash, and all the rest. I'm so grateful for how easy it is to see how much he loves me, by the time and effort he puts into our life.

Is It Today?

2009-05-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

It's just after midnight and I'm apparently staring down yet another night of being completely exhausted, fatigued, sleepy, and tired and yet being unable to sleep. So the quality level of this post may be very low, and there's even a possibility that the post will be "unpublished" and switched back to draft form at a later time, if I re-read it and feel that it's complete drivel or embarrassing. But for now, there's so few things that one can do quietly in the dark at night to keep from awakening anyone else in the house, I might as well let my fingers go on the keys.

It's hard for me to know if I'm truly being the person I want to be. With being so ill for so long, much of my life is devoted to assessing how I feel, what I'm capable of at any given moment, what preparations need to be begun, etc., which makes me feel as if I'm much more self-absorbed than I'd like to be. There's a line in the movie You've Got Mail that has stuck in my head since the ex and I saw it in the theater back in 1998: "I live a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave?" And I, too, live a small life.

Sometimes I wonder what life we'd be living if I weren't so sick all the time. There are so many things that I would like to do and simply can't. I can't finish my SCUBA certification, or join the PeaceCorps, or wander around China with just a knapsack and a train schedule. I can't do the volunteering that I think is worthwhile and necessary, not even the volunteering I've done in the past (Planned Parenthood, suicide crisis, rape crisis, recording for the blind and dyslexic, forest replanting after wildfires, domestic violence shelters, peace vigils, environmental work, etc). I can't even go bowling with my beloved because the bowling balls are too heavy for me right now, it's too tiring.

I don't mind a small life, because I think that small lives can be highly valuable. My sweetheart and I share a dream of a small house with a large garden, a well-supplied kitchen, and lots of animals. I'd knit and cook and can and preserve, dig out weeds and muck out chicken coops, mop floors and vacuum mini-blinds. And I'd be happy. But I don't know if we'll ever get that dream, because as it is now, I can't do those things most days. I'm too tired to cook or stand over the canner. Too exhausted and affected by the heat to garden or tend to outdoor animals. Too fatigued to clean the house to my own specifications. Just the effort of typing these words on the keyboard is making my arms and shoulders ache with fatigue, and they're well-supported.

We dream of having friends over for Sunday afternoon barbecues, weeknight dinners, day trips, or even short vacations. But we can rarely cultivate friendships, between my constant trips to the hospital and our fervent desire to leave the geographic area, added to the lack of funds that comes from all my medical bills. Plus, we're child-free by choice, which reduces the people who seek us out often, as many peers with kids feel we have nothing in common with them, or they simply don't have the available kid-free time to do the things we're interested in. With our large age difference, those who are my sweetheart's age often feel uncomfortable trying to befriend me, young enough to be their daughter, and those who are my age often don't share our worldview.

So what does that all leave me with? A life that is less than small. I rest for a full day so that I can go check my mailbox the following day. I go up to 48 hours sometimes without ever speaking aloud to another human being. About twice a day, if I remember, I stumble into the kitchen to grab a yogurt or a tortilla. We send each other text messages repeatedly throughout the day. I make tentative mental plans for what I would like to do if ever the chance comes. The projects I'd like to knit when I'm feeling strong enough. The clothes I'd like to sew if ever I can afford the material. The books I'd like to read if only the library could make them available.

And at the end of the day, when my beloved comes home to me, he falls onto the bed and almost straight to sleep. The "kids", Gobie and Cary, rouse him briefly with their fervent desire to sniff him from shoes to hair and to stand on his chest and (in the case of Gobie) chew on his shirt buttons. And then he puts his arms around me, his head against my own so that I can feel his warm breath on my neck, his socked feet wiggling around mine in a silent and never-ending game of footsie. And he tells me he loves me, and how much he loves me, and how grateful he is that I am in his life. And that is the only real portion of my day. Everything other than our texting and our time together is just marking time. I live in the moments of warmth and gentle care that surround us when we're together. I suppose that when you consider how many people don't have that, it isn't really such a small life, but I did say that it was valuable, after all. I just wish that I could be and do more. So many things we want out of this life, and there are fewer years ahead than there are behind now.

I will never knit all the socks I'd like to knit, and I'll never be able to raise money and give time for every cause and organization that matters to me and I'll never go to all the places and see all the things that I long to. I try so hard, so very hard, to make up for those things in the way that I treat those I come into contact with. I want so much to be a good and caring person, not just to my friends but to everybody. But how do I know if I'm being successful? How do I know, as I said above, if I'm being the person I want to be? There's so little time left, and so many people who need love and hope, what if I'm allowing myself to be less than I ought to be, less than I could be, and letting the self-absorption of being ill take me over? There must be a way to do better, to be more, and I can only hope that I find it quickly.

To be honest, however, at this point I'd give a lot to be able to find about a week of good nights' sleep and rest. And now I must stop typing, as I find tears rolling down my cheeks from the fatigue of resting my hands on keyboard and keeping my head upright. Maybe someday soon I'll find a way of being the person I want to be, I ought to be. In the meantime, I will spend my time suffused with gratitude for the amazing man beside me, and I will rest my head upon his chest. No matter what, he always holds me up when I am weak. My only love.

Nerves

2009-05-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Momma seems kinda nervous. But I'll get to that later. First I have to explain about Cary and Grandma and Daddy.

I'm thinking Cary isn't a spy. I mean, she could be! It's not like I was being dumb! Look at this supreme self-control and fitness:

But even though she's not a spy, she's still very different from me, and I don't really understand her. I also don't get why I'm so interested. She's just a silly little girl, after all!

Grandma came to visit this week for a couple days, with her husband, and something about her alarms me. I don't know what, though. Momma always tells me that I loved Grandma when I was a little tiny babykitty and that I knew Grandma before I even met Daddy, since it was Grandma who took momma out to get me from the foster people. There's lossa pictures of me with Grandma, even one on the fridge when she drove me and momma to the vet for my appointment after momma had her surgery. But last time she came to visit I just didn't know what to do with myself and this time I mostly stayed under the bed. She makes momma laugh and Cary sure seemed to like her, but I'm used to momma and Daddy and I don't really know what to do when other people are here. I had a bunch more to say about Grandma, how she seems really nice and she helped momma a lot, but momma said we're not allowed to talk about Grandma here except as far as how we acted because of Grandma, because Grandma prefers not to be blogged about to strangers and that makes sense so we have to be fair to her. It's not because we don't love Grandma, it's because we love her so much!

Daddy wasn't really here while Grandma was, either, but he wasn't under the bed with me, so I don't know if it's for the same reason. Momma and Grandma talked about how it's "like a break" for him "as a caretaker" so he should be using the time to be out taking care of himself and resting and seeing friends and family and stuff. I didn't really get it, but they seemed ok with it, although I know momma missed him. But other than that, Daddy has been home more recently, and it's soooo nice! Momma keeps getting sicker, so Daddy comes and sits in bed with her and cuddles her and scritches her head like he scritches my head (and Cary's too). Today he squeezed her orange juice and then he brought her new roses for her bedside, and more water, and went outside to weed for a little while. Momma always seems much better when Daddy is here. She's able to sit up longer and she smiles more. I think he must be good for her, somehow. I just wish he wouldn't ever pet Cary and would only pet me!

Momma is having some serious money problems right now, and that has caused something new. Grandma brought momma a bunch of plants, um, lavender? from her garden, and some ribbons. Cary and I both really liked that, we love to play with ribbons! And then Grandma showed momma how to wrap up the lavender in the ribbons and make something called lavender wands? I've never heard of them, but here's what momma made:

Then momma thought "I wonder if people would buy these?" And that turned into a whole "harebrained scheme" as momma keeps calling it. Apparently she's going to try to open a little, what's it called, an etsy store? And sell those things and some other things she makes using herbs and other simple items. She's excited about it but really nervous, so don't be surprised if she shows up and starts blogging lists. Momma is a list person when she's worried about things.

Oh, wow, Cary just groomed and she looks so pretty! I'm gonna go over and smack her with my front paw and see what happens. Usually she chases me and lets me chase her. Earlier we were both playing with the same ribbon, and it was lots of fun. I don't understand why, though.

YouData

2009-04-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

This one I'm posting because: a) Gobie wouldn't really get it, and b) since his grandma is in town visiting to help take care of me for a couple days, he's a little freaked out at the moment. He's not so good with having people in the house that aren't me or his Daddy. He doesn't bite or anything, just hides, but it means he's under a little stress.

A few days ago I signed up for a new program online that pays me small dividends to view occasional banner ads. I will never get rich through this program, but it is a couple extra dollars a week to do something I'm already doing anyway: seeing ads on the internet. The program is called YouData, and if you'd like to sign up or check it out in the interests of signing up, please use this link, so I can get a dollar as your referrer. Or, alternatively, if you go to the site using any other means, please enter my MeFile ID: onesweettart in the "Referral Code" section so that I can get credit and get my dollar. In some lives $1 isn't much, but in my life it's still pretty huge! ;)

Now, details. YouData is not a pyramid scheme where you try to sign up as many people as you can and they sign up as many as they can, etc. It's not an online retailer like Etsy or an amateur sales program like Avon. What it is, is the middle-man that allows you to see ads that have been tailored to you specifically and get paid to see them. We all know how most internet ads work. You go to a site, and the ad either has nothing whatsoever to do with your life, or it's based on some keyword you may have typed. Want an example of the latter? Go fill out a myspace profile and then check out your myspace ads. If you say you like "bodysurfing" you'll probably end up with ads for Red Lobster's Lobster-Fest, because one ocean love must equate to another, right? ~rolls eyes~ And even if it were a good match of an ad you were interested in, there's still two more problems. Number one, you can rarely feel confident in clicking a banner ad, because they often turn out to be cascading windows all over your screen, asking you to fill out 16 surveys so you can get a FREE (asterisk!) high-end electronic device (with most of the necessary parts not included), and sometimes it could even be pr0n or phishing. Problem number two is very simple: who gets paid for your viewing time? The site owner.

YouData changes all of that. After providing a very small amount of required personal data (zip code, gender, birthdate, and an email address so they can make deposits to your PayPal account), you have your YouData account and MeFile ID. At that point, you can choose to answer some simple surveys, none more than 12 questions, about your lifestyle and interests. If you don't want to give out any of that information, you don't have to! If you only want to answer a couple of questions, that's fine, too! And if you want to answer them all, that's great. The survey questions are there to help YouData match advertisers to you properly. They'll never get your name, address, social security number, or any similar information. And the advertisers don't even get as much as YouData does.

Once your account is set up, you can start viewing ads. You'll be given an opportunity to look at a few small banner ads, approximately 1/2 inch x 2 inches, and then to click the ad to go to the website it's promoting. If you've answered any survey questions, that will help make sure that if you're a vegetarian you don't get ads for steak joints, and if you're child-free you won't get ads for baby products. Now the really good part: every time you view one of those ads and click through to the website? You get paid. YOU. Directly. Every week the total you've made will be deposited into your PayPal account. Or you can choose to have it funneled directly into your favourite charity. Or you can use it to purchase downloads online. But if you just want the cash, it's all yours, baby.

I've already found several new websites through YouData that are pretty cool and which I've bookmarked for future reference or perusal. Tonight I got an ad for Piper Lime, and while I'm totally broke right now, I really like that for their shoes they have an extra feature I've not seen elsewhere. Every time a customer reviews a shoe they bought, they get to tag whether the shoe size fits their regular size, and the same for the shoe width. So as the next person to view that shoe on their site, you get a nice tally. "Size: 16 of 21 suggest buying your normal size. Width: 19 of 20 say the width runs normal" with a popup rollover that breaks it down specifically by how many people said exactly what. If you've ever looked at shoes on Amazon (or many other sites) you'll know that sizing of shoes bought online is the number one issue, and also the number one disagreement amongst reviewers. So it's nice to have it all already set up for you at one glance.

Piper Lime is just an example, of course, but I never would have found them without YouData, and more importantly, if I had seen a banner ad for them on some website, I wouldn't have clicked through to find that there are interesting site components that I like. There are so many online shoe retailers that I just don't click on website ads that show shoes, even if it's a really cute shoe. I'm starting to drone on way too much here, and I apologize, it's ze pain a-talkin' again. ☺

The reason I bring it up is partly so that people can sign up if they're interested, but mostly because I have a new sidebar item due to YouData. This is completely separate from the regular ad accounts, but I thought I'd give it a shot. If you sign up for YouData, then when you come here to my blog, you'll see the YouData 5-stack on the bottom of the right-hand sidebar. You can click your ad links here on my blog instead of going to the YouData site or downloading the 5-stack to your desktop. Why would I encourage this? If you view your ads here on my site instead of somewhere else, you get paid the same way... and I get 2 cents. You can even tip me if you want to! Hahaha, it's funny but it's true, you can give me a little tip of a few cents if you feel like it. And since it's fully voluntary, if you don't want to see ads at all, you won't! Plus I don't have to change the content of my blog in order to hit certain keywords, you don't have to worry about cookies or some backstage bot calculating your online behavior. It's all entirely based on what you do or do not choose to share with YouData, in your personal (and totally private) MeFile.

So, to sum up! If you're interested in checking out YouData, or in signing up, go to the join page or use onesweettart as your referral code in signing up. Once you've done so, come on back here and read your ads in my sidebar so we can both get a little something out of the deal! I've referred a couple people already and they can definitely attest to the fact that you get some good ad sites coming back to you. Head on over, tell them onesweettart sent ya! And if you don't feel like it, then you never have to worry about it again, because with my use of YouData, I don't have to shove ads, keywords, targeting, or any of the rest, in your face with my blogging. And this is a wonderful thing. Blog about whatever I want, you can see whatever you want.

Right View Update

2009-04-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, I recently explained about my Great Eight Sock Plan, which combines my love of knitting with a desire to improve myself. The first step on the Noble Eightfold Path is Right View, seeing things as they truly are, and so the last time I posted on this subject, I had just cast on for my Right View Socks, using the Hedera pattern.

I feel that I've devoted a fairly reasonable amount of time to the studying and meditating aspects of the Plan, but unfortunately have not been able to knit very much, due to illness. When I'm really fatigued, I can't knit because I need to keep shutting my tired eyes just to rest them. And when I'm in a lot of pain I can't knit, because my whole body is tensed against the pain, so my hands are rigid. These are, however, excellent times to do some meditation or even simply thinking on different aspects of Right View. I'm using a lovely blank book that I received from Jody26 as a prize for a found poetry contest to jot down notes, thoughts, or quotes during my studying. Just as a short note, the found poetry contest? We were to take phrases that had been posted in our Traveling Scarves group thread, and make them into poetry. There were some restrictions: the lines or phrases had to represent at least 3 different people and could only come from any two consecutive pages in the thread. When all the entries had been sent in, Jody posted them without names so that we could all vote. I had turned in a haiku just for fun:

Holy Underwear
Quest continues tomorrow
Where do I find God?

And then this was the winning entry:

We would meet at the Hope Diamond exhibit
a day or two to go to a beach
a little chilly, but…

My favourite part was just being there.
The feel of the city.
Being able to walk.
The blue sky and the green trees.
Even the fireworks at night.

I’m homesick.

We were thinking of going this fall,
I will miss that.
It will be hard not to.

He thinks it’s pointless,
I keep coming back again and again, but…
he was my real luck.
He encouraged my obsessions.
He was seriously addictive stuff.
That was almost to die for.

And we fell hard and…
I’ll have a vodka martini or three.
I don’t think he had a real good time.

But enough of my self-congratulations, back to the subject at hand!

I was worried at first that a step might actually be easier than expected, and that I'd complete it prior to completion of the socks. I've assumed that a step might be difficult enough that it would require the knitting of more than one pair, and planned for that. But I hadn't decided what I would do if a step was clear enough for me that I felt I'd completed it and yet the socks remained unfinished. I had figured I'd decide what to do if and when that happened. I can say for sure that it won't be an issue for Right View, but I think that if it does occur that way for another step in the Path, I will simply continue to work deeper on it and expand my studies into other, less exactly related aspects of the step and of Buddhism in general.

Now, back to Right View. I've made two mistakes on the sock so far, the one I mentioned previously that involved frogging and starting again, and one I made just a few days ago, where I was switching from the cuff to the leg pattern. I was to do 10 rows of twisted rib cuff and then start the four row pattern repeat, and I was simply counting the cuff rows in my head because I don't have a row counter. I suddenly had a thought about a google search I wanted to do to try to get some more useful beginner's information on this particular part of the Path, so I put the sock down and did my search. When I picked it up, I could no longer remember if I'd just done the 10th row or was about to do the 10th row. I counted stitches on the needle I'd just finished, found 10 rows, and began the leg pattern. After two needles I discovered that what I had really done was 9 cuff rows plus one needle worth of the 10th row, before starting the pattern. Shit. So since it was about 2am I decided that instead of tinking right then, I'd just go to bed. But I do have my pattern cheater cards all set up so that I know exactly where I am in the pattern at all times without having to pull out the actual pattern, so I'm trying not to be discouraged at how little knitting progress I've made.

I'm not sure how much personal progress I've made, either. The studying is very calming, whether I do it while knitting or not, and the meditation has definitely decreased my stress. I've gone back to an old form of breathwork which, after I started using it again, I found out is partly attributable to Thich Nhat Hanh. What I do is sit quietly, either cross-legged or in lotus, depending on how much pain I'm in. Right now I've been sitting at the head of the bed propped up with pillows, but if I weren't so sick I would do it on the floor or preferably on a large pillow on the floor. Then I close my eyes and just let everything go through my mind as it will, whatever it will. Thoughts of physical discomfort, hunger, pain, cramp, itches, whatever, are just allowed instead of being shushed. Then after about 3 minutes or so of this (I don't time it so I don't know how long I truly do that for), I start diaphragmatic breathing. I was taught to breathe this way during biofeedback sessions for my pain when I was a late teen, and I try very hard to remember to do it when my pain intensifies, because the automatic reaction is to hold my breath. Once I feel that I'm breathing appropriately, I mentally add these words to the rhythm of my breaths:
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment;
I know this is a wonderful moment.
Being in the present moment is very difficult for me. I have read that chronic pain patients usually find it difficult, because the present moment, the "now" is where/when we are suffering. We don't want to remain in the now and in the pain, we want to escape to non-suffering, non-pain, so we think back on good times or look ahead to plans we've made. Even if we're recalling something unpleasant or worrying about future events, that takes us out of the physical pain of the moment and in some cases, allows a sense of "this pain isn't so bad by comparison". So being in the present moment is a long-term challenge for me, and I try to use this gatha¹ regularly as a result.

Seems as if I've really diverged from the point of this post, doesn't it? The point is, I haven't actually. I do all of the above as my meditation, and then afterward I give myself some time to just let my thoughts go where they may. Anywhere, so long as it's related to the Path and the studying I'm trying to do. And I'm finding that when it comes to Right View, I'm simply at a dead stop. I understand the basic premise of what I'm supposed to be doing. I need to teach myself to see the world and all creatures and things in it as they truly are, without prejudices, preconceptions, or conditioned judgments. But where that may seem straightforward (if still challenging) to some, I don't find it straightforward at all. What is the reality of things? How do I know if I'm seeing truth instead of assumptions?

For example, let's say you're driving down the street and you see that your bank, Grand Bank, has a big sign saying that they're relocating. You mention it to your friend sitting beside you and they say "oh, yeah, they're building a new one downtown". A few days later you're driving downtown and you see a large building under construction. You glance at it and see a sign that reads "Grand", and think with satisfaction "oh, so that's where my bank will be." However, there was another portion of the sign that you couldn't see, so that in its entirety the sign said "Grande Taco y Burrito". You used assumptions and haste and preconceived ideas (preconceived does not necessarily = negative, remember) to come to a faulty view of what that building is. But you don't know that until months later when you drive downtown to get some cash from the ATM and discover a restaurant instead.

How do I know whether I view reality and truth in the world? I believe that human beings are basically good (other than sociopaths) and that performing cruel, evil, or negative actions is a choice, even if that choice is buried very deep. I think that we have an innate understanding of our connections as people and that we desire automatically for general peace and goodwill. I think that people turn away from that true self due to suffering, impatience, the teaching of family and/or peers, etc., but it is still there. I don't think that even a lifetime of chosen cruelty means that the person has no ability to be kind or to feel empathy (again, except for sociopaths, for whom I believe that is the basic definition of what makes them a sociopath). But maybe I'm overly optimistic. Maybe I'm a pollyana, assuming good because I want to see good. Maybe those who believe the opposite are correct, and human beings are only one step removed from animals, able to regress at any time when their comfort or pleasure is threatened.

And, since I'm attempting The Middle Way in my studying, let me apply it here. Maybe neither is true. Maybe people are neither inherently good nor inherently bad, they are simply shells whose positivity and negativity are balanced entirely based on their actions from one moment to the next. With these three anchors, there are unnumbered realms of possibilities between and around them just for the basic ethical makeup of a human being, and that is only one aspect of reality. I cannot be expected to simply pick the one I prefer and say that I'm seeing Truth, that is the opposite of the point and would be like pulling a book randomly off a library shelf and saying "this is a Dictionary". It may be full of words, but decisiveness does not a Dictionary make!

I've tried simplifying the step. Rephrasing it into "accept each moment for what it truly is" instead of accepting the whole world. So that if a friend says they're tired and they're going to bed, I accept that the truth is likely that the person is tired, with no ulterior motives or purpose. If someone is quiet, it is because they do not wish to speak or have nothing to say. But I find that even simplification doesn't work for me. I tried to move beyond the realm of human interaction with the simplifying, as I'm to see all of the world in this way, and my attempt failed me. I used a tree, saying "if a tree's leaves are turning brown and dropping off, and the branches are sagging and yellowed, then the tree is dying". However, it doesn't work that easily. Nature works on possibilities, after all. Trees sometimes shed older branches to make room for new growth. At times a perfectly healthy branch can become so heavy that it drops nearly to the ground, and if this coincides with the autumn season, that same tree can be shedding brown dead leaves at every moment. The tree could be on private grounds, where a gardener is coaxing it through a new growth program, a new fertilizer, or a new water regimen. There could have been a nearby fire that did not burn the tree but which, through heat and smoke, damaged the outer levels of bark, branches, and leaves.

I know it seems as if I'm making this step more than it is. I hear the way I'm speaking and it sounds as if I've made it ridiculous. Most of this is exaggerated in order to show clearly the problem I'm having, though. I simply don't understand how to know whether what I see is reality, truth, actuality... or just my own spin. Is the (figurative!) little man I see at the controls really The Wizard, or is there still another curtain someplace that I don't see, hiding the true works, reasons, reality?

At a very basic level, I think I have a handle on one aspect of Right View. This is the Four Noble Truths. All of life is suffering (The Nature of Suffering - Dukkha). Suffering comes from attachment (Suffering's Origin - Samudaya). Suffering can be overcome (Suffering's Cessation - Nirodha). The Path or Way to the end of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path (The Way - Mārga - Leading to the Cessation of Suffering). It's just that Right View has been stressed as being so important in everything I've read. None of the other steps of the Path can be taken without Right View, you cannot have Right Intention without it, and it is also the culmination of the entire Path once completed. I cannot help but think that since the Four Noble Truths are the step before the Eightfold Path, simple acknowledgement and understanding of them is not truly Right View.

Really this post has been my attempt to clear away the rubbish so that I could more accurately see what I was thinking (it is for this reason--and others--that I have the journal, also). And in writing it, I think I've come to two conclusions. First, in order to understand Right View, I will need to wipe my slate clean, in a sense. Pull up all the weeds of my existing assumptions, expectations, conditioned responses. Secondly, I will need to focus for a bit on truly understanding the origin of suffering. Until I can not just say the words but understand, accept, and identify attachment, desire, grasping, and craving (Taṇhā), I cannot hope to stop it in my own life. I think that may be a large part of the world view I'm intended to cultivate, is my own place within the world, and how and in what ways, times, places, manners, I grasp, thereby causing my suffering and at times the suffering of others.

Obviously, I have a lot more work to do. I may sound like I haven't a clue where I'm going or what I'm doing, but really that's because I'm still at the very beginning, and there's a lot of personal housekeeping that has to be done in the beginning. Just like once you've cleaned and organized and arranged your home, it is quite easy to keep up with it, stay on top of things, but that first major overhaul takes attention, focus, and most of all time. I have a lot I have to throw away that's broken or not being used, in an emotional sense, before I can start straightening up what's left and bringing in new organizational tactics. Please stick with me, I can assure you (reassure you!) that most posts will not be this long, and that Gobie will still be blogging lighter things in between times. ☺ And please do leave a comment if you have anything to say, I'd be really interested in some feedback.

*Gathas are small poems designed to help us in meditation practice, whether we are sitting, walking, or slicing potatoes. A gatha accomplishes several aims: It occupies our thinking; it sets a direction for our practice at that moment; and, if used correctly, it helps us to be mindful of our breathing. ~Andrew Weiss

Hairses

2009-04-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Momma looks different. This morning she went out and she said that she was going to the post office and that if we were good while she was gone she would get us cat litter and cat food, but that if we were bad, she'd spend all the money on Reese's Pieces. Cary said momma wouldn't know if we'd been good or bad, but I said no, momma always knows. Anyway, we decided to be safe and not risk it, so we just kinda wandered around the house wondering why it smelled so funny, until Cary reminded me that I'd been projectile vomiting the other day. Momma had gotten through cleaning up the first time ok, she just looked a little pale and kept making funny noises as she cleaned the four feet of tile in the eating nook that were covered with vomit, but the second time, when I did it all over the carpeted living room, she got partway through cleaning it up and then she ran for the bathroom and started throwing up herself. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better or what. But while she was at the post office we found a little bit of my vomit that she had missed, behind the ottoman and almost under the sofa, so we ate it for her to be helpful. For some reason she wasn't very happy about that when she got home.

She did bring us food and litter though, so we were really happy. And momma seemed to be really excited about something too. She had a little tiny package from the post office, and when she opened it up she told Cary (who was standing on momma's chest, kneading her boobs) that she was going to dye her hair. Cary got pretty worried at that and came rushing to me, but I told her that there's two kinds of dyeing and only one of them means momma would be gone away forever. I know all about dyeing because momma talks about yarn a lot. I like to listen to everything because momma always says what a smart kitty I am and I want her to keep thinking I'm smart.

So momma went into the bathroom and she put on these weird white plasticy gloves and she pulled most of her hair back into a ponytail and two hair clips. Then she opened this bluish jar and took and old toothbrush and started kind of rubbing the blue stuff from the jar onto the hair she hadn't pulled back. After about 20 minutes Cary and I got bored and went back to lie down on the tile. It's been really hot here. Daddy said something about it being 100. One hundred whats, I don't know, but momma kept saying "no wonder it's so fucking hot in this house!". But it's nice and cool on the tile, so I like to lay down with my tummy on it.

When momma finally did come out, she looked really weird. The front of her hair on both sides was a weird colour and it was all twisted and curled up against her head with clips and stuff, and then she had all this green saran wrap stuff over her ears and clipped against her twisted up hair. She looked like an alien or something. Cary wanted to laugh and had to go sit in the window so momma wouldn't hear it. It was like an hour and a half of being on the computer later that momma got up and went back to the bathroom, but she had that thing that's shaped like a gun and is really loud and blows hot air onto her hair and I'm a little scared-I mean, I had to make sure Cary wasn't scared of it, so I didn't watch to see what she was doing. I heard the shower come on again, though, and then that hot air gun thing again for a long time.

And then when momma came out she wasn't the same colour anymore! Well, I guess momma is the same colour, but her hair isn't! And it's really really bright, too! When Daddy came home, momma surprised him with it and he said she looked like a little punker. Daddy and momma took these pictures, but I'm gonna use them here because I can't take pictures. My toenail slips off the button on the camera.

Quick Note

2009-04-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

Momma is looking for vintage or retro images of housewives, the advertisement type. Those of you who know momma know what she means, like her Ravatars. If you have an image or a link, if you could let her know, she'd really appreciate it!

Happy Customer

2009-04-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

Momma has been trying to buy from independent businesspersons as much as she can, because she says that with the economy in its current state, individuals need all the assistance they can get, and besides, indie sellers are what keep us running, really. I don't really understand, to be honest, if they're Indy, doesn't that mean they have a brown hat and a whip and a fear of snakes? I liked those movies. I'm a great lover of action movies. But there are never enough kitties in them!

Anyway, momma has bought a couple things from a place called Etsy and I guess the people who sell there are independent sellers. She hasn't bought much, because, well, we don't have very much money. Momma says that's nothing to be ashamed of, because we're rich in love and kindness and we have each other. I still wish we had one of those big kitty mansions, though, with the different levels and the little cubbyhole rooms and the bouncing pink feather balls on a spring and... anyway, maybe momma will find a winning lottery ticket and we can have one! The first thing momma bought was some pins (I think some people in some countries call them pin badges or something?) from a store called Barrel of Monkeys. I like that, 'cause can you imagine how funny a barrel of monkeys would be?! Momma got a whole bunch of pins from there, some for friends as gifts and some just because she thought they were cool. She has pins all over the bag she keeps her knitting in now. But I don't like it so much because every time I start to chew on them and try to pull them off, she gets mad at me and says my name very sternly. Why does she put them on the bag if she doesn't want them bitten?

The pins she put on her bag (there's a whole bunch, I warned you!) are: fingers making the peace sign, I ♥ pirates, laughing buddha, hug me, bookface, greatest squid in Japan, a bird, create, make art, an angel and devil holding hands, peace sign, WTF?, turn off your tv and read, bookworm, aries, taurus, OM, be the change you wish to see in the world, everything you can imagine is real, peace sign & ♥, don't judge a book by its movie, pick flowers not fights, hug, and you're nobody until you've been ignored by a cat. She also got a couple from other places, one that has the LYS design, an honorary TSG Purple group one, the TSG one she had made, and you can never have too many socks, got socks?, and sock diva. Momma likes to make socks.

Momma was really happy with the service she got from that place, and that was a few months ago. So when she found the Thai fishermen's pants at Khao San Road, she just had to get some. First she ordered two pairs, coming all the way from Thailand (I'm not a kitty that's very good at geography, but I know that's far. Daddy went there once and he was in the airport for a really long time talking to momma on the computer. Momma was sad because she missed him lots). The first two pairs came in a pretty cool package which really was mostly just cool because it came all the way from Thailand! Then momma was so happy with how comfy the pants were, that she got another two, and they came in an even cooler package!

Momma doesn't have any pictures of her wearing the pants yet, although she's gonna take some and post them later. She had to steal the pictures at the bottom of this post from the Etsy shop, but she is hosting them herself! What you do is you step into the pants, which are huge, like clown pants. And you hold them up because they're so big nothing will make them stay up on their own. And then you pull the front of one leg forward at the waistline and fold it flat across your tummy. Then, while holding that down with the side of your arm, you do the same thing with the other side, and fold it flat across the first fold. Then you hold that down with one hand and reach around to the back with the other, find the two ties that are sewed to the back, and bring them around, tie them in the front or slightly to the side. Then you just fold the extra fabric down over the ties! It's a lot easier than that makes it sound, I've seen momma do it tons of times and she's only had them for less than two weeks.

Momma got one in cream, which is kinda yellowish, but it's ok. She got one in dark grey, which she likes a lot, and then the two in the second package were black and striped deep teal. It's not really teal exactly, it's mostly a dark green, but it's really pretty, especially with the stripes, so momma isn't complaining! Since momma has to be in bed so much right now, she doesn't want to be in jeans, that's really not comfortable and it pulls on her tummy. She doesn't wanna wear her one pair of flannel pants all the time, that's kinda tacky, and she doesn't have any sweats, just one pair of yoga pants. But these fishermen's pants are so comfy that she can sit in bed, lie in bed, sit cross-legged, walk, stretch, meditate, do yoga, anything and they don't get in the way or make her uncomfortable and because she can decide where the knot goes, it never hurts her tummy! If she could afford it she'd be buying even more because it's so convenient for someone who is in so much pain and who is so casual but still wants to look dressed, not like she's in her pajamas all the time!

Since momma was a repeat customer (and so fast, too!), the seller said she was slipping a little something extra into the package, and what she gave her was a pair of dangly earrings, all the way from Thailand! I know I keep saying that, but momma thinks it's really super cool to get mail from overseas, even if it were something really small and cheap. Momma has been thinking about getting her ears repierced recently, and now she's thinking it even more. She let them grow closed before because Daddy would pounce on her on Friday nights and he'd grab her and the earrings would get caught in his fingers and he almost ripped through her earlobe one night, so she took out the earrings and let them close up, but she kinda didn't want to. Now that Daddy doesn't really mess with her neck like he used to, she could probably repierce them safely. She just has to find a place to do it, because she got it done at the mall last time and she doesn't have a close mall anymore. Or at least, not that she knows of, she's not really a mall person.

Anyway, momma is really happy with these pants, and can't wait until she's rich and can buy more! The next thing she wants to save her money up for is these vintage seed packets from the 1930s or something. They still have seeds inside, but momma thinks she could make some really pretty display piece with a bunch of them, kinda framed up sorta, and she could have it up on the wall like art. There's delphiniums and nasturtiums and a bunch of different ones. But it'll be awhile, momma still doesn't know if she's got money coming to her from work while she's off, and she doesn't know what social security is gonna say, so she's really stressed about it.

And she's been in a lot more pain recently, Cary and I hear her crying and crying at night, rolling around and moaning and trying not to make noise but not even hearing herself because she hurts so much, until Daddy tells her that she's moaning. And she's sad, too, she cries a lot these days, but there doesn't seem to be anything we can do. Daddy told me to cuddle her and Cary to knead her boobs, but it only seems to help for a little while and then she's sad again. ~sigh~

Well, look at the pants, since they make momma happy and comfy, and it's been a long time since momma's tummy wasn't made to hurt more from clothes!

The Great Eight Sock Plan

2009-04-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Momma is gonna post today because I don't really understand the whole thing and some of the words are too big for a little kitty like me. -Gobie

I have explained in a few previous posts on this blog that I am an agnostic, with my personal definition of agnosticism being, as stated elsewhere recently: I don’t have any way of knowing if there is a god or gods and I could not possibly care less. It has no effect on my life. I try to do the right thing because it is the right thing and not do the wrong thing because it is the wrong thing, not because I’m looking for reward or afraid of punishment after death. Since I find it very unlikely that there is any sort of supreme being, I need to live my life while I have it and show love, kindness and compassion now because I won’t have any other opportunity. Also, by the way, I feel that a person discriminates between the "right thing" and the "wrong thing" by determining how it affects other people. Will another person be hurt or damaged tangibly or intangibly by the words, the action, the event? Then it is a "wrong thing". There may be times when something is a wrong thing towards one person and a right thing towards another, but in those cases it is almost always the fact that it is a wrong thing that takes precedence. You just don't hurt people. It's that simple and that hard. Don't let the words pass your lips, don't let the type pass your fingers, don't let the action take place from your body. There is no justification for it.

I'm not saying here that I'm perfect at this. As a matter of fact, as this blog entry continues after this section, you'll see exactly where on the spectrum I consider myself to be. Just that this is what I strive for, and what I consider to be the true judge of a person's morals/ethics/self: how they treat others in every moment and every aspect of their life. Not whether they go to church or how loudly they trumpet their salvation or how many friends they can count up on their fingers or on their facebook page. Anyone can do those things while still being catty, cruel, underhanded, gossipy, dishonest, unkind. Oftentimes, the worst offenders boast the largest list of contacts who follow them around like flunkies and laugh at their jokes and boost their egos, because they are the people who are happy to play those contacts off of each other for amusement and a personal high. It is their need to be the center of their own web that causes them to create a network of people that they claim to consider friends, people that they may show every sign of solicitousness toward, as they build a small empire. They create a feeling of inclusion, of being popular and liked and wanted, that all people want to have. The fastest and easiest way of creating this atmosphere of pseudo-support and faux-friendship is to select other people or groups of people and degrade them, attack them, laugh at them, mock them, insult them. Quietly make comments to make their own list of contacts think that they, too, were harmed in some way by the blacklisted group of persons, so that the contacts will also mock and belittle them. This is also a tactic of abusive partners, because once the abuser has convinced someone to be unkind and hateful towards a known group, their ability to return to that group or face that group diminishes or disappears. At first the "friend" thinks they have found just the right fit for themselves, as this person obviously really "gets" them. By the time they realize that the activities and words of the person are false and cruel, they have nowhere else to go. So they are stuck as the crony, the worker bee, for this person who never truly cared about anything other than racking up higher numbers of people to fawn over them in the first place.

Being agnostic, I have spent a lot of time studying many different religions and faiths. I find them all fascinating, if some of them are a little bit (or a lot, in some cases) disturbing, and if the levels of hypocrisy in the individuals representing some of them are horrific. One that I find truly special and rewarding is Buddhism. Buddhism, at it's heart, teaches what I wish to accept. Now, I don't know about reincarnation, Samsara, I simply don't have an opinion on it. It's another idea, like a supreme being, that I have no way of knowing until after I'm gone, and I think that I should do the work on myself not to try to cease the cycle of rebirth, but because the positive outcome of the work on myself would be an improved life for all those I come into contact with (directly and indirectly) here in this life. But the remaining basic tenets of Buddhism are high and worthy goals. Altruism, ethical conduct, meditation, physical exercise, studying, etc. are all items that I try to incorporate into my life anyway.

So for several years I've dabbled in study on Buddhist topics. No deep teachings of ancient mysteries, just basically trying to obtain a surface understanding of Buddha's teachings and the ways that they are followed throughout the world. I became quite interested in The Middle Way, the Four Truths, and the Noble Eightfold Path. I think that putting the Noble Eightfold Path into practice in my life could help me to improve as a person better than most any other work I've done up to this point.

Unfortunately, it seems that on the subconscious level, I cannot justify taking the time to work on myself. It may be due to the fact that I find meditation enjoyable, relaxing, calming. It may be because I am fascinated by the books that I read, the audio talks I listen to, the translations I find, and therefore enjoy searching for more. I have long found that I give priority to things for others far above things for myself, and most especially far above things for myself that are simply for my own enjoyment. Instead of sitting down and doing 20 minutes of meditation that I long to do, I will do dishes or rearrange a cabinet. Instead of curling up with an interesting booklet explaining the Heart Sutra, I will make a shopping list or fix a torn hem. Because the former are things that I want to do, and it therefore seems that they should be the last thing that gets done. All the "chores" should be done before "fun" begins, right?

Not in this case, I believe. It is too important that I take the time to do what I can to improve as a human being, thus improving my effect on the world around me. Therefore I needed a plan to get myself actively working on the steps of the Noble Eightfold Path. Actually, I didn't just need a plan, I needed A Plan. Capital letters and all. So I thought. What do I enjoy doing that I do allow myself the time for? What do I take time to do that I could incorporate meditation into? What activity do I do that would allow me to focus on other things, such as audio files, books, etc.?

It's obvious, isn't it? Knitting. Knitting occupies my hands but not my mind, except in the case of exceedingly difficult patterns. It's something for which I have to be seated (basically) and focused and in the moment, but where my ears and eyes are available for other things. It's something that I not only enjoy immensely, but which is useful and utilitarian, so I therefore allow myself the time to do it. It's also creative, getting that part of the brain going, and yet technical, getting that part of the brain going at the same time, which should put me in a good mental space for opening myself up to change and new ideas.

However. I know me, and I know that just saying "I will knit and work on/study/meditate on Buddhist teachings at the same time!" won't work out. I'll pick up a project and automatically put in a Harry Potter dvd in the background, or I'll grab my bluetooth and talk on the phone while my needles click. And if the project is for another person I'll be concentrating on them instead of the lessons. If I'm annoyed at the recipient or the project or something I heard on the radio the last time I had the project in my hands, it will stay with me, blocking me from doing any real work emotionally. No, I needed a dedicated project. It all came to me fully formed, actually. My favourite things to knit are socks. So I would do 8 pairs of socks, one pair for each step of the Noble Eightfold Path.

This is The Great Eight Sock Plan. Before beginning to work on each step of the Noble Eightfold Path, I will select a pattern that speaks to me of that step in some way. It does not have to make sense to anyone else, it doesn't need to be justified, although I will try to explain it here if I can. I will cast on to that pattern and work on it only when simultaneously doing work on that step of the Path. I could be listening to mp3 talks or readings from freebuddhistaudio, or I could be reading on Google Books (or a real book if I can prop it up well enough), or I could be simply meditating, timing my breathing with my stitches. But work on that project will not be done in front of the television or while cursing myself for a flat tire, burned dinner, unpaid bill. When I finish the pair of socks, I will try to determine if I have reached the point I want to on that step. These things can't be timed perfectly, of course, and if I feel that I have a lot farther to go before moving on the Path, I will cast on another pair, either the same pattern or another that also speaks to me of the same step. When it's time to move on, I will start a new pair of socks with a pattern selected for the next step on the Path.

If I am successful at moving through the Noble Eightfold Path with my knitting needles in hand, then I will have, at the end of that part of my work, at least 8 pairs of socks that have meaning to me. They will be tangible reminders of the lessons I've learned and the work that I've done. If I find myself sliding backwards, I can always pull on the appropriate pair of socks to spur myself forward in doing the right thing and getting back to where I ought to be. My work will not, of course, be complete just because I have 8 pairs of socks, but it will be a start on the journey.

If anyone else is interested in traveling The Middle Way along with me, and would like to be a part of The Great Eight Sock Plan, please let me know! We could encourage each other, trade links for meditations and lessons, and sit in companionable chat silence while knitting and reading. ;) In the meantime, Gobie kitty will continue to be mostly in charge of the content here, but I will try to come back and post how the Plan is going and what work I have done from time to time. Tonight I can post this:

Right View
Yesterday I cast on for the first pair of Plan socks, which can be found on Ravelry here. I selected the Cookie A pattern Hedera, because to me the Hedera socks are both simple and interesting, and every pattern row is different from the one before, but in spite of the differences, it’s all one overall. It’s lace without a chart, it’s something I’ll enjoy that I know will end, and I think it’ll be a good jumping off point. Help me clear away my own clutter and get started with hopefully an open mind. Already this has not been easy, as I've increased the needle size by three sizes (!) in order to get gauge. This always seems suspect to me, but at least I can be grateful that I did swatch, which is probably a lesson right there, really, about seeing things with truth instead of how we want to see them, and moving past the desire (since I really wanted to cast on right away instead of swatching).

I had another short lesson on seeing things truly, but I haven't entirely worked it out yet. The pattern says that the leg circumference is 7.5 inches relaxed, therefore when the ribbing is stretched it will go around a wider circumference. My ankle, while not fat, is wider around than 7.5 inches, so I was nervously checking the cuff much earlier on than I normally do. After only 3 rounds, I stretched the cuff as far as possible on the needles and measured it, then measuring my ankle, and determined that there was simply no way that it would go around my ankle. With the ribbing stretched to the edge, it was only measuring at 7 inches while on the needles. So I pulled out the needles and prepared to frog, with frustration that I was only barely managing to control due to the intent of the project being peaceful. I held the last stitch tightly between my fingers to keep it from unravelling and carefully slipped the 3 rounds of ribbing, now without needles, over my foot, to prove that it wouldn't fit around my ankle. It fit. I had to go ahead and frog, since I'd removed the needles and the stitches were getting twisted and wonky, but if I had trusted in the work I would never have had to frog at all. There are a few vague thoughts percolating under the surface of my mind about this process and seeing things as they truly are, but those bubbles haven't risen high enough for me to access them and put them into typewritten words.

So that's as far as I am, one day into The Plan. And for all those who aren't familiar with the Noble Eightfold Path, here is a list of each step. The first part is how each step is usually referred to here in the West, the phrasing most commonly seen in books and Google results. The second is a short explanation of each step, and the third is a phrasing that I found online from a middle-school textbook, which I like quite a lot.

Right View -- viewing reality as it is, not just as it appears to be -- know the truth
Right Intention -- intention of renunciation, freedom and harmlessness -- resist evil
Right Speech -- speaking in a truthful and non hurtful way -- say nothing to hurt others
Right Action -- acting in a non harmful way -- respect life
Right Livelihood -- a non harmful livelihood -- work for the good of others
Right Effort -- making an effort to improve -- free your mind of evil
Right Mindfulness -- awareness to see things for what they are with clear consciousness, being aware of the present reality within oneself, without any craving or aversion -- control your thoughts
Right Concentration -- correct meditation or concentration -- practice meditation

Whoops! Almost forgot one last little thing. Just a couple of links of resources I've found online over the past few years.
The Heart Sutra on Google Books. It's a preview only, but the first two pages of the book itself are the entirety of the Heart Sutra. I'm also using Google Books to read all of Bodhi Bikkhu's The Noble Eightfold Path; Way to the End of Suffering, as it's available fully.
I mentioned free buddhist audio dot com, one that's pleasant to listen to is Readings from the Pali Canon.
Meditations at Belief.net
One of my favourite visual meditations
More to come with future posts. ☺

Visiting Family Members

2009-04-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

We have family visiting us now!

Yesterday, momma went out to the doctor at a weird time of day and then I guess she went to where she and Daddy work, and when she came back, she brought family with her.

I don't know how long Ghoti and Max are going to be staying, but it's already been pretty interesting since they've been here. Momma explained that she had put something heavy on top of their tanks (not over their breathing holes of course) and that we should therefore "not even bother trying it". Cary and I have been watching them a lot and every time we start to try to climb onto their bookcase, momma stops us. Momma has said "those are not your fish" so many times in the last day and a half, I don't get it! Of course they're our fish! Cary, especially, finds them fascinating. She sits at the end of the bed and watches them with big wide eyes, and when she curls up to go to sleep she can't bring herself to close her eyes.

The bad thing is that when momma went to the post office today, she closed us out of the bedroom, saying that she doesn't want to risk it yet. They're awfully small fish to need a whole bedroom all to themselves!

I hear momma talking to them during the day. Apparently, Ghoti thinks he's a big scary fish, he keeps flaring up at Max, even though momma got them some soft frondy plants for their tanks so they could hide from each other if they want to. But Max is really friendly, if he sees momma get near the tank he swims right up close to her and starts flapping his fins really really fast, much faster than any other time, weaving and bobbling in place like he's flirting. He doesn't flare up or anything, so momma doesn't think he's trying to intimidate her, just that he's being friendly and asking for food and attention. If she waves at him with one finger close to the bowl, he gets very excited and starts moving his fins so fast you can't even see them, just a blur, and moves up and down like he's nodding or imitating the motion of her finger.

Um, Max is the burgundy/purplish one in the left tank, Ghoti is the seafoamy one in the right tank. I don't really understand how they're related, momma didn't explain it to me, but I know that she's their momma, too, so that makes them family. Probably cousins or something, I dunno. She said she couldn't leave them at work for the whole 12 weeks she'll be on leave, it wouldn't be right. Daddy didn't say much, because he hurt his back again so he's in a lot of pain and trying not to be grumpy. And it turns out that Cary isn't the only one who doesn't like it when I bite her throat, momma get furious and Daddy punishes me. Maybe I should stop doing it.

Momma said she's trying to make a list of things she needs/wants to do while she's on leave, so that whenever she does get any energy, she can pick a task that seems the right length of time/amount of strength required and go do it without having to think too much. She even said that since she found her frame or screen or whatever it is, that she's going to try to make paper while she's home one day! And if Daddy buys her 3 1/2 pounds of Concord grapes, she's gonna make jam. Yummy!

Well, I had more to share, but it's getting late. Cary has already climbed into the laundry basket (momma laid the blanket that came with her over the "dry clean only" clothes that never move from that basket and said it's only Cary's space, I'm not allowed to mess with it) and snuggled down for some sleep, and momma seems to want to sleep, too, trying not to hurt Daddy when she moves, so I will close for now.

Clips

2009-04-02T09:03:00.001-07:00

4/1/09, 0700hrs
Daddy and momma left for work about 30 minutes ago, so I have begun my investigation into Cary's activities. Early this morning she continued her recent attempts to imitate my own behavior. Daddy and momma were both still asleep and I was hungry, so I stood on momma's butt (she was sleeping on her tummy with an arm over Daddy's chest) and began kneading her to get her attention. Cary quickly followed suit and stood on momma's shoulder blade, mewing quietly. Momma did get up and give us food and water, so my idea was a success, but it was interesting to see Cary move in so quickly. I must admit that her quiet meow is actually quite endearing.

Excerpt from Cariad's Diary:
Wednesday, April 1, 2009... This morning started off well! Gobaith and I worked together as a team to get momma out of bed and filling our bowls with fresh water and food. He really understands momma and Daddy, because he wasn't loud or insistent, he simply stood on her while she slept and began prodding her gently with his paws. Momma hates to be awakened early, I've seen that already, so this slow and quiet request for food was such a good plan. Gobaith is so smart!

4/1/09, 0900hrs
Cary has spent much of the morning in the windowsill again, although I think I saw her with that mini notebook again out of the corner of my eye. When I looked closely she had a supremely innocent look on her face, which makes me more suspicious. It was a cute look, though, since she has little pink lips and her whole mouth is white, she's able to look very angelic. Back to the subject at hand... she has begun following me on some of my patrols around the perimeter of the inside of the house. She may be searching for cracks in my security where she could smuggle something or someone in or out, and if that's the case I'd like to think that she won't find them. My Daddy said that when he's not home, I am the man of the house and it is my job to protect my momma (and Cary, too, but I don't think Daddy is wise to her actions like I am). I must keep ever-vigilant to make sure momma is safe and always able to scritch my head and snugglebug me. I think I will go make another round of the house, be sure I didn't miss anything. I hate to say it, but it was kind of nice to have someone else with me as I checked the windows and doors.

...Gobaith let me tag along while he wandered the house! He's so brave and strong, keeping everything safe while Daddy is away. I know that he would stand up to any intruder, I've seen him attack a spider that got in once. He watched it and then pounced on it, carried it to where he could see it better, then put it through what must have been some kind of interrogation: he would let it start to scurry away and then he'd nab it again and again with his paws, batting it around and pinning it to the ground, before he eventually picked it up in his mouth, carried it to the sliding door, and let it go. I've tried so many times to show him how I would react to a bad guy. When he bats at me with his front paw while standing on his back legs, to help me practice and prepare for any possible attack, I put my ears back flat and I lay low and I hiss and I growl and I show all my claws. But I must not be doing it right because he usually just scrunches up his face kinda funny. Like he's protecting his eyes or something. Last night I heard momma and Daddy talking, and Daddy said "I told you that bringing him a little girl would make him happier" and momma replied "you know, if I'm his momma and you're his Daddy, and I'm her momma and you're her Daddy, doesn't that make their relationship kinda sick?" and Daddy said "no, it's more like an arranged marriage type thing". Do you think they meant that Gobaith and I are already... wait, nevermind, I don't want to say it right out, I might jinx it!

4/1/09, 1330hrs
I woke from my midday nap a short time ago, to find that Cary had slept directly across from me, really quite close. It was nice and warm, really. I got up and headed for my food bowl, and she stretched and yawned and then came along. I was feeling so content after my nap that I stood back and let her eat out of my own bowl, when hers is just on the other side of the kitchen! Strange. After eating only a small portion of my food, she stepped back and sniffed my bottom again. I find myself almost hoping that she isn't a spy. I may need to suspend further investigations for a day or so. I've discovered a plastic grocery bag that momma didn't quite manage to close away in a drawer, and there are few things more satisfying than chewing on a plastic grocery bag. Momma only gets them for bagging our yucky litter, normally she uses reusable cloth bags, so it's rare that I'm able to access the good stuff like this. I will not forget my duties, however. That ~~sweet cuddly~~ rather, that ~~small snuggly~~ I mean that little girlkitty will have my eye on her!

It's Back!

2009-03-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

After a hiatus of a couple weeks, which felt like years, the internet is back on here at Gobie's house. Momma seems to think that she gets first crack at it, and I suppose that's only fair, since she did have to drive out to the place and give them money.

Cary is sitting in the windowsill again. I don't really understand what she does there, but she seems to think it's very important. The other day I found her nosing a little journal under the bed, which is her main hiding place, so I have strong suspicions that she's taking notes. Do you think she could be a spy? She always acts so lofty and uninterested in everything, but I find that a lot of the time when I go into another room, I turn around and there she is. She always pretends to be sniffing my butt, but I'm not taken in. There's something else going on. Although I have to admit that I am flattered a bit that she gives my butt so much attention. It's nice, you know, to have a girl around. I know Momma is a girl, but that's different. Cary has this way of smelling things with her mouth open that just gets me.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Momma has been trying to push herself to go to work more often, because of the whole "no work means no money means no cat litter" problem. As much as I love for her to be here at home with us all day, working on knitting Daddy's socks and playing with us, I do enjoy having cat litter, so I'm torn. She has been knitting up a storm on Daddy's socks, though. It turns out that she may not have enough yarn to finish the second sock, even though she did a centimeter less ribbing on both socks and one less pattern repeat, trying to stretch the yarn till the end. She's really upset about it, but she just keeps going because there's no way to know until it happens.

I think that on one of the days that Momma and Daddy are at work, I'll pretend to be asleep and see if I can find out what Cary is doing. I may have to do a lot of yawning and stretching and resettling, because when she's in the windowsills the curtains are down behind her so I can't see her at all. I'm just not sure what to do if I do find out what she's up to. What if she is a spy or something even worse? I'm Momma's "big brave boy" and I "take care of the girls when Daddy is gone", so I have to protect my Momma.

Maybe I can ask her some careful questions. She might not even see where I'm going with them. After all, she's young, not quite 7 months old, there couldn't have been much training or indoctrination. Recently she's begun copying some of the things I do: rolling on her back on the living room carpet and waving her paws in the air, watching Momma shower, climbing into the dryer when Momma takes stuff out of it, things like that. I think it's clear that she was told to try to blend in, try to ingratiate herself. Well, I'm on the lookout for those things, next time Momma and Daddy go to work I'll find out the truth!

If only she weren't so pretty, with her soft, soft fur and the black spot on her nose (Momma calls her "freckle face" sometimes) and her paw pads that are multi-coloured, some pink and some black. She's got this way of looking at me, holding one of her front paws up off the ground, that makes me want to go over and just swat at her and then sniff her all over! I must be strong. I will report back with my findings soon.

Docile Takeover

2009-03-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

There have been some changes around here, and I believe it's time for some introductions.

This is me:

My name is Gobie, and I do the typing.

This:

is Cary. She contributes to the content.

This is our momma:
(she's lying on her left side, that big bump is her right hip)

You see, our momma unfortunately isn't able to blog as often as she would like. And because for her to do so would require her to take some time away from something else more important, like scritching our ears, we have decided to help.

As I said above, my name is Gobie, which is short for Gobaith, which is Welsh for "hope" and if you think that's silly, well I don't care. My momma says I'm her big brave boy and she loves me and she's proud of me and I'm her lifesaver kitty. Last night there was a creature scurrying around outside the bedroom windows and I leaped to attention, checked on momma and Cary who were in bed (you have to reassure the girls, of course), and then began patrolling the windows to protect them. I'm 10 months old and I love the computer, especially the letter "R" key and the "F1" key. I think it's great how that F1 just opens a help tab right up when you press it, and how if you hold it down, it'll open up a whole bunch of them. I also really enjoy watching youtube.

I introduced Cary above also, she's new. Her name is short for Cariad, which is Welsh for "love" or "dear one", and Cary is spelled like that because our momma loves Cary Grant. He was an actor for a long time and momma thinks he looks a little like Daddy, except that Daddy is more handsome. Every time she says that, Daddy gets embarrassed. Cary is 6 months old and she's only been living with us for 2 weeks, so we're still trying to figure things out. I guess it's ok, I mean it means another water bowl, another food bowl, another litterbox, and someone to talk to and chase around when momma and Daddy aren't home. I just wish she wouldn't hiss at me so much. It's annoying. Cary doesn't really care about the computer. She usually avoids the keyboard entirely and just blocks momma from seeing the screen, as if trying to convince her that she shouldn't bother with it either. I'm going to be doing the typing here because Cary almost always insists on holding one front paw up off the ground. I think she thinks it makes her look more dainty. She doesn't care which paw it is, but if she were holding one up and typing with the other one, she'd fall on her face and nothing would ever get written.

Cary will be able to provide more information about the outside world, though, because she spends most of the day sitting in one of the windowsills, staring out. I'm far too busy for that sort of leisure activity, between my house patrols, playing with all my toys, scratching things, burrowing in the laundry basket in an attempt to get into the warm dryer, eating, drinking, using my box, jumping up on things, trying to get into momma's yarn, allowing momma to love me and cuddle me, and all the rest. Fortunately we do get some down time:
but we usually use it for planning meetings and such.

Well, it's after midnight now, which means it's about time for us to start racing around the house at top speed as loudly as possible, knocking things over if we're lucky. Momma should have just about fallen asleep when we begin, so we need to be ready for the signs that she's dropped off. Mostly we just wanted to introduce ourselves and say hello. Please leave a comment if you have anything you want to ask either or both of us about ourselves or our momma. Until next time!

Lovely Yarn Giveaway

2009-03-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday I heard about Phat Fiber for the first time, when someone tweeted that they had gotten a certain yarn in a Phat Fiber box and it had been all they had dreamed of. This morning I wake up and refresh Twitter and one of the first Tweets I see is a Re-Tweet spreading the word of a giveaway!

Go check it out here and see if there's anything that calls to you. Dani sure has a great sense of colour!

Simple Boycott

2009-02-16T22:34:00.000-08:00

This boycott is simple for me, as I don't subscribe to knitting magazines, and don't buy knitting magazines or books... because I don't have any money! lol

But it is serious, so I'm putting up this short post to ask that anyone who reads here go to Annie Modesitt's blog and read the post I've linked to.

I'm not a designer. While I've written a few patterns, they have been for my own use when I couldn't find anything that did exactly what I wanted, and I've never had any illusions of selling them. But I am a consumer. And I am a knitter. And so I would like to state publicly that I will not give my hard-earned money to any SoHo Publication until they have revised their policy towards designers. To me, the most important issue is reversion of rights. Whether they choose to pay fairly or not, the designer deserves to get the rights to his/her property back after a period of time. I'm a writer, and I've submitted short stories, and I always read those contracts carefully. I reserve the right to republish my short stories at a later date, and I wouldn't do it any other way.

Don't let the designers struggle in vain. Get their patterns through designer-friendly sources, such as Ravelry, Etsy, and the designers' own websites.